Ultimate Jokes!!!!!!!!!!

Once Salman Khan, Sharukh khan and Aamir Khan died and all of them went to hell. After a few days Hrithik Roshan went to pay a visit to hell to meet them. First he went to Salman. He saw that Salman was with a girl with one eye, one leg, no nose. Hrithik was surprised to see this, he asked god why did u punish Salman like this.. God said that he had commited a lot of sins.

Then he went to Aamir, he also had the same kind of girl. Again Hrithik asked the same question and God also gave he same answer back. In the end he went to Sharukh and was surprised to see that Sharuk Khan was with Cindy Crawford. He asked God that why did he gave Cindy to him, God replied, ' Cindy committed a lot of sins.'
 
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke.

The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack
 
God finally had enough and decided to end the world. However He wanted to warn the people.

He decided to call the three most influentialpeople of the world. He therefore summoned Bill Clinton, Fidel Castro and Bill Gates into one room and told them of His plan and to go out and inform the world.

President Clinton immediately appeared on CNN and told the U.S. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there IS a God. The bad news is He is going to end the world.

Fidel Castro went to the Communist network and told them. "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, despite what we have taught all these years, there IS a God. The worse news is, He is upset. He is about to end the world"

Bill Gates turned to the internet and informed the world. I have good news and better news... The good news is, God thinks I am one of the three most influential people on earth... the better news is this that..... I won't have to upgrade Windows 98........
 
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.

About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you", asked Bill. Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me.

"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".
 
There are three engineers in a car, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
 
Bill Gates died in an accident involving a misguided pie which was thrown at him by an angry Macintosh protester. Because of his achievements in life, it was decided that he should go to heaven.

God Personally showed Bill around heaven, displaying the Waterfalls, Great Forests, Lagoon's and Wet-T-shirt contests that are held regularly. Bill was impressed by all of them and kept nodding his head in approval, which pleased God because he enjoyed pleasing others.

When they finished the tour, God took Bill into his Throne room and sat down on the blindingly shiny throne. God asked Bill how he had enjoyed heaven so far, and Bill replied;

"It's been great, but you're in my chair."
 
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Kerry.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.' And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English fool again.
 
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
 
rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner people.”
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off that corner… NOW!”
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”
Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, “especially since this is a bus stop.”
 
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
 
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says “Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.”
The woman answered “Well, I have contacts.”
The policeman replied “I don’t care who you know! You’re getting a ticket!”
 
Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. “What are those knives doing in your car?” asked the officer.
“I juggle them in my act.”
“Oh yeah?” says the cop. “Let’s see you do it.” So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
 
Gabber: Kitne Aadmi they.
Sambha: Sardar Do,
Gabber: Mujhe ginti nahi aati. Do kitne hotey hain?
Sambha: Sardar Do Ek ke baad aata hai.
Gabber : Aur Do ke pehle?
Sambha: Do ke pehle Ek aata hai.
Gabber: To beech mein kaun aata hai?
Sambha: Beech mein koi nahi aata.
Gabber: To fir Dono ek saath kyon nahi atey?
Sambha: Do Ek ke baad hi aa sakta hai, kyonki Do ek se bada hai.
Gabber: Do ek se bada hai? Kitna bada hai?
Sambha Do ek se Ek bada hai?
Gabber: Agar Do ek se ek bada hai to ek ek se kitna bada hai?
Sambha: Sardar, Maine tumhara namak khaya hai, mujhe goli mar do.
 
Teacher : why are majority of south Indians dark in color?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Student: Because they watch Sun TV, Surya TV, Udaya TV without applying
Sunscreen lotion........
icon_razz.gif
icon_razz.gif
icon_razz.gif
icon_razz.gif
 
A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying,


"Free to good home.
You want it, you take it."


For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read,


"Fridge for sale, $50."


The next day, someone stole it.
 
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for
supper."


"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the
dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"



"I know all that."



"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"



"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
 
We're told Abe Lincoln studied by the fireplace,
Mozart composed by candlelight and Galileo did his
inventing by the light of an oil lamp.

Didn't any of these guys ever think of working during
the day?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top