Ultimate Jokes!!!!!!!!!!

[SIZE=-1]The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.

The clerk replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!

[/SIZE]
 
Truly hilarious... Must read this... You wont stop laughing


One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
eating beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told
him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by
a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.
With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the
time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew

it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my
arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and
led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was
about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to
touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the
room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink

was worse than oked=20cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the
conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few
minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone
farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few
more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on
it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been
the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking
so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I
had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I nearly died!
 
For my Gujju Friends, No offence please, just jokes!!







A Gujju Spesal !


Q) Why did George Bush had the gujju beaten?
A) The gujju told George Bush "You are an IMPOTENT man"

Q) Why won't the gujju jeweler sell anything to the UP ka bhayiya?
A) The bhayiya kept giving gujju a bunch of hair each time the gujju
asked for KESH.

Q) What will a Gujju tell a tomato, coming last in a tomato race?
(in case of one)
A) Tomato KETCHUP.

Q) Why did the gujju go to Rome ?
A) He wanted to listen to POPE music.

Q) Why did the gujju go to London?
A) To see BIG BEHN.

Q) What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma
gayon" ?
A) Ramesh's son failed in statistics...

Q) Why was the gujju stacking up 1 cent coins on the day before exams ?
A) He wanted to get "cent-par-cent" .

Q) What did the Gujju have in the morning?
A) LIGHT SNAKES for breakfast.

Q) What did the Gujju say to the singing prostitute?
A) You are going from BED To VERSE.

Q) Did you know that Gujarati students are going to start a fraternity?
A) They named it Rho Beta Rho.

Q) Why did the gujjus take 50 paise when they went to watch "GANDHI"?
A) They read Atten( 8 annas)-bourough in the credits.

Q) Why did the gujju think Gandhi was acted by a woman in "GANDHI"?
A) They read Ben( behn) Kingsley did the acting.
 
[FONT=arial, verdana, times][SIZE=-1]Police Story:
Lady calls up police department: Officer, there is a man exposing himself in the next building.
Dispatcher: OK, we'll be right over, lady.
(Five minutes later at her apartment.)
Officer: Which way, lady?
Lady: This way officer, he's still shamelessly baring himself.
Officer: Where is he, lady? I don't see no naked man.
Lady: Oh, you have to look through this telescope. [/SIZE][/FONT]
 
[FONT=arial, verdana, times][SIZE=-1]10 Humorous Definations!
Women: Person who thinks more with their heart than with their head.
Experience: What you will get while looking for something else.
Zoo: A place advice for animals to study the habits of human beings.
Adam: The only man in the world who couldn't say," Pardon me, haven't I seen you before?"
Dentist: A person who extracts both your teeth and money.
Bald: When one has less hair to comb and more face to wash.
Death: Stop sinning suddenly.
Neighbour: A person who is out of something.
Smile: A small curve that solve big problems.
Kitchen: Final laboratory of housewife.
[/SIZE][/FONT]
 
Movie Names And Their Meanings


Sajan chale Sasural : Computer professional coming to US.
Himalaya Putra : Firmly asking for $70k
Elan-E-Jung : Asking for increment
Gupt : Agreement of Programmer with number of consultants.
Sapnay : Green card.
Sadma : Rejected H-1(B) Visa.
Deewana Mastana : Project Manager - Team Leader.
Beta : Home Phone bill exceeding $400pm.
1942 a Love story : Sticking to one company for more than a year.
Dil to Pagal Hai : Staying in Canada, dreaming of US.
Rakhwala : Project Manager.
Mr. Bechara : Computer professional in Canada.
Zanzeer : Company bond.
Himmatwala : Breaking company bond.
Tohfa : H-4 Visa for your Wife.
Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman : Once you are in US.
Chaudhvin ka Chand : Assembly programmer.
Sahib Bibi aur Ghulam : Client, your company and you.
Shehanshah : Bill Gates.
Admi Sadak Ka : Jumping from company to company.
Dayawan : Company paying full salary in bench
Anari : Year2000 programmer.
Phool Aur Kaanten : Microsoft - IBM.
Aaj Ka Gunda Raaj : Microsoft Monopoly in IT market.
Maharaja : Doctors who came to US in 70's
Hey-Ram : Non-Computer professionals on seeing computer professional's pay-check.
Hum Aapke Hain Koun : Illegal Immigrants in US
Aur Pyar Ho Gaya : After staying in US for a Year.
Pardes : India after 2 Years.
Daud : Coming to US.
Rangeela : After getting Green Card.
Bahaar Aane Tak : Time period between Green Card and Citizenship.
Desh Premee : Going back to India
Farz : Going to India every year.
Pyaasa : Longing for a Visa.
Agneepath : Going to Madras Consulate for getting a Visa.
Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar : After coming from consulate with a Visa.
Bud Naseeb : Not getting a Visa
Zakmee : After getting rejected twice for a Visa.
Swarg Se Sundar : on landing in US.
Ab Kya Hoga? : Applied for Green Card too late.
Jallad : INS People.
Kranti : Increase H-1 quota.
Main Khiladi Tu Anari : You and Immigration Officer.
 
A wizard joke
If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?
Out for the count!

A wizard joke
What kinds of wizards have their eyes closest together?
The smallest ones!

A wizard joke
Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath!

A wizard joke
What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus?
The police made him bring it back again!

A witch joke
Why do witches only ride their brooms after dark?
That's the time to go to sweep!

A wizard joke
What happened when the wizard met the witch?
It was love at first fright!

A witch joke
When is it unlucky to see a black cat?
When your a mouse!

A wizard joke
How do you keep a wizard in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow...!
 
A witch joke
Who went into a witche's den and came out alive?
The witch!

A witch joke
What is a witches favourite magazine?
The witch report!

A witch joke
What did the young witch say to her mother?
Can I have the keys to the broom tonight!

A witch joke
What's the best advice you can give to a witch on a broomstick?
Don't fly off the handle!

A witch joke
Who turns the lights off at halloween?
The light's witch!

A witch joke
Whats the difference between a broomstick and a pumpkin?
Ever tried broomstick pie?
!

A wizard joke
What do you call a wizard from outer space?
A flying sorcerer!
 
What is a smart Malayalee called?
Debo-nair.

What is a dynamic malayalee called ?
Pheno-Menon.

Why did the malayalee crossed the road ?
Simbly.

What did one Bengali voyeur ask another?
Keyhollo.

How was wire invented?
Two marwaris spotted the same coin.

Why did the Gujju think the film Gandhi was about a woman?
Because Be(h)n Kingsley was in it.

Why is India a banana republic?
Because Rajiv keeps chanting, "Hame ye banana hai, wo banana hi

What is a communist Sindhi called?
Lalwani.

What is a Sindhi who falls from the first floor called?
Thadani.

What is a Sindhi who falls from the 17th. floor called?
Kriplani.

What is a Sindhi who falls from the 30th. floor called?
Marjani.

What are the degrees of egoism in Tamil Nadu?
I, Iyer, Iyengar.

What is a jiving Sardar called?
Breakdan Singh.
 
Khalistan Jokes:


Khalistan National Drink: Sarbat Khalsa
Khalistan National Bird: Tandoori Chicken
International Airline: Kitthe Pacific
National Airline: Itthe Pacific
National Anthem: Sten gun man
National Taxi Service: Kar Seva
 
A foreign tourist goes to rajasthan village to see the 'true' rural
India. When hungry, he goes to an old lady sitting making Bajre ki
Roti. She gives him some 'SarsoN kaa saag' on a Bajre ki Roti. The
tourist eats teh 'sabji' and returns teh roti saying, 'Here is your
plate'
 
A well dressed man was having a dinner in "Kake Da Hotel".
After he finished his dinner, he started to wash his hands
with table and chair. The owner saw him and got real angry
and asked, "Have you had dinner in some nice hotel before?"

Man: "Ya!" "I had dinner once in Ashoka Hotel."
Owner: "There also, you washed your hands with table and chair?"
Man: "Yes, I did."
Owner: "Nobody told you anything!"
Man: "They kicked me and said
'agar ase hi karna hai to kisi Kake Da Hotel mae jake khana khaa'.
 
George Bush goes to a school to give a speech.

After his talk he offers question time.



One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

"Bob".

"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies

that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?

Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"
A differentlittle boy puts up his hand . George points him out and
asks
him what his name is. "Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!
And fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!
:laugh:
 
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg.
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for
his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.
"The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed
your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the
Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.
"Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not
me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the
same."

:bump:
 
Back
Top