Jokes

A

abhichi

New member
Go by sound



Back in the pavilion, the batsman was talking to a team mate. 'I can't understand it,' he said, 'The ball hit my head and the wicket-keeper caught it, but the umpire gave me out’. His friend looked sympathetic. 'Sometimes they go by sound.'

Just before the match, the secretary received a message in his office. There's an umpire down here with two friends. Wants to know if they can come in.'
'No,' replied the secretary , 'the man's obviously lying.'
'How do you make that out?'
'Whoever heard of an umpire with two friends.'

The businessman was talking to his friend on the train home after a hard day.
'What a day I've had,' he said.
'One of the office boys asked for the afternoon off to go to his grandmother's funeral. I thought I was on to him, and went along, too.'
'Good idea,' said his friend. 'How was the match?'
'That's where I lost out. It was his grandmother's funeral!'

The young man was at a dinner party with a pretty girl, but spent the entire evening talking of nothing but cricket. He described all the matches he had played in great detail, how many runs he had scored and so on. Eventually, he stopped and said, 'this must be boring for you, me talking of cricket all the time.'
'Not at all,' she said. 'Tell me, what is cricket?
 
Jokes part 2

Tennis player


You should never marry a tennis player, because to them love means nothing.

What did one tennis ball say to the other tennis ball?
"See you round..."

Q: What did the tennis ball say when it got hit?
A: Who's making all the racquet?

Q: What do you serve but not eat?
A: A Tennis Ball.

A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor's orders, so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine, " the manager says. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really? What happens then?" the secretary asks. "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding!'"
 
Jokes part 3

Skipper


Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!

What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!

Where do footballers dance?
At a football!

What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!

Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla!

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!
 
Jokes part 4

Pehchana nahin


Sehwag's wife wants him to go to the market, but Sehwag is afraid to venture out in public. He feels people will go after him for his dismal performance on the field with the willow. So he does go to the market dressed as a woman. There, a beautiful woman comes up to him and says,"Kya Sehwag, kaise ho?" surprised Sehwag asks,"How do you know? The woman says ,"Pehchana nahin? Mein Sachin!"

What is common to a 100 mtrs race and Ganguly’s innings?
Ans: They both last for the same time.

How can you say “Get Out” to Ganguly politely?
Ans: Ask him to go to bat.

If Rahul is “The Wall”, what is Ganguly?
Ans: The hole in the wall.

How can Ganguly save time everyday?
Ans: By not bothering to pad up.

Best-seller by Ganguly: Back to the Pavillion in 2 minutes.

What's Ganguly's favourite bird?
Ans: Duck.
 
Jokes part 5

How was I out?


Batsman: “How was I out?”
Umpire: “Why don’t you look in the paper tomorrow?”
Batsman: “You look, I’m the editor!”

“That was the best innings I ever played,” said the young man. “Well!” said his captain, “you mustn’t let that discourage you.”

What’s the difference between the Indian team and a tea-bag? The tea-bag stays in the cup longer!

What’s the difference between Nasser Hussain and Saddam Hussein?
Saddam Hussein has more victories.

Why was Md.Kaif not getting a chance to play for the Indian team, though brimming with talent? Because he is from Luck’no’w!
 
Jokes part 6

Way too much wrestling...


You watch way too much wrestling when.......

On your resume you write "I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be".

You call a beer by your name.

Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs and mandible claws.

You begin to shake someone's hand in public, but then hesistate to look for the crowd's response.

You tell your significant other, "Not tonight, I'm watching RAW".

Every time you sit down a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it.

You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.

On a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown".

After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.

You clothesline people in the supermarket for no real reason.

You do heel turns on your best friends for no reason.

You don't understand why there are wars when a steel-cage/grudge match would settle everything.

Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.

Instead of punishing your kids by grounding them, you threaten them with stunners, choke slams and tombstones.

When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.

You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.

Your boss fires you and you come back to work and challenge him to a no-holds barred steel-cage wrestling match.
 
Jokes part 7

Way too much wrestling...


You watch way too much wrestling when.......

On your resume you write "I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be".

You call a beer by your name.

Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs and mandible claws.

You begin to shake someone's hand in public, but then hesistate to look for the crowd's response.

You tell your significant other, "Not tonight, I'm watching RAW".

Every time you sit down a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it.

You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.

On a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown".

After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.

You clothesline people in the supermarket for no real reason.

You do heel turns on your best friends for no reason.

You don't understand why there are wars when a steel-cage/grudge match would settle everything.

Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.

Instead of punishing your kids by grounding them, you threaten them with stunners, choke slams and tombstones.

When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.

You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.

Your boss fires you and you come back to work and challenge him to a no-holds barred steel-cage wrestling match.
 
Jokes part 8

Way too much wrestling...


You watch way too much wrestling when.......

On your resume you write "I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be".

You call a beer by your name.

Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs and mandible claws.

You begin to shake someone's hand in public, but then hesistate to look for the crowd's response.

You tell your significant other, "Not tonight, I'm watching RAW".

Every time you sit down a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it.

You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.

On a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown".

After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.

You clothesline people in the supermarket for no real reason.

You do heel turns on your best friends for no reason.

You don't understand why there are wars when a steel-cage/grudge match would settle everything.

Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.

Instead of punishing your kids by grounding them, you threaten them with stunners, choke slams and tombstones.

When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.

You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.

Your boss fires you and you come back to work and challenge him to a no-holds barred steel-cage wrestling match.
 
Jokes part 9

England vs Brazil match


It's just before the England vs Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England They're shite and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself... you lads go down the pub." So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen read" Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."
They put the teletext on. "Result from the Stadium ' Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1(Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it, he has single-handedly got a draw against England!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate
Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" "No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes....!!"
 
Hi All.. Enjoy revenge of Ex-Wife..


An Ex-Wife's Revenge


She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight,

put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room

and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steamed.

Air Fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,

during which they had to move out for a few days,

and in the end even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half,

they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly,

and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad t he smell was,

he agreed on a Price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth,

but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
including the curtain rods.


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?????



Regards.


Bharati
 
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:

"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"

"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."

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What is the longest word in the English language?

"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

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There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?

2 birds. The other 3 fly away!

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An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

----------------------------------------

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"

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What's the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.

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Mark called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotman) to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house."

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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

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A man was injected with a deadly poison, but, it did not x-x-/ him. Why?

He was already dead!

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A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

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1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come from?

2nd Eskimo: Alaska

1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her myself!

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Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

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Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door

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Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares!

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An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

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Why do cows have horns? Because their horns don't work!

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There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

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What kind of ears does an engine have? Engineers

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Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

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How do you count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.

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A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

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An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act.

He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.

"What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."

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An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion (Have you no ambition)?"

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Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

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At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

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A customer ordered some coffee in a cafe. The waitress arrived with the coffee and placed it on the table. After a few moments, the customer called for the waitress "Waitress," he said, "there's dirt in my coffee!". "That's not surprising, sir, replied the waitress, "It was ground only half an hour ago."

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Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"

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An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
 
Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger that looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nike.

His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?"

I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to run faster than you".

Welcome to the corporate world!!
 
There is this classic joke on the difference of friendship between men and women.

Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
 
12 STAGES OF MODERN LOVE.........!!
JANUARY - Rose
FEBRUARY - Propose
MARCH - Gift
APRIL - Lift
MAY - Chatting
JUNE - Dating
JULY - Miss You
AUGUST - Kiss You
SEPTEMBER - Anger
OCTOBER - Danger
NOVEMBER - Left
DECEMBER – Next

U r Sweet as Chocolate,
Meetha as Gulabjamun,
Raseela as Rasgulla,
Cool as Ice Cream,
BHAGWAN BURI NAZAR SE BACHAYE,
.
.
Kahin Cheetiyan Na lag jaye..!!!

Why does a BOY carry his GIRLFRIEND'S photo with him??
B'COZ when ever he is in trouble, He can see the photo n think
if I can face this, I can face anything..!!!

Lady 2 Punjab police- ji mere pati 5 din pehle gobhi lene gaya tha,
abhi tak wapas nahi aaya.
Punjab police inspector- Te hor koi sabji bana lo..!!!

Two birds sitting on a tree.
A SHIKARI CAME & SHOT 1 OF THEM.
The other bird flew away...
why???
.
.
POLICE ke lafde mein kaun padega??

Teacher: pyar aur ishq mein kya farak hai??
Student: Sir pyar woh, jo aap apni beti se
karte hai aur ishq woh, jo main
aapki beti se karta hu...!!!
 
A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.
 
From Reuters News Service:

Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.
 
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