jokes for u

devendra

devendra

Devendra Thuthgar
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.

I said,"Thyroid problem?"

5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:"Buy one dog, get one flea..."

7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?

10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.

16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.

19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always

complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:

Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
 
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third
man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly
drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty
smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............ Everyone agreed
that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a
drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can
your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said.....

"Coffee Break.....do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet........ ...



ate the cookies..... ......... .



drank the milk........ ......



sh*t on the paper....... ......... ....



screwed the other three cats........ ......... ....



claimed he injured his back while doing so.......... ........



filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .......



put in for Workers Compensation. ......... .....and



went home for the rest of the day on sick leave....... ......!!! !!!!!!!
 
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
~~~~~~
A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
~~~~~~~
Customer :Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter :Please sit down sir, we serve everyone
 
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."
 
Software ADs on Doordarshan!

"The man , The Machine, The Software - PeopleSoft VII"

Boy - "I am a PB boy"
Girl - "I am a PB gal"
"Badte bacho ke liye complete software - Powerbuilder"

"Eat bugs, Sleep bugs.....Do only debugs"

Internet Programmer - "I got the ASP power , now u go get it!!!"

"Microsoft office - Nothing official about it !!!"

" Software ki raksha karta hein Norton Anti virus.... Software hai jaha, Norton Antivirus hein vaha..."

Project Manager - I want the code today....
Programmer - 2 minutes
"Programmer ka kaam kare asaan, Duniya bhar me hai iski shaan...VB....VB.....VB"

Progect Manager - "Power objects is the secret of my programs"
Programmers - "Our programs"

Husband - Thak gaya hoon mein
Wife gives him instant coffee and says
To create instant miracle....Use Oracle !
 
"Ben & Decker"

Decker wasn't the brightest guy in the world, and his
coworkers were continually ribbing him at the factory.
One in particular, Gus, would greet him each
morning and precipitate this exchange:

"Say, Decker, you seen Ben?"

"Ben, who?"

"Ben' down and kiss my butt!"

Tired of falling for the same joke day after day, Decker
confided in his more worldly brother, who said, "Listen.
Next time you see this guy, ask him if he's seen Eileen.
He'll ask, 'Eileen who?' and you say, 'I lean over and
you kiss my butt!'"

Memorizing his lines, Decker went to the work early
to wait for Gus. As soon as the bully arrived, Decker
ran over.

"Hey Gus, you seen Eileen?"

"No," Gus answered, "she ran off with Ben."

Decker frowned. "Ben who?"
 
"A Daughter-in- law's Revenge"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where
the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told
the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his
body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor
felt was suitable would have to come from her
buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no
one about where the skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the man's new face. He looked more
handsome than he ever had before! All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said,
"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you
did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top