just some mails

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny to answer. He replies, "There are none left - they all fly away with the first gun shot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
 
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: She's a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your
14-year-old
daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections
 
This guy only had $5.00, but he just had to have some sex, so
he went to the whore house and asked what he could get for
$5.00. The madam said she didn't have anything, but the guy
insisted he HAD to get laid.

She finally felt sorry for the poor b******, so she took him
up to a really old lady who cleans up the place and said he
could have her for $5.00.

They started getting it on, but it was really dry and rough.
After a while, however, it got really moist and smooth. He
finally exploded, and they started talking about it.

He told her how rough it was to start, but how GREAT it got,
and that it was the best he'd ever had, once things started
moving.

She said, "Yeah, I know what you mean, once all those blisters
popped, it really felt great for me too!"
 
There once was an American Indian whose given name was
"Onestone". So named because he had only one testicle. He
hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me
Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and
nobody called him that any more.Then one day a young woman
named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he made love to her all day and ! all night. He made
love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from
exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he
promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call
him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned
to the village after being away for many years.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when
she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you,
Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the
forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her
all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

And the moral of this story is "you can't kill two birds
with one stone."
 
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.

Here I sit in misty vapour in a shithouse with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out a*****e here comes finger.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs ......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face
 
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.
After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite
unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc.
He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a raise."
"No," she said.
"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took off her
underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look I haven't had this
before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed
his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I have it too...."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only
do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
 
Ginsu Patel comes to the United States from India. He's only
here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor
after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes
to an Indian doctor.

The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room,
shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head
down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Ginsu takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in
the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in
the fumes for ten minutes.

Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked!
I feel terrific. What was it?"

The doctor says, "You were homesick.
 
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: 'Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?'

The father replies: 'Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500, 000.'

The boy goes and asks his mother: 'Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500, 000?' The mother replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

The little boy returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father then says: 'Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500, 000.'

The boy asks his sister: 'Would you have sex with your principal for $500, 000?' The sister replies: 'Hell yes I would!'

He returns to his father: 'Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'' The father answers: 'Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores.'
 
The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur
Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good
man and your motorcycles have changed the world,your reward is, you
can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.
"Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang
out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
invented Harley motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, "Ya, that's me..."
God commented, "Well, whats the big deal about inventing something
that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run
without a road!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, Excuse me but
aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes." Well said Arthur, "professional to professional,
you have some major design flaws in your invention. "
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."
 
A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade class
using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of
Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?"
The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon
. . . lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange."

Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them
for a while, but can't decipher the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give
you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled:
"Everybody spit it out, they're a*****es!"
 
an American, Japanese, and a Sardar were sitting in the sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That's my mobile phone." The Sardar felt low-tech and inferior.

He didn't know what to do to be as impressive as the American & the Japanese. He decided to take a break in the toilet.

When he returned, he didn't realize that there was a piece of toilet paper stuck and hanging from his backside.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"

Instead of being embarrassed, inspiration struck his mind.

The Sardar explained, "I'm getting a FAX. . . . ."
 
A pastor wanted to raise money for his church. He was told that there
was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to purchase one and
enter in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high
that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had
it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper
carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local
paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS!

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid
of the Donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey,
so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the
Donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the
headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.
 
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

3 guys get pulled over by a woman cop.

They tried to get out of the speeding ticket, so the woman said if all ur dicks equal up to 15 inches ill let you off.

The driver pulls out his dick which is 7 inches.

The guy in the front of the passenger seat pulls his out which is 6 inches.

The last guy in the back pulls his out and it's 2 inches.

So they get out of the ticket.

After a while they hear the guy laughing hysterically in the back.

The driver asks, "What's wrong why are you laughing?" the guy in back says good thing I was popping a boner.
 
Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.

One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her,
"The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's stall. You show him where it is."

The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.

She says,
"This is the one, right here."

The man says,
"How do you know?"

Amy says,
"By the nail over it's stall."

The man says,
"What's the nail for?"

Amy says,
"I guess it's to hang your pants on."
 
Two lesbians were walking down the street one-day.

They soon spotted a beautiful woman on the other side of the road. "Ooh, look at that beautiful woman, I'd like to give her one" said the first.

"Unh, Unh" mumbled the other.

It continued like that; anytime they passed a gorgeous woman and the first one would wax lyrical about her, the other would just mumble, "Unh, Unh Uhh...".

When they got to the bar, the first lesbian turned to the other, "Hey, what's with all the mumbling back there when we came across all those beautiful women?"

"I'm sorry ...," said the second lesbian "... my tongue got hard!!!"
 
Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to
drive down from
Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his
friend. He reached there
in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he
decided to return, and
called up his mother to expect him in the evening.
But he didn't reach in
the evening and not the next day either. When he
finally reached home on
the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked
him " Arre Puttar, ki
hoya?"
(What Happened, My Son?)
 
This guy owns a horse farm and gets a call from a friend.
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I`m sending him over".
The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth", the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf ?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse`s teeth.
"Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes.
"OK, what about the earsth?"
Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.
"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."
With that the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse`s twat, and then pulls him out.
Shaking his wet head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."
 
The tensions of life were threatening to get a strangled hold on
Bob, and after he'd finished a good dinner, he relaxed mindlessly
in a soft chair next to the stereo, with a stiff drink in his hand.

His wife knew nothing of his nervous state, and she climbed onto
his lap with the thought of trying to wheedle a gift out of
him by snuggling, murmuring and fondling him.

"Jesus, woman, get off me!" he exploded. "I get enough of this
at the office.
 
The Lord of the manor returned from his grouse hunt quite a
bit earlier than expected. He entered the master bedroom to
change, and found her Ladyship making passionate love to
Sir Archibald Carpley.

The irate Lord stood stiffly and loudly berated his wife for
her infidelity. With thunder in his voice, he reminded her
that he had taken her from a miserable existence on a local
run-down farm, given her a fine home, provided her with
servants, expensive clothes and jewels, and almost anything
she desired.

By this time the woman was crying inconsolably, his Lordship
then turned his wrath on his supposed friend: "And as for you
Reggie -- you might at least stop while I'm talking!"
 
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
"That`s okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I`ll go get some wood for the fire."
About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her bottom is blue.
"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.
"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don`t allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"
"Those troublemakers! I`ll fix them!" the husband shouts.
He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.
"Who is the jerk who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.
A huge man, about 6` 8", steps forward, a shotgun in his hands.
"I did it," he bellows."What you got to say about it?"
The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."
 
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