just some mails

Munna Bhai

Munna Bhai nay pehlay din office khola to bara khush tha. Us ki secertary nay bataya k bahar aik aadmi aaya hai. Munna bara khush hua aur usay andar aanay k liye kaha. Us k andar aanay say pehlay Munna nay socha k us par impression dalna chahiye aur phone utha k batien karnay laga.
Haan Haan! 500 rupay fees hai, apun 10 baje tak betha hai idher, is say late nahi karnay ka, apun bahut busy hai .
Us k baad us nay phone rakha aur aanay walay say poocha Beth na Maamoon, apun teray liye kya kar sakta hai?
Man: Mien phone sahi karnay aaya hoon.
 
Munnbhai again

---------------------------------

Munna: Meray paas aik buri khabar hai, aur aik buhat hi buri khabar hai teray wastay.
Patient: Acha to pehlay buri khabar suna daal.
Munna: Apun k paas jo teri report pahunchi us mien likha tha k teray paas sirf 24 ghantay hain zinda rehnay k liye.
Patient: Sirf 24 ghantay. is say buri khabar kya ho sakti hai.
Munna: (Jadu ki Japhhi Dalte Hoauy) Mien kal say teray tak pahunchnay ki koshish kar raha hoon.

-------------------------------

Munna: Abay Circuit! Jaa baajo walay ghar say Doctor ko bula k laa, meri tabiat kharab ho reli hai.
Circuit: Aey Bhai ! aap to khud doctor ho.
Munna: Bolay to meri fees buhat zyada hai.

-------------------------------

Munna: Bolay to Apun ko tera operation dobara karna paray ga. Kyun k apun kay rubber k gloves teray andar hi reh gaye hain.
Patient: Agar yeh baat hai to mujhay jaanay do. Mien tumharay gloves ki payment kar doon ga.
 
------------------------------

Munna: Bolay to darad kahan hai aapko.
Patient (F): Pooray badan mien hai
Munna: Yeh kaisay ho sakta hai ray, kuch detail batao.
Patient: Tocuhes her right knee and says here, then touches her earlobe and says here, then touches her left cheek and says here, etc.
Munna: Aesay hi khaali peeli tension de reli hai, teri finger mien dard hai.

------------------------------

Patient: Doctor aap ko yakeen hai k mujhay Namoonia (pneumonia) hai, kyun k pichlay dino aik doctor meri friend ka Namoonia ka ilaaj karta raha aur woh Typhoid say mar gayi.
Munna: Haan ray meray ko akha yaqeen hai, tu namoonia say hi maray ga.

-------------------------------

Aik patient Munnabhai k paas aaya, Munna nay us ka chekup kiya aur bola
Munna: Tumharay pass ziyada waqt nahi hai
Patient: Meray pass kitna time hai.
Munna: Dus (10)
Patient: Kya Dus.... Minute..... Ghantay.......... Din......?
Munna: No (9), Aath (, Saat (7),.......

-------------------------------

Raat ka time jab Munna aur chinkie apnay bed room mien so rahay thay to phone ki ghanti baji.
Voice: Aray Doctor sahab jaldi aayeay! Meray betay nay blade kha liya hai
Munna abhi jaanay k liye tayyar hi hota k dobara phone aata hai.
Voice: Doctor Sahab! Ab aanay ki koi zaroorat nahi, meray husband ko shave k liye doosra blade mil gaya hai.

-------------------------------

Aanand jab end mien bachon ko story sunata hai to bolta hai;
Aanand: Munna nay kaha tha k woh mujhay aik month mien meray feet pay khara kar de ga
Bachay: Phir?
Aanand: Phir kya, mujhay us ka bill pay karnay k liye apni car bechna pari.

-------------------------------

Munna: Apna munn kholo.....
Patient opens his mouth: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa..........
Munna throughs his torch light in his mouth: Hmmmmmmm..... Torch sahi hai.

-------------------------------

Chinkie: Tum hamaisha clinic mien apnay saath meri photo bhi kyun le jaatay ho.
Munna: Apun ko jab bhi koi mushkil aati hai, apun tumhari pic dekh leta hoon aur woh prob. solve ho jaati hai.
Chinkie: Dekha! Mien tumharay liye kitni achi aur powerful hoon.
Munna: Haan! Apun teri pic dekhta hai aur apnay aap say bolta hai Is say bari bhi koi problem ho sakti hai bhala.

-------------------------------

Munna: Teray ko maaloom hai k cigarette aik tarah say slow poison ka kaam karta hai.
Patient: To mujhay konsa marnay ki jaldi h
 
------------------------------

Munna: Bolay to darad kahan hai aapko.
Patient (F): Pooray badan mien hai
Munna: Yeh kaisay ho sakta hai ray, kuch detail batao.
Patient: Tocuhes her right knee and says here, then touches her earlobe and says here, then touches her left cheek and says here, etc.
Munna: Aesay hi khaali peeli tension de reli hai, teri finger mien dard hai.

------------------------------

Patient: Doctor aap ko yakeen hai k mujhay Namoonia (pneumonia) hai, kyun k pichlay dino aik doctor meri friend ka Namoonia ka ilaaj karta raha aur woh Typhoid say mar gayi.
Munna: Haan ray meray ko akha yaqeen hai, tu namoonia say hi maray ga.

-------------------------------

Aik patient Munnabhai k paas aaya, Munna nay us ka chekup kiya aur bola
Munna: Tumharay pass ziyada waqt nahi hai
Patient: Meray pass kitna time hai.
Munna: Dus (10)
Patient: Kya Dus.... Minute..... Ghantay.......... Din......?
Munna: No (9), Aath (, Saat (7),.......

-------------------------------

Raat ka time jab Munna aur chinkie apnay bed room mien so rahay thay to phone ki ghanti baji.
Voice: Aray Doctor sahab jaldi aayeay! Meray betay nay blade kha liya hai
Munna abhi jaanay k liye tayyar hi hota k dobara phone aata hai.
Voice: Doctor Sahab! Ab aanay ki koi zaroorat nahi, meray husband ko shave k liye doosra blade mil gaya hai.

-------------------------------

Aanand jab end mien bachon ko story sunata hai to bolta hai;
Aanand: Munna nay kaha tha k woh mujhay aik month mien meray feet pay khara kar de ga
Bachay: Phir?
Aanand: Phir kya, mujhay us ka bill pay karnay k liye apni car bechna pari.

-------------------------------

Munna: Apna munn kholo.....
Patient opens his mouth: Aaaaaaaaaaaaa..........
Munna throughs his torch light in his mouth: Hmmmmmmm..... Torch sahi hai.

-------------------------------

Chinkie: Tum hamaisha clinic mien apnay saath meri photo bhi kyun le jaatay ho.
Munna: Apun ko jab bhi koi mushkil aati hai, apun tumhari pic dekh leta hoon aur woh prob. solve ho jaati hai.
Chinkie: Dekha! Mien tumharay liye kitni achi aur powerful hoon.
Munna: Haan! Apun teri pic dekhta hai aur apnay aap say bolta hai Is say bari bhi koi problem ho sakti hai bhala.

-------------------------------

Munna: Teray ko maaloom hai k cigarette aik tarah say slow poison ka kaam karta hai.
Patient: To mujhay konsa marnay ki jaldi h
 
SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE "LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS"



REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY September 30,2007



NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,



CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.



******



Class 1



How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays.



Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.



Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.



******



Class 2



The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?



Round Table Discussion.



Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 p.m. For 2 hours.



******



Class 3



Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?



Group Practice.



Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



******



Class 4



Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor.



Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.



Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.



******



Class 5



After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?



Examples on Video.



Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM



******



Class 6



Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.



Help Line Support and Support Groups.



Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM



******



Class 7



Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places and Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.



Open Forum.



Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.



******



Class 8



Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.



Graphics and Audio Tapes.



Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



******



Class 9



Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost.



Real Life Testimonials.



Tuesdays at 6:00 P.M. - Location to be determined.



******



Class 10



Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?



Driving Simulations.



4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours.



******



Class 11




Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.



Online Classes and role-playing .



Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.



******



Class 12



How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion:



Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.



Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.



******



Class 13



How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.



Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.



Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



******



Class 14



The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.



Live Demonstration.



Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.



******



Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors!
 
This story tells us something about LOVE & LIFE.




My husband is S/W Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.




Two years of courtship and now, five years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.




I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about LOVE.




One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.




"Why?" he asked, shocked.




"I am tired. There are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.




He kept silent the whole night, seemingly in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament, so what else could I expect from him?




And finally he asked me: "What can I do to change your mind?"




Somebody said it right... It's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.




Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind.




Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?"




He said: "I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.




I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....




My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but....please allow me to explain the reasons further.....




This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.




"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.




You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.




You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way.




You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.




You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.




You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the colour of the glow on your young face...




Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die ... "




My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting. .. And as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...







I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...




That's LIFE, and LOVE. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.




Love shows up in all forms; even in very small and cheeky forms. It has never been a model. It could be the dullest and most boring form ...




Flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... AND THAT'S LIFE
 
Aap itraate bahut ho dil ko behlate bahut ho,
Sochte hai apko Dinner per le jaye,
Par kya kare hamara iraada badal jaata hai,
Kyunki aap khate bahut ho...!!


............ ......... ......... ......... .....





Apki 'smile' ne saara jahan hila diya,
Apki 'smile' ne saara jahan hila diya,
COMA se jaage huye mareez ko permanently sula diya.


............ ......... ......... ......... .....





Ladka apni dilruba se pooch raha hai
Kya pyaar karna paap hai?
Kya pyaar karna paap hai?
Ladke ka dost uske kaan mein bolta hai
"Abbey patli gali pakad peeche uska baap hai"


............ ......... ......... ......... .....





Santa to doctor : Dr: when i sleep monkeys play football in my dream..
Dr:no problem just take this medicine before sleep.
Santa: kal se loonga aaj raat ko final hai.
 
Phool Khil kar udaas hai,
Sagar Ko aaj Paani ki Pyas hai,
Ek baar aap bhi Muskura do,
Kyonki khuda ko Duniya ki sabse Achhi Hasi ki talaash hai.


............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..





Aaj ki raat bahut khubsurat nazar aati ho
Duur ho itni magar kareeb nazar aati ho
Dekh kar khud ko tum khud se sharmaa jaao
Aisi tum chaand ki chandni nazar aati ho


............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..





Teri aankhon ki chamak aisi.
Jaise ambar main chamke taara.
Tere chehre ka noor aisa.
Jaise chand ka janam dubara.
Tu bhand aankh ka khowaab.
Ya jaanat ka koi nazara.


............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ..





Bottle main Pepsi say zyaada....
Used Socks main smell say bhi zyaadaa....
Adnan Sami main charbi say zyaada...
Mithai main sweet say zyaada...
Pakistan main coruption say zzyaada...
I LOV U
 
10 COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE Commandment 1



Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.




***********




Commandment 2



If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.




***********




Commandment 3



Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!




***********




Commandment 4



Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.



In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.



In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.




***********




Commandment 5



When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.




***********




Commandment 6



Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.




***********




Commandment 7



Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.




***********




Commandment 8



Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.



But the law allows only one wife.




***********




Commandment 9



Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.




***********




Commandment 10



A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.




***********




Bonus Commandment ( Story )



A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.



The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.




The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.



"It really works!"




SMILE, IT'S TAX FREE!
 
Yeh tumhara SULAGTA hua JISM ...
KAPKAPATAY HONT....
LARKHARATI AAWAZ...
THARTHARATA BADAN ...
Mujhe pehle se shuq tha ke tumhain
MALARIA HAI.....


............ ......... ......... ......... ..





Yaad hai hum pehli baar kahan miley they...
Train ruki.......
Khidki khuli.......
Nazron se nazren mili........ .
Aur app ne kaha........ ..
Allah ke naam pe dede BABA:-D


............ ......... ......... ......... ..





Dia hai upper waley ne mobile
To itnee to kadar kia kero karo
Na karo call per her roz
Do char sms to kia kero


............ ......... ......... ......... ..





Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!
 
BEST INTERVIEW - Office Humor :)



JUST GO THROUGH IT , YOU WILL ENJOY




One of the best interviews!! !




Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.




Candidate: I am SAMEER GUPTA. I did my Tele Communication engineering from
BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.




Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard
Of this college before!




Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission
Into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! In 12th.I
Was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to
Call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said
- "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this
College. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be
Related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.







Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your
Engineering.




Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you
Know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis
Tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and
3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.




Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.




Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try
To keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches
Really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.




Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.




Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!




Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?




Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I
Would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job
For me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.




Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?




Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education
Itself was so much of pain!!




Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have
You worked?




Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current
Platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can
See I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the
Places in Mumbai)




Interviewer: And which languages have you used?




Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in
German, French, Russian and many other languages.




Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?




Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher
Version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new
Language VD!




Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?




Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the
Language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.




Interviewer: What is your general project experience?




Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times
They are in pipeline!




Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?




Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech Ltd. Since
Joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that
Bench was another software like Windows.




Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?




Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and
Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call
And use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like -
'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes',
'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer
Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!




Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?







Candidate: Not much.



1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.



2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have
Deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.



3. I believe in flexi-timings.



4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I
Would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.



5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to
Avoid breakdown due to overwork.



6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term
preferably 2-4 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and
Europe. But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in
2007, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and
don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?







Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to
INFOSYS .. :-))




No intention to offend anybody..
 
GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!
 
Boy: Chalo kisi viraan jagah chalte hain!
Girl: Tum aisivaisi harkat to nahi karoge?
Boy: Bilkul nahi!
Girl: To phir rehne do... Kya fayda.
******

Ravan was sent to court & was asked to keep a hand on Geeta.
He refused saying: Sita par hath rakh kar itni musibat aayi! Ab Geeta pe haath nahin rakhunga
******





Agar aap bus pe chade...
Ya phir bus aap pe chade...
Dono marthaba ticket aapka hi kat tha hai
******

A lady to another lady: Jab tera divorce huwa tha tab to ek hi baccha tha aur AB 3 kaise? She says: Who kabhi kabhi maafi mangne AA jate the...
******

Tumhari Girl friend ka sms mila hai,
Kahti hai koi patthar se na maare mere deewana ko, twenty first century hai bomb se uda do saale ko.
******

It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle,
Million soldiers 2 protect a country,
But just One woman 2 make a Happy Home!
Let's Thank... KAAMWALI
******

Jija: Sali ji, aapke yahan ki sabse mashhoor cheez kaunsi hai?
Sali: Jija ji, Jo mashhoor thi, usey to aap Le gaye!
******

An old rich man marries a young gal.
Interviewer asks the girl: Apne inmein shaadi ke liye kya dekha?
Girl: Ek to inki income aur doosre inke din kum.
******

Boy: Tum gaana bahut achcha gaate ho.
Girl: Nahin, mein to sirf bathroom singer hoon.
Boy: To bulaao na kabhi, mehfil jamaate hain.
******

Angry boss: Tumne kabhi Ullu dekha hai?
Executive (sar jhukate huwe): Nahin sir. Boss:
Niche kya dekh rahe ho ? Meri taraf dekho.
 
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.


When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.


When we die, our widows get the life insurance.


What do women want to be liberated from?


*******

Thought 2



The average man's life consists of :


Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,


Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;


And at the end, the mourners wondering too.
 
A young man went to his grandfather's place to stay for the weekend.

He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.


He asked his grandfather,"Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"As clean as cold water can get it" was the reply.

So the young man shrugged and started eating.


The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit like dog.

Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"Clean as cold water can get it" was the reply again.

The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.


As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.

"Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!" shouted the old man from inside.
 
Girl: Xcuse me brother, that's my seat.

Boy: OK! But I'm not ur brother, my father never f#@ked ur mom.

Girl: True, but my father did ! :)


............ ......... ......... ......... ......





WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!


............ ......... ......... ......... ......





Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.

Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?

Patient: No, just spots.


............ ......... ......... ......... ......





Peter called his doctor's office for an appointment.

"I'm sorry," said the receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."

"But I could be dead by then!"

"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment.
 
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."



Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."



Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."



Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"



Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."



Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."



Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."



Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."



Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."



Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."



Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."



Man: "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."



Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"



Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."



Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."



Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
 
. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
 
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