laugh laugh...

A team of Managers was given an assignment to measure the height of a
flagpole. So the Managers go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.
They're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole
thing is just a mess.

An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over,
pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end
to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the Engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs."
See this idiot. We're looking for height and he gives the length!"

Moral: "No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in
you".
 
Magician and Parrot




There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.


The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.


Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.


Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.


For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.


"All right I give up ..." chirped the parrot, "... What have you done with the ship?"
 
Student Vs Professor




After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
 
love lust. marriage..

Love, lust & marriage...




LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE - When you lose your child in crowded room.




LOVE - When intercourse is called "making Love."

LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."

MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?




LOVE - When you share everything you own.

LUST - When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.




LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.

LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.

MARRIAGE - What's a climax?




LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.

LUST - When all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.




LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.

LUST - When you couldn't care less

MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.




LOVE - When your farewell is "I Love you, darling..."

LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."

MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.




LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST - When you only see each other naked.

MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.




LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.

LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.

MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time yousee them.




LOVE - When nobody else matters.

LUST - When nobody else knows.

MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.




LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.

MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.




LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.

LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.

MARRIAGE - When just getting through today is your only thought.




LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST - When you're only interested in doing things to your partner.

MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
 
If You Can...

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you,

when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things,


THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY THE FAMILY DOG
 
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and say, "I am very rich.Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says, "He's very rich.Marry him."
That's Advertising.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and get her telephone number. The next day you call
and say, "Hi,I'm very rich.Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her
bag after she drops it, offer her aride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich.Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says, "You are very rich.."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and say, "I'm rich.Marry me" She gives you a nice hard
slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback !!!!!

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and say, "I am very rich.Marry me!" And she introduces
you to her husband
That's Demand and supply gap.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and before you say, "I am very rich.Marry me!" she
turns her face towards you ------------ she is your
wife !
That's competition eating into your market share
 
Man Schooling:


For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for Marriage, Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....




TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you too, can be a real man as well as earn an ASSociates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.




FIRST YEAR


Autumn Schedule:


MEN 101 Combating Stupidities


MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework


MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut


MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy underclothes for Christmas




Winter Schedule:


MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques


MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM


MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception


EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook


EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II


ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers




Spring Schedule:


MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Butthole When you're Wrong


MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence


MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex




MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers


ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers






SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:


SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It


SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower


SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex


MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down




Elective (See Electives Below)


Winter Schedule:


MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency


MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children


MEN 212 You Too, Can Be a Designated Driver


MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise


MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important




Spring Schedule:


MEN 220 Omitting %&*! From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)




MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions


MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay


MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2




Course Electives:


EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu


EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils


EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly


MEN 231 Mothers-in-law


MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening


MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"


ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her





Just a thought for all the women out there...



MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist


Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know (and men with a sense of humor) and brighten their day!!!... And when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy .
 
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long
enough.

3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all
went, it would be Hell.

4. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

5. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get
started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't
work.

6. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we
clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

7. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs
every time they see a bikini.

8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear
shoes.

9. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two
cases of beer instead of one.

10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE He
just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him.

11. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

12. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you
his real name.

13. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the
remote control between his toes.

14. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can
understand them.

16. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after
mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

17. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from
grazing.

18. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

19. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
 
MURPHY'S COMBAT LAWS

1. You are not a superman.
2. If it痴 stupid but works, it isn稚 stupid.
3. Don稚 look conspicuous-it draws fire.
4. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
5. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
6. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
7. If your attack is going really well, it痴 an ambush.
8. No plan survives the first contact intact.
9. All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds.
10. Try to look unimportant because the bad guys may be low on ammo.
11. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
12. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
13. The important things are always simple.
14. The simple things are always hard.
15. The easy way is always mined.
16. If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
17. When you have secured an area, don稚 forget to tell the enemy.
18. Incoming fire has right of way.
19. Friendly fire isn稚.
20. If the enemy is in range-SO ARE YOU!
21. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
22. Things that must be together to work, usually can稚 be shipped together.
23. Radio痴 will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
24. Anything you do can get you shot-including doing nothing.
25. Tracers work both ways.
26. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
27. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can稚 get out.
28. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.
29. When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.
30. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
31. Murphy was a grunt.
 
There was a couple married for quite some time and they had a boy some 5-6 years old. The relationship b/w the couple was turning sour.


So finally it reached such a stage that they thought it was better for them to be divorced than carry on such a relationship.


So they consulted a lawyer. But the big question was who would have the kid. In the hearing in the court. It was decided that this choice should be left on the kid. So the judge asked "Son, would you like to stay with your mummy?"


Kid said,"No, mummy beats me" :(( So the judge asked "Then, would you like to stay with your papa then ?" Kid said, "No, papa beats me" :(( Now the judge was in a dilemma and was not able to decide what to do... after pondering for some time he smiled with the ideas he had in his mind about the child......



And he gave the judgment that the kid would stay with......




any guesses????????






come on I know you can make it......




















ok here goes the answer













The kid would stay with the Indian Cricket Team because they






NEVER BEAT ANYBODY!!
 
Please be advised that there are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.



Transportation:



ｷ It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to
your salary.


ｷ If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore you do not need a raise.


ｷ If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we
assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.


ｷ If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.



Annual Leave:


Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year (Wooow!). They are
called Sunday.


LUNCH BREAK:


ｷ Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy.


ｷ Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.


ｷ Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.


SICK DAYS:


We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


TOILET USE:


Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.


ｷ There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the
end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will
retract, the door will open.


Internet Usage


All personal internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted
from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will
be deducted from your salary. (note: Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB
connection).


Just for the record. 73% of the staff will not be entitled to any salary
for the next 3 months as their internet charges have exceeded their 3
months salary.



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.


Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
 
Hi,



Here you will find the top 45 oxymorons. An oxymoron is a
combination of two words that are completely opposite in meaning. You've
probably heard many of these before but didn't realize that they fall within
this category. Read to the end.



45. Act naturally

44. Found missing

43. Resident alien

42. Advanced BASIC

41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food

39. Good grief

38. Same difference

37. Almost exactly

36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill

34. Alone together

33. Legally drunk

32. Silent scream

31. Living dead

30. Small crowd

29. Business ethics

28. Soft rock

27. Butt head

26. Military intelligence

25. Software documentation

24. New classic

23. Sweet sorrow

22. Child Proof

21. "Now, then "

20. Synthetic natural gas

19. Passive aggression

18. Taped live

17. Clearly misunderstood

16. Peace force

15. Extinct life

14. Temporary tax increase

13. Computer jock

12. Plastic glasses

11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

9. Political science

8. Tight slacks

7. Definite maybe

6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake

4. Diet ice cream

3. Working vacation

2. Exact estimate





.And the number 1 oxymoron is..


Peace loving communist
 
Corporate Lingo



COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.


JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.


CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.


MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.


SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.



DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.


MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.


CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).


APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.


NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.


SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.


PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.


REQUIRES PROJECT LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
 
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So,
the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very, very high up.
 
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?"
replied the bull "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey
pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he
was
promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.


Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep you there.
 
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold, that the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on
it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay
there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing
cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him!


The Morals of the story:

when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut
 
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to
be boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I
control the whole body's responses and functions. "
The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the
brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The
hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all
the work and earn all the money." And so it went on
and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until
finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at
the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole
went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands
clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began
to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all
decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the
motion was passed. All the other parts did all the
work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss
- any asshole will do.
 
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in.
AAA is not an option. I will win because if the wire doesn't work a brick will.
_____________________________________________________


Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start
_____________________________________________________


Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an option.
_____________________________________________________


Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. _____________________________________________________


Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_____________________________________________________


Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator)...applies to engineers mainly.
_____________________________________________________


Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, cars or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_____________________________________________________


Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother too.
_____________________________________________________


Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_____________________________________________________


Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_____________________________________________________


Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
_____________________________________________________
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
 
THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP


1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who
cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.



2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.



3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who
doesn't lie to you.



4. It's important to have a woman who cares you always and
whom u like to be with when u r alone


.
.
.
.
the last 'n' most imp. one.................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't
know each other.
 
Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
 
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