Jokes

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
 
Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
 
Re: Jokes part 2

abhichi said:
Tennis player


You should never marry a tennis player, because to them love means nothing.

What did one tennis ball say to the other tennis ball?
"See you round..."

Q: What did the tennis ball say when it got hit?
A: Who's making all the racquet?

Q: What do you serve but not eat?
A: A Tennis Ball.

A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks. "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"
Click to expand...


HAHA good one!!
 
Little Johnny's First Adventure"

Two babies were sat in their prams, when one baby,
Little Johnny, shouted to the other, "Are you a little
girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the baby
Little Johnny.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was
the reply.

"Well, I do," said baby Little Johnny chuckling. "I'll climb
into your pram and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's
pram, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin
on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he
said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how
can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied baby Little Johnny, "you've
got pink booties and I've got blue ones!"
 
"Bar Problems"

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather
large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back,
and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar
are c*cksuckers! "

A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks,
"Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all
you guys on this side of the bar are motherf*ckers! "

Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently
and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts
to walk towards the man. The construction worker looks
the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem,
buddy?"

"Oh no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of
the bar."
 
Cost of Eggplants"

A grocer put up a sign that read: "Eggplants, 25¢ ea. or
three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming, "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four
eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching
these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you
going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up
that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
 
A BLONDE is in the library , she bangs down a book and says :" too boring, too many characters and no story.
LIBRARIAN says : oh! U r the one who took the phone directory away??
 
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