mini HUMOur THREad..

roshcrazy

roshcrazy

Roshni Bhatia
Thats how business is done

DAD FINDS A BRIDE FOR HIS SON.

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the
World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World
Bank.

Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a
vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents
than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's
son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done!!:pound: :pound:

Moral:Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything.
But your attitude should be positive :bigsmile:
 
How a HR writes love letter-----------------------------------

Dear Miss _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ,

I am very pleased to inform you that with reference to your profile

sent to us a few days back and the subsequent meetings and the

discussions conducted at the near by garden on 12 of june at 1400 Hrs. ,

it is hereby informed that you are selected and offered with the

designation junior girl friend ( trainee ) in our esteemed organization

" My Heart " with the agreed remuneration details as described at the

last section of the mail text.

You are requested to join duty on or before 28.6.2005 at 9 am at

Leisure Valley, CHANDIGARH.

As discussed earlier and agreed upon by both the sides it is here

by confirmed that any notice period due paid to your previous

boyfriend or deducted from your assets / Gifts while returning

from your previous boy friend will be reimbursed by our organization

" My Heart " on submission of necessary documents / Proofs .

Items like Love letters / flowers / buckets / rings of gold of

or above 24 carrots only / Gift pack with cover on which date and

rate mentioned / restaurant bills / Disco theque or movie tickets /

Evidences of tender coconut enjoyed together will be strictly

debarred off as per the reimbursement policies and guidelines set

by " My Heart ".

As per the company guidelines Our love affair would be on probation

for a period of six months during which your importance to my heart

will be measured . The Parameters set for measurement are your

performance level , Quality and duration of love , Punctuality

during datings , cost of gifts /quality , Uniform during romance /

Manners and etiquette at the time when I will be late during datings,

maintenance of distance from other handsome guys during our affair.

On successful completion of probation for a period of six months and

depending on your Performance Appraisal ratings and compatibility,

you will be offered with permanent Employment in " My Heart " and you

will be projected on job training and performance appraisal schemes

leading up to promotion form lover to spouse. The training Schedule

includes several sittings on

" How to be a better girlfriend "

" tricks and techniques of Success in Love "

" How to find out nukes and disadvantages of a Boy friend and Ignore

them " ( Indigenously designed and developed )

Few crash courses on " how to deal effectively with other girls related

to your boy Friend " and " Smart ways of facing situations like Struggle

for Existence and Survival of the Fittest techniques with your Boyfriends "

The expenses incurred for coffee / Movie / Tender coconut and entertainment

would initially be shared equally between us. Later on based upon your

performance, I might take up a larger share a part of the expenses.

However I am broad minded enough to be taken care of, on your expenses account

Here by it is to request you to kindly respond within 7 days of receiving

this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled with / with out

further notice and I shall be considering someone else with similar skill

set and experience level for the same vacancy . I would be happy, if you

could forward this letter to your sister / Friend / Previous Boy Friend's

Previous Girl Friend / All of the above , if you do not decide to take up

this offer . Upon successful selection of any Girls referred by you , you

will be Compensated with price worth of one month Expenditure to be spent

on that girl as my new girl friend .

Thanking you in anticipation,

Your sincerely,

Your Package

----------------------

Name : _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Designation : junior girl friend ( trainee )

Experience : 2 guys ( One in city , One academic - during college )

Total gross ( Monthly ) : 3 gifts worth 3000/-

30 bike rides each duration 2 hours

20 trips to FR, gedi route

5 Trips to Iskon Temple

10 Kulfis / Chokobars at a regular gap of 3 days

Daily Provision of samosa / Aloo bhujia / paneer Pakoda worth of 5/-

4 movies ( Hindi Family movie only ) per month on every weekend

Visits to kausali resorts and Digshai every Weekend

Pair of Jeans or T-shirts according to Demand

Net Deductions ( Monthly ) : Provident Fund and Service taxes to be informed on joining
 
Taking a Peek at Upper Management's Thoughts

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: “The beatings will continue until morale improves.”

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect and think highly of him.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.":bigsmile:


Article Source :
http://www.bestmanagementarticles.com
 
a manager's task..hihihihahaha

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.":bigsmile:
 
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When---


You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

You wake up hung over and confused. You have a black eye and a swollen face. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party. :aj1:

Article Source :
http://www.bestmanagementarticles.com
 
Management Lessons - Part -1

It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a lion is sitting outside
his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"

Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"

Fox: "Hmm. But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your great claws
will only destroy it even more"

Lion: "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed"

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great Claws
cannot fix complicated watches"

Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed"

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with
the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion
continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"

Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"

Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no
way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV"

Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it?"

The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a
perfectly
fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.


Scene: Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and
intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work
with
very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking
very pleased with himself.


Moral: IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A SUPERVISOR IS FAMOUS LOOK AT THE WORK OF
HIS SUBORDINATES.

In the context of the working world:

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED, LOOK AT THE WORK
OF HIS SUBORDINATES.
 
Management Lessons - Part -2
Part II:

It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his
burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"

Rabbit: "My thesis."

Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"

Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat
foxes!"

Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing
on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."

Wolf: "you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns
by
himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."

Bear: "Well that's absurd!

Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"

As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the
lion.


Moral: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS.
WHAT MATTERS IS WHO YOU HAVE FOR A SUPERVISOR.

In the context of the working world: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR
PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU
 
Fly & Salesman...!!

Story 1: Fly

We all must have seen a fly trapped in a room ! If it reaches a glass
window it continues to flutter at the glass, trying to escape. It does
not think there can be other openings in the room to escape !

Story 2 : Salesman

Once there was a sales man whose sales ranged between 80% to 95% of
his budget. Disheartened with the results, he took an appointment with
a marketing consultant, to know where he was wrong. He reached the
consultant?s office at the appointed time. After entering the office
he saw two doors, instead of a receptionist. One door was marked
?SALES LESS THAN 100%? and the other door was marked ?SALES MORE THAN
100%?. Since his average sale was less than 100%, he entered to the
Ist door. After entering the room he found two more doors ? one was
marked ?EARN INCENTIVES? and the other door was marked ?NOT EARN
INCENTIVES?. Since he did not earn incentive on regular basis, he
entered the IInd door. He again found two doors, one was marked ?HAPPY
WITH YOUR SELF? and the other was marked ?NOT HAPPY WITH YOUR SELF?.
Since he was not an achiever, he was not happy and so entered the IInd
door. And surprisingly on entering it he found himself on the same
street where he had entered.


Morale of these two stories

If we continue to work with same attitude and with same approach, if
our style of functioning remains the same, if we take same steps then
we will meet the same fate. Similar actions again and again will lead
to similar results, again and again. To get different or desired
results : we have to bring about a change in our attitude, in our
approach towards our customer, bring about a change in our style of
functioning, thus we must open different doors.
 
The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was In charge. Each organ took a turn to speak up:
Brain....... .. I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood....... . I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs........ . I should be in charge because I take the brain where it Wants to go.
Eyes........ . I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole..... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.

All the other parts laughed so hard and this made the asshole very mad.
To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and Stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable
Day 4 - Eyes became watery and vision became blurred
Day 5 - Blood became toxic and poisoned the body
Day 6 -The other organs agreed to let the asshole be in charge.

MORAL OF THE STORY: "NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, OR HOW IMPORTANT YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU WILL FIND THAT IT IS ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE THAT IS IN CHARGE":bigsmile:
 
Once PV Narasimha Rao, L.K.Advani and Laloo Prasad Yadav were traveling in an auto rickshaw. They met with an accident and all three of them died.

Yam Raj was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.

He asks PVNR and Advani to go to HEAVEN.
But, for Laloo, Yam had already decided that he should be sent to HELL.

Laloo is not at all happy with this decision. He asks Yam as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of them had served the public.
Similarly, all took bribes; all misused public positions, etc.

Then why differential treatments?

He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived notions.

Yam agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test.
PVNR is asked to spell " INDIA " and he does it correctly.

Advani is asked to spell " ENGLAND " and he too passes.

It is Laloo's turn and he is asked to spell " CZECHOSLOVAKIA ".

Laloo protests that he doesn't know English. He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus forced to fail with false intent.

Yam then agrees to conduct a written test in Hindi (to give another chance assuming that Laloo should at least feel that Hindi would provide an equal platform for all three).

PVNR is asked to write "KUTTA BOLA BHOW BHOW". He writes it easily and passes.
Advani is asked to write "BILLY BOLI MYAUN MYAUN". He too passes.
Laloo is asked to write "BANDAR BOLA GURRRRRR...”

Tough one. He fails again.

Laloo is extremely unhappy.

Having been a student of history (which the other two weren't), he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in history. Yam says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.

PVNR: "When did India get Independence?" He replied "1947” and passed.

Advani: "How many people died during the independence struggle?"
He gets nervous. Yam asked him to choose from 3 options: 100,000 or 200,000 or 300,000.

Advani catches it and says 200,000 and passes.

It's Laloo's turn now.

Yam asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 200,000 who died in the struggle.

Laloo accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.


Moral of the story

IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE
 
kiss per yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
 
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
 
Job Interview - Honest HR Question-Answers

If we were to Honestly reply to all the HR Questions they would go something like this

1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4.What would you do if we hire you?
Well, it depends on my mindset but I will try to work on whatever is allotted to me.

5.What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company.

6.What is your biggest weakness?
Girls

7.What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learn that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today!

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

9.Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

10.Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job... more money

11.What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes

12.What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs

13.Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website

14.What is the salary expected and how do u justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard (I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%).
 
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”
 
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

~ Miss Alabama’s Heather Whitestone in the 1994 Miss USA contest, who was later selected as Miss America 1995.

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”

~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.


“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

~ Mariah Carey

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”

~ Bill Clinton, Former President of the United States
 
i gt this in my mail..mannnn..its hilarious...must read...

IF YOU yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body tosquirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.) :bigsmile:

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

:pound: :pound:
 
A little boy was excited about his first day at school.
So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class
started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to
the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if
he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but
asked him to be quick.

Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate
and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram
to where he should go and asked him if he will be able
to find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes"
and goes on his way.

Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says
to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at
the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So two fellas go together and five minutes later they
both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks
Jon, "Well, did you find it?"

Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his
boxer shorts on backwards"
 
A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up
to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on
her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test
to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the
balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a
couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"
 
An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
 
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