Laughter and jokes and fwds and stuff

Immutable Laws of the Universe

Immutable Laws of the Universe

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease
your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because
you had a flat tire, the very next morning
you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
were in will start to move faster than the
one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed
in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone
you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
Theater Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are
furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which
will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker
room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing
face down on a floor covering are directly correlated
to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know
what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you
really like, they will stop making it.
Law of Chinese Restaurants:
If you are the ONLY customer sitting in a Chinese
restaurant when the next person comes in the
hostess will seat him/her right next to you.
 
THE INTERVIEW WITH GOD

THE INTERVIEW WITH GOD

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

“So you would like to interview me?” God asked.

“If you have the time” I said.

God smiled. “My time is eternity.”
“What questions do you have in mind for me?”

“What surprises you most about humankind?”

God answered...
“That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then
long to be children again.”

“That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health.”

“That by thinking anxiously about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live in neither
the present nor the future.”

"That they live as if they will never die,
and die as though they had never lived.”

God’s hand took mine
and we were silent for a
while.

And then I asked...
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons
you want your children to learn?”

“To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved.”

“To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others.”

“To learn to forgive
by practicing forgiveness.”

“To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them.”

“To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least.”

“To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings.”

“To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently.”

“To learn that it is not enough that they
forgive one
another, but they must also forgive themselves.”

"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.

"Is there anything else
you would like your children to know?"

God smiled and said,
“Just know that I am here... always.”

-author unknown
 
mgmt lesson

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage,
started his bus, and drove off along the route. No
problems for the first few stops - a few people got
on, a few got off, and things went generally well.



At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got
on. Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms
hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver
and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at
the back.



Did I mention that the driver was five feet three,
thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally,
he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy
about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big
John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay,
and sat down. And the next day, and the next.



This grated on the bus driver, who started losing
sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of
him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed
up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all
that good stuff.


By the end of the summer, he had become quite
strong; what's more, he felt really good about
himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once
again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't
pay!"



The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger,
and screamed, "And why not? "



With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied,
"Big John has a bus pass ."


Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in
the first place before working hard to solve one."
 
govt

As daily habit litte Johnny was reading newspaper.
>Suddenly he asked his father, " Dad! What does it mean by 'Governance
>System' ? "
>" Its Like...", father said while thinking, " See! I earn and bring
>Money to home, mean's I am a 'Money Holder'. Your mother decides where and
>how to spend that money and that means she is 'Government'. That maid in
>our home is doing all the household works, so she will be 'Labour Class'.
>You are a 'Common man' or 'Public'. Your kid brother is 'Future' or the
>'Next Generation', understand?".
>That day Johnny slept with all those thoughts. In the middle of the night
>he woke-up because his kid brother was crying. He wetted the matresses so
>he was crying.
>Johnny went to wake-up his mother. She was in deep sleep so Johnny went to
>the Maiden's room to wake her up. But there his father was sleeping. So he
>came back with frustration.
>Next morning father asked Johnny, " Hey Johnny! You understood the
>'Governance System'? ".
>Johnny replied, " Yeah Dad, I understood! When money Holder is exploiting
>Labour Class, our Government is sleeping. Future of our nation is crying
>For
>not getting their basic needs fulfilled and in all this Common Man Is
>suffering!"
 
THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE!!!!!

THAT IS THE DIFFERENCE!!!!!
>
>
> Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, "I'm
>tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed."
>
>
>
> She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the
>next day's lunches. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the
>
>freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box
>levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and
>started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet
>clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a
>shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on
>the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book
>into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung
>up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
>She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out
>some cash for the excursion and pulled a text book out from hiding under
>the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and
>stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put
>both near her bag Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on
>her Night Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her
>teeth and filed her nails.
>
>
>
> Dad called out, "I thought you were going to bed."
>
>
>
>"I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and
>put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio
>light was on. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their
>bedside lamps and radios, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into
>the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing
>homework.
>
>
>
>In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day,
>straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most
>important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the
>accomplishment of her goals.
>
>
>
>About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in
>particular. "I'm going to bed." And he did...without another thought.
>
>
>
>Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...? 'CAUSE
>THEY ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL...... (and they can't die sooner, they
>still have things to do!!!!)
 
Is this really your third marriage?

Sure is.

What happened to your first two wives?

They died.

How did your first wife die?

She ate some poisonous mushrooms.

What about your second wife?

She died from a severe skull fracture.

How did she get a skull fracture?

She wouldn't eat the mushrooms
 
Is this really your third marriage?

Sure is.

What happened to your v first two wives?

They died.

How did your first wife die?

She ate some poisonous mushrooms.

What about your second wife?

She died from a severe skull fracture.

How did she get a skull fracture?

She wouldn't eat the mushrooms
 
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
 
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