JOKES
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* What do they call French Toilet in Bihar ?
La loo
* Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the
security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs"
and moved on...
* Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las
Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could
you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo
immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
* Laloos family planning policy..
"Don't have more than two children in one year"
* At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,
SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
* After having become the Railway Minister, Laloo decides to pose for a picture.
To show he is down to earth Railway Minister he decides to pose along with a herd of
buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for
the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS
THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"
* Laloo Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business
Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with
Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years
and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was
very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me
three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"
* A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"
"Marriage"
La loo
* Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush the
security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs"
and moved on...
* Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las
Vegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji could
you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...".
The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo
immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.
* Laloos family planning policy..
"Don't have more than two children in one year"
* At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender,
"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." & the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS,
SINGLE." The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."
* After having become the Railway Minister, Laloo decides to pose for a picture.
To show he is down to earth Railway Minister he decides to pose along with a herd of
buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for
the photo. Next day the photo appears front page of a newspaper. GUESS
THE CAPTION "Laloo, third from left"
* Laloo Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business
Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with
Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years
and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was
very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me
three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"
* A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?"
"Marriage"
School Joke
A first-grade teacher , Ms Tulip (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked ," Boy, what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade . My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office . While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."
Ms Tulip says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.
Ms Tulip asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Tulip: " What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky ? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me . You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg .
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTION WRONG MYSELF"
A first-grade teacher , Ms Tulip (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked ," Boy, what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade . My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office . While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."
Ms Tulip says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.
Ms Tulip asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Tulip: " What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut
Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky ? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy: Shake hands
Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me . You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy: Tent
Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg .
Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy: Nose
Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy: Fire truck
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
Boy: Fork
Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy: SURNAME
Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTION WRONG MYSELF"
Om shanti Om ka dialogue Humare Market (Sharemarket) ke andaaz mein..... Itni shiddat se maine profit milane ki koshish ki hai.........ki sensex ne mujhe profit na dene ki saazish ki hai.......Agar tum kisi scrip mein profit milana chahte ho,,, to saari Nifty tumhe usko profit karane me lag jati hai...........Ye Market bhi apne hindi filmon ki tarah hote hain........end tak sab kuch achha ho hi jata hai-HAPPY ENDING......aur agar aisa nahi hota....... to Market abhi khatam nahi hue......Commodities abhi baaki hai mere dost.............
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock.” The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers, continue reading….
…
…
…
…
…
…
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife
Moral of the story: Women think they’re so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock.” The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers, continue reading….
…
…
…
…
…
…
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife
Moral of the story: Women think they’re so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!
The Economy Is So Bad That…
I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border into Mexico.
I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.
Even people who aren’t in Barack Obama’s cabinet aren’t paying taxes.
Oh wait, that’s only 9 of them… darn recession is scaling down everything.
I got a pre-declined credit card offer in the mail.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Parents in Bevery Hills are considering raising their own children.
I saw the CEO of Wal-Mart shopping at Wal-Mart.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
A prostitute asked me if she could borrow $20 until she can get back on her back.
I saw a van full of legal immigrants illegally crossing the border into Mexico.
I saw four CEOs playing miniature golf.
Even people who aren’t in Barack Obama’s cabinet aren’t paying taxes.
Oh wait, that’s only 9 of them… darn recession is scaling down everything.
One day a father gets off of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson answers:
"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend."
The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson answers:
"Sir, 'Divorced Barbie' is a complete set. She comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Dog, Ken's Children, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... as a special feature, Ken's Best Friend."
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what you're a-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "I never thought about it before, but he's probably drinking beer at the bar with his friends."
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what you're a-hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "I never thought about it before, but he's probably drinking beer at the bar with his friends."
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic fellow prisoners.
AT WORK...........they are called co-workers.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic fellow prisoners.
AT WORK...........they are called co-workers.
For the young, Red Skelton was a marvelous comic back in the 1950s. As you will see, his humor is timeless. These lines are from the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four-letter word
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
We've all heard about men having guts and men having balls. In fact, they are both slang for 'courage'. But you know what? They aren't synonyms.
Do you want to know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you going flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
Do you want to know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS- is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you going flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, being met at the staircase by your wife with a broom, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours