Management Jokes

E

eternal.doms

New member
Twenty New Management Styles
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THEN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out
of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from
the practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication )

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low to remember.
 
Your Co-worker Could Be A Space Alien
Here's how you can tell. 10 signs to watch for:

1. Odd or mismatched clothes.
2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits.
3. Bizarre sense of humor.
4. Takes frequent sick days.
5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary.
6. Misuses everyday items. May use correction fluid to paint its nails.
7. Constant questioning about customs.
8. Secretive about personal lifestyle.
9. Frequently talks to himself.
10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware
 
Western Doctors
One day this bloke travels to the Far East on business. He goes to many countries with great success but 3 months later arrives home to find he's contracted a strange disease in the genital region. The doctor gives him the news that his penis has to be amputated.
"But this is terrible, I just cannot accept it. I will consult another physician."
So the bloke sees numerous doctors all over Europe and North America but they all come to the same conclusion. His member has got to be chopped off. Just as the plane's landing at Heathrow the bloke has an idea. If it's an Oriental, Far-Eastern disease then why doesn't he consult an Oriental doctor! So an appointment is made and it's off to Chinatown in London. The bloke explains his problems and the doctor gives a full examination.
"No, I don't think amputation is necessary", says the oriental doctor. The patient is over the moon.
"Brilliant! I saw dozens of doctors from Europe and America. They all said amputation was the only way."
"Pah!! Western doctors", says the Chinese gentleman with disdain. "What do THEY know !?!. Any doctor worth his salt could tell you that it'll drop off by itself in 4-6 weeks!"
 
West Virginia's Statehood
A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license.
She presented her West Virginia driver's license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!" A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.
 
Top 20 Management Terminologies
A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.

EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.

MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.

IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!

SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.

ALL NEW - Not interchangeable with the previous design.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked!

LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

ITS IN TESTING RIGHT NOW- we have no idea how to do this.

WE ARE USING FOCUS GROUPS EXTENSIVELY- Maybe they know how its done.

OUR ONLY OPTION IS TO REENGENEER THE PROCESS- How else can we justify firing most of the existing staff without looking like complete idiots.
 
Insurance Professionals

On the first day God made the sun; so the Devil countered and created sunburn.
On the second day God created sex, and in response the Devil created marriage.
On the third day, God made an insurance broker, and the Devil was stumped.
After much consideration, he created a second broker.
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A smart insurance company executive and an honest broker were seen walking down the street with Santa Claus.
They all spotted a $50 bill laying right in the middle of the side walk
Who picked it up?
Santa did...a smart insurance executive and an honest broker are figments of your imagination!
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DEFINITION: un-der-writ-er n. 1 : One who lacks the personality to be an Actuary.
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Question: Why do risk managers have such clear vision and foresight?
Answer: From the ivory tower, you can see forever.
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Ever notice how little aerobic exercise attorney's need? Must be from chasing all those ambulances.
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The only way to tell if a broker is lying is to check if his lips are moving.
On the other hand, insurance company executives don't lie... they really just don't know what the the truth is!
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Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.
Old underwriters, on the other hand, just take less risks.
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When risk managers are right, they'll always let you know their entirely right.
When wrong, RMs will only let know they're mostly right.
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Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.
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If a risk manager, a broker and an underwriter were all drowning and you could only save one of them, which would you do first?
Go to lunch; or
Read the paper.
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Question: Why did God create actuaries?
Answer: So that insurance forecasting can be considered an accurate science..
 
Toaster Manufacturing
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
If Coca Cola made toasters...
They'd be capable of making the original, diet and new improved toast as long as you bought your bread in the inconvenient six-pack.
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.... but only the original bread that came from the manufacturer would work in it....when you needed to buy more.... you needed a different toaster.... from somebody else (but wait, new plans at Apple indicate that you will be able to by that different toaster from them ... but of course it won't use the same bread as the original. And as a matter of fact.. won't operate anything like the old one... but they say that's good!!!)
 
There's Nobody Home

The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there.
This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.
 
Management Rhetoric

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:
Somebody in operations claims that we have finally written our first piece of software that doesn't freeze up the computer. When we find out what the program actually does, we will be ahead of Microsoft on 2 counts!

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but that's because the boss dated the editor-in-chief.

IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions (hell, we are not really sure if they would understand the question)

WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We are frankly not sure if this refers to the fact that we have a lot of turnover, or to the parking lot at quitting time.

EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:
Overweight guys in gray suits will bore you with tales how it used to be.... between the meetings run by the outside "facilitators" (who were formerly known as consultants until their knowledge became completely outdated).

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes...provided by those facilitator types.

FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We have some of the most clueless executives around. Watching them attack a simple problem will have you laughing so hard that it will bring tears to your eyes.

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We booze it up at company parties.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
Knowing the right thing to say at the right time, especially when no one has a clue of what's really going on is a skill that is required more often than not.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:
We'll offer you $22k to start.

A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:
You'll be sitting in the first desk in the open area next to the elevator.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:
You get to chose which 72 hours a week you work, and we will pay you for the last 40.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around. We will keep to this approach until we find out which activities actually are related to positive outcomes!

WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:
Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or world history.. then we're not really sure if you are qualified to do a job a six grader can master in 20 minutes. Besides with the proper education, you will certainly be smart enough not to ask questions that your immediate boss can't answer, and his boss doesn't even understand.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect, because the overweight gentleman with the management title hasn't got a clue of what needs to be done.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what is needed, do it, and explain to them why what you have done, is really what they asked for.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.

ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:
We loooooove brown-nosers.
 
The Three Biggest Corporate Lies

3 Biggest Software Lies:
The program's fully tested and bugfree.
We're working on the documentation.
Of course we can modify it.

3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files.
We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
The new machines on order.

3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
People are our greatest resource.
We say 'let the marketplace decide'.

3 Biggest Small Company Lies:
We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
The boss is just one of the guys.
Staying small is a conscious decision.

2 Biggest Marketing Lies:
Immediate delivery?...No problem.
We treat every customer as if they were our most important
 
The Non-Abled Workers Act

WASHINGTON, DC-On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans. The act, signed into law by President Clinton in Shanghai shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees. The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society or, for that matter, the human race; some sort of void to fill in this great nation."
 
Everything I Need To Know I Learned In Corporate America

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
18. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
19. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
20. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
21. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
22. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
24. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
25. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
26. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize.
 
Employer Speak

Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend
Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
Self-Motivated: Management won't answer questions
Casual Work Atmosphere: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Competitive Environment: We have a lot of turnover.
Some Public Relations Required: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it..
Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Career-Minded: We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
Problem-Solving Skills a Must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
Ability To Handle A Heavy Workload: You whine, you're fired.
Flexible Hours: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
 
Employee Travel Cutbacks

Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective immediately, the following revised procedures apply:

LODGING
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

TRANSPORTATION
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

MEALS
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Price Club, Costco, Sam's Clubs, etc., often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other food sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

MISCELLANEOUS
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens, and other items previously purchased as campus giveaways will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

Enjoy your trips!
 
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

* Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
* Bill Clinton: I don't recall.
* Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
* Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
* Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
* Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad? Yes!
The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it,
I've not been told!
* Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
* Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.
How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
* Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
* L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
* Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
* Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
* Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
* Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road; it transcended it.
* Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
 
Management

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.

"Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."

"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.

"I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."

"That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
 
Corporate Lesson

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
 
Love letter from HR Manager


To, Priya
Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms prey,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since
the 14th of October (Saturday).

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving his letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your other friends (girls), if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!
Thanking you in anticipation,
Yours sincerely,
Xyz
HR Manager
:SugarwareZ-191:
 
Once SONIA GANDHI, L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were travelling in an auto rickshaw, they met with an accident and all three of them died.
Yama Raja was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.

He asks Mrs GANDHI and Advani to go to HEAVEN.

But, for Laloo, Yama had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.
Laloo is not at all happy with this decision.

He asks Yama as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public positions, etc.

Then why the differential treatment?

He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived < BR>notions.



Yama agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test.

Mrs GANDHI is asked to spell " INDIA " and she does it correctly.

Advani is asked to spell " ENGLAND " and he too passes.

It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell " CZECHOSLOVAKIA ".

Laloo protests that he doesn't know English.

He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.

Yama then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).

Mrs GANDHI is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". She writes it easily and passes.

Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.

Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR....."
Tough one. He fails again.



Laloo is extremely unhappy.

Having been a student of history (which the oth er two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history

Yama says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.

Mrs GANDHI is asked: "When did India get Independence ?". She replied "1947" and passed.

Advani is asked "How many people died during the independence struggle?".

He gets nervous. Yama asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000.
Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.

It's Laloo's turn now.



Yama asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle.
Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.

Moral of the stor y: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE..... ... :-)
 
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