Fresh jokes of Mr. Bean

milind20

Milind Gandhi
Jokes on Mr. Bean

1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!


5) Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.

6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

7)DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.

9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
 
Dr.Ramesh Richard, PhD, ThD
www.rameshrichard.com

SUCCESSFUL SUCCESS


A motorcyclist was speeding down the road on a winter day. Cold from the wind blowing through buttonholes, he stopped, took off his jacket, turned it inside out, put it on backwards, and started up the road again. Fortunately, he solved the cold and wind problem. Unfortunately, he hit a large stone and skidded into a tree, falling unconscious. Immediately, a large crowd gathered around him. When the policeman arrived, he asked, “What happened? What happened?” A helpful person remarked, “When we got here, he was awake and seemed alright, but he attempted to turn his head around, and then died.”

I want to speak on an important topic: Successful Success. There is no other topic, when trying to turn your head around, that actually ends up hurting you! You may have heard of the father who was prodding his son to do well at his studies. The son asked his dad, “Why should I study?” The father replied, “So you can go to college.” “Why should I go to college?” “Oh, so you can get a job.” “Why should I get a job?” “So you can make some money, son.” “Why do you want me to make money?” “So you can eventually retire, like me.” “Well, I could retire right now, Dad. The more I study, the more I know, the more I know, the more I forget, and eventually, the more I forget, the less I know, so why study at all when I can just retire right here and now?”

Doesn’t the kid have a point? I’m going to take this topic of successful success and frame it in the form of a question. If you gained the whole world and lost your soul, would you have been successful? Success, by itself, is a neutral word, empty of any world view. Philosophers, politicians, and marketers alike put meaning into that word for us. I once stepped into an elevator of a restaurant where a sign read, “Are you hungry for success? Eat at our restaurant.” Until you put meaning into it, it’s not important to you. When it has meaning, then it matters.

If you gained the whole world but lost your soul, have you been successful? There are two parts to that question. First, if you ask anyone on the street for the definition of success, they would use what is called the PMF Index: Power, Money, and Fame Index. Sociologists say power, money, and fame expose a strain to consistency. That is, the powerful are also rich and famous. The rich are also powerful and famous. The famous are also rich and powerful. Psychologists call it the Success Spiral Syndrome. A person attains one level of success and that prompts them to achieve the next level. This is easily seen in today’s movie stars, musicians, and politicians.

It has been said that there is about three hundred trillion dollars of economic wealth in the world. Can you imagine if one person gained the total sum of all this wealth? Let’s say one person did. This person climbed the ladder of success and, as the saying goes, eventually found it leaning against the wrong wall. They chased the pot of gold but lost the rainbow. Are they really a successful success?

I want to speak about five immediate losses that you experience when you try to gain the whole world and lose your soul. The first loss is called Sociological Loss of Community. In other words, when you’re trying to pursue success at all costs, your relationships suffer. What matters most becomes very unimportant. You try to attain a nice nest egg, beautiful home, or wonderful car but in pursuing these things your wife leaves you, your sons become drug addicts, and even worse, you don’t care.

In societies like ours, rank and role play a lot of importance. The British are known for endowing success on people who are already successful. Every year Buckingham Palace bestows a G (gong) and a K (knighthood) on whom they deem worthy. At the top, is the order of St. Michael and St. George, each having an appropriate title with acronyms. For instance, the Commander is called the CMG. The Knight Commander is called the KCMG. The Knight Grand Cross is called the GCMG. It’s such a big deal, that in contrast, British comedians make light of their own tradition by creating a parody of these definitions. They label CMG: call me God. KCMG: kindly call me God. GCMG: God calls me God.

A second immediate loss may be called the Existential Loss of Stability. Everyone needs something to hold them up, especially in their pursuit of success. Whether you take power, fame, pleasure, love, education, alcohol, government, religion, philosophy, drugs, sex, addictions, possessions, hobbies, buying stuff, selling stuff, new stuff, old stuff, corruption, bribing, technology, relationships, the stock market, gold, oil, work, business, clothes, appearance, reputation, image, influence, contacts, crime, violence, sports, marriage, children, parents, body, physique, intellect, mind—all those things will not give you stability. It will simply not hold you up.

A third immediate loss is the Philosophical Loss of Purpose. One day, I opened one of the world’s most well known newspapers and I saw a brilliant classmate of mine in the business pages. She was doing extremely well in terms of the PMF Index. She was leaving one morning, conflicted between attending her only daughter’s piano recital or getting on a private jet to France for a work assignment. As she was boarding the plane, she was looking at her jewelry, $500 wine bottles, and Armani suit, thinking only about her daughter’s piano recital. That was four years ago. She’s been searching for the meaning of her life ever since.

A fourth immediate loss is the Ethical Loss of Value (also known as Moral Loss of Principle). As you pursue success, it can become an obsession and what is most important to you becomes less of a priority. You start compromising your values. It’s happened all over the world. The history of business and politics is littered with people who compromise their values, because they want power, money, and fame. Did you know that the West African government pays policemen to catch corrupt businessmen, and the corrupt businessmen pay the police not to catch them? At the turn of the last century, about 100 years ago, an original thinker by the name of William James, who integrated physiology with philosophy and psychology, wrote to his friend, H.G. Wells (who was considered by some to be the father of modern science fiction), saying, “I condemn moral flabbiness, born of exclusive worship of the bitch goddess: success.”

Some time ago, in Asia, a young 15 year old and her chauffer were driving in her parent’s new Mercedes Benz. They were in a huge, hard collision. The car was totaled and the young girl was paralyzed from the waist down. The saddest part of the story was that neither parent wanted to take on the responsibility of caring for their paralyzed daughter. They were pursuing mind-blowing success, but they lost value.

Finally, there is a spiritual loss of priority as to what is really important in your life. Let me ask you: is the external more important than the internal? Is the physical more important than the spiritual? Is the earthly more important than the eternal? Is the circumstantial more important than the absolute? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you’ve lost priority. As you probably know, Beijing is the fastest growing economy in the world. They tell as story of a billionaire businessman who bought himself a fabulous $900,000 Bentley. As he was racing down a busy road, a bus hit him. It took off the side of his car and he yelled and screamed, “My car! My car!” As the man wept over his new car, the bus driver approached him, “Hey, settle down! Your arm has been torn away—you don’t have an arm!” The man looked down and shouted, “My Rolex! My Rolex! Where is my Rolex?”

These are five immediate losses you experience when gaining the world but losing your soul. You gain the whole world but you’ll have the immediate loss of your soul and eternal loss of your soul. The patriarch of the Rockefeller family was asked when he would “feel” rich. He replied, “When I have one more dollar.” When he died, he had everything—but he couldn’t take it with him. What does it profit a person to gain the whole world and lose his soul? You can recover from immediate losses but eternal ones are permanent.

This question is a good teaching tool. It demands a yes or no answer. It also creates reflection. It’s supposed to function in a way to create contemplation, to help you ponder and pause. If your definition of success is power, money, and fame, then your answer is yes. If success has peace on the inside—and that’s what you’re looking for—then your answer is no. You’re looking for joy in the middle of any circumstance and hope for the future. Forgiveness of everything that you’ve done wrong. That’s successful success. Life that can never be destroyed. Love that can never be shattered. Winston Churchill said, “Men stumble on truth and in a moment they dust themselves off and keep going.”

The force of this question needs consideration. Take, for example, the couple who was asked to evacuate their home in less than one hour. The wife brought out some clothes. Her husband very gently asked, “Is that what you want to take along with you? Because all your clothes are replaceable.” She ran in back in and brought out their family album and pictures. Now that is far more precious.

So, now you have to decide. What is your personal, honest response? Before you answer, let me ask you to focus on one last thing. The focus is not towards you. The focus is towards the one who asked the question. Do you know who asked that question? That question was asked by the Lord Jesus Christ.

You see there are many kinds of question askers. There are the ordinary question askers, basically looking for information and searching for answers. There are the wise among us—philosophers, religious leaders, gurus, heads of ethical systems, prophets, and teachers—who ask questions because they are trying to help you to examine yourself and point you toward an answer. Then, there are those who ask questions because they’re offering themselves as the answer to the question. So when the Lord Jesus asked the question, he was actually saying, “I would like to offer myself as the answer to that question.” Ultimately, he’s saying,” If you would like to have profit and goodness in your life, while preserving your soul, then I want you to welcome me, embrace me and follow me. I will be the one who is the secret to successful success in your life.”

In fact in this context, he was talking about how he would pay the price for whatever mess that we find ourselves in. Why we can’t find successful success without Him? Because this kind of success has peace on the inside, hope for the future—for this life and your eternal life, and joy in the middle of any circumstance that you may face. That’s successful success. Can you imagine that? Love that can never be shattered. Life that can never be destroyed. Just imagine if you had that. Winston Churchill, the great leader said, “Men stumble on truth, and in a moment, they dust themselves off and keep going.”

The Lord says he will give you advantages only God can give. When my children were younger, we used to play chess. My son would get a couple of my pawns but I would get his queen. Then he would take a couple more of my pawns but I would take his castle. He would gain more of my pawns but I gained his knight. At some degree of relish my son would say, “I’ve got six of your men and you have only three of mine.” You see, he only saw his material advantage, but I had the positional advantage.

If you have eternal life, then you have positional advantage and your earthly life begins to make sense; but if you don’t have eternal life, then you only have material advantage and you will lose whatever you’ve gained in earthly life. The Lord Jesus gives you positional advantage by receiving him. In that way, you will not lose your soul and your earthly life can be profitable and good.

Focus on the one who asked the question. Will you write to me about this intriguing subject? There’s a lot more to be said and I’d like to hear from you, so that we can begin a meaningful, spiritual conversation for the next several months. We’re waiting for your registration on our website www.RameshRichard.com! You can join thousands from around the world who have already registered. You may even qualify for special gifts that we have online, but more than that, you’ll find answers to life and how you can be a successful success!
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Dr.Ramesh Richard holds a ThD (in systematic theology) from Dallas Theological Seminary and a PhD (in philosophy) from the University of Delhi. He presently teaches in the areas of preaching, spiritual life and world-view apologetics at DTS. He has authored several books including Soul Passion, Soul Mission, Soul Vision, and Mending Your Soul.



About Dr. Ramesh Richard

A theologian, preacher, philosopher, evangelist, and author, Dr. Ramesh Richard holds a ThD (in systematic theology) from Dallas Theological Seminary and the PhD (in philosophy) from the University of Delhi.
Dr. Richard graduated magna cum laude, Dallas Theological Seminary and was awarded the Lewis Sperry Chafer Founder's Award as "Outstanding Student" by DTS faculty in 1979. He was a "First Rank" graduate with the highest scholastic record in his doctoral class.
To mention some of Dr. Richard's many ministry experiences, he is a visiting professor at Evangelical Theological Seminary in India (1984- ); adjunct professor at Tyndale Theological Seminary in Holland (1990). He is a former pastor of Delhi Bible Fellowship. At Dallas Theological Seminary Dr. Ramesh Richard is a Professor of Pastoral Ministries, World Missions and Intercultural Studies. He also teaches on occasion as lecturer in the Systematic Theology Department.
Ramesh, his wife Bonnie, and their three teenagers, Ryan, Robby, and Sitara live in the Dallas area with their dog Tugger.
Dr. Richard is also the founder and president of RREACH International. RREACH is an acronym for Ramesh Richard Evangelism and Church Helps. RREACH's mission statement reads, "A global proclamation ministry, RREACH International implements God's calling on Ramesh Richard to proclaim the message of the Lord Jesus Christ worldwide, with a strategic burden for strengthening their pastoral leaders and evangelizing their opinion leaders of weaker economies."
From his platform at RREACH, Dr. Richard travels throughout the world, speaking on the ultimate issues of life and clarifying the message of the Bible through lectures and preaching. His audiences are wide-ranging¾from non-Christian intellectuals at Harvard to poor pastors in Haiti, from gatherings of a few to a hundred thousand. In recent years he has been speaking to crowds of men in stadiums across the United States on their spiritual responsibilities. The Lord has given him the opportunity of training thousands of church leaders in over 60 countries to preach, lead, and think biblically. He also has the privilege of exposing society's "opinion leaders" to the good news of Jesus Christ.
Dr. Richard and RREACH International recently concluded a major international evangelistic outreach on primetime, secular TV around the world, exposing large numbers of opinion leaders in the weaker economies to the Gospel.



Ramesh Richard with his family members.

Plenary Speakers
David Anderson
Dr. David Anderson is the Founder and Pastor of Bridgeway Community Church, a multicultural congregation in Columbia, MD. He is the President of The Bridgeleader Network and Instructor of Cultural Diversity at the University of Phoenix, Columbia Campus. Dr. Anderson received his bachelor's and master's degrees from Moody Bible Institute and his Doctor of Philosophy in Sociology and Religion at Oxford Graduate School, and has advanced to the level of Fellow in the Oxford Society of Scholars. He has co-authored the book Letters Across the Divide: Two Friends Explore Racism, Friendship and Faith.
Russell Begaye
Rev. Russell Begaye is the Chairman of the Ethnic America Network. In 1997 to 2002, Russell served as the Manager of the MuIti-Ethnic Church Planting Unit of the North American Mission Board. Over the years, Rev. Begaye has initiated the planting of scores of multi-ethnic and Native American Churches in the U.S. He is Navajo Indian. Rev. Begaye is a graduate of UCLA and Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and he is on the Board of both Baptist World Alliance and the Zondervan Ethnic Consultation Group.

Rev. Benjamin S.L. Chan
Rev. Benjamin S. L. Chan, is the director of East Asia and India in the American Baptist churches. In 1992, he joined the ABC International Ministries based in USA. He directs relationships with 15 baptist conventions in Asia. Rev. Chan was born in Hong Kong and has a Master Divinity Degree from the Chinese University of Hong Kong and a Masters of Sacred theology from Yale Divinity School. He is a skilled communicator of Christ across cultures and peoples. Rev. Chan is a respected leader in the Chinese Christian Community.


Dr. Jesse Miranda
Dr. Jesse Miranda is President of Alianza de Ministerios Evangelios Nacionales (AMEN), a strategic association for Hispanic Protestant Leaders in North America and Mexico. He is the Director of the Center for Urban Studies and Ethnic leadership (CUSEL) at Vanguard University of Southern California. He is the Founder of the Latin American Theological Seminary. Dr. Miranda has a Doctor of Ministry from Fuller Theological Seminary. He is the author of several articles and books. His book The Christian Church in Ministry has been translated in ten languages.


Dr. Ramesh Richard
Dr. Ramesh Richard is a highly acclaimed theologian, preacher, philosopher, evangelist, and author. He is a professor at Dallas Theological Seminary. Dr. Richard is the founder of REACH International. Every year he ministers to large numbers of opinion leaders, students, and pastoral leaders across races and cultures worldwide. Dr. Richard holds a ThD from Dallas Theological Seminary and a PhD from the University of New Delhi, India. He is the author of The Population of Heaven, Mending Your Soul, and Preparing Expository Sermons.


MOHAN.C.LAZARUS

Tamilnadu...! is one of the states in the southern most part of India. Nalumavadi is a small village in midst of mango groves in Tuticorin District of this state. Here was born Mohan C. Lazarus in an orthodox Hindu family. He was brought up in the Hindu tradition and was taught the epics 'Ramayana' and 'Mahabharata' in the early ages.
Every day he used to get up early, take his bath, and then worship the Sun. This was an important duty of his daily routine. In his childhood, he used to argue with those who spoke to him about Jesus that Jesus was just a man like Gandhi or Buddha and that He was not God. He detested Jesus and His followers.
In his fourteenth year, he was afflicted with a terrible disease and his heart became swollen, he was paralyzed and bedridden. Medical treatment by various doctors did not yield any desirable result. He and his parents worshipped deities and took many vows; but those gods did not help him. On his deathbed, he was counting his days.
Then many came to him to have a last look at him. Days were passing with tears and tragedy. Then a Christian friend of the family came to see him in that state forsaken both by the doctors and his gods. He took pity on him and prayed for him with tears to Jesus. Even as he prayed the power of God descended on him. What a Miracle! Immediately he got up and set on his bed. In spite of the fact that he detested Jesus, He came seeking him and did a miracle.
On that day, he came to know that JESUS is the only true God. The love of Jesus that came seeking him in spite of his detesting Him captivated him. Not only that, he understood that Jesus was the only way; "for of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to preach the acceptable year of the lord." (Luke 4:18,19).
As the old saying in Tamil, "The Joys that I receive fill the Whole World", Brother Mohan C. Lazarus also wants the whole world to receive the divine healing and real peace which he has received, For that he is working for God tirelessly day and night.
Not only by conducting fasting prayers, Gospel meetings, Missionary Services for the salvation of the people, he also encourages others to take burden for the salvation of the Nation.
In the same spirit, this ministry is striving hard in various ways that all deliverance of Jesus Christ and experience the peace of God in their lives and that they should be transformed to be the children of the heavenly kingdom and worship God in spirit and truth. As redemption for the perishing souls is the sole aim of this ministry, The Lord is doing mighty things through this ministry.


Jerry Springer is the unflappable host of the lighthearted and tawdry daytime talk show, The Jerry Springer Show. The son of Jewish refugees, Springer was born in England in 1944, but moved to New York City when he was five years old. He was educated at Tulane University and Northwestern University's college of law before jumping into politics with the 1968 presidential campaign of Robert F. Kennedy. After Kennedy's assassination, Springer joined a law firm in Cincinnati, Ohio. In 1971 he was elected to Cincinnati's city council when he was just 27 years old. A popular, idealistic politician, his rising political career was briefly stalled when he was caught having paid a prostitute -- with a personal check. He apologized for the incident and was re-elected to the council, and in 1977 was elected mayor of Cincinnati at the age of 33. Springer then moved into television, and during the 1980s he was a commentator and anchor for WLWT-TV. The Jerry Springer Show made its debut in 1991 and was originally syndicated as a serious, issues-oriented talk show. It soon morphed into an arena for average-joe guests to air personal confessions and dirty laundry, with Springer playing the role of the calm, bemused moderator. The show became a hit and a staple of daytime and late night syndication. In recent years Springer has returned to his political roots: in 2003 he toyed with the notion of running for office again, and in 2004 he announced that he would be a delegate to the Democratic Party's national convention in Boston.

Extra credit: His wacky, carnival-like TV show spawned a musical, Jerry Springer The Opera, first staged in London in 2003; Springer himself is not affiliated with the production.
 
THE SOUL HOLE
Satisfying Your Spiritual Hunger,
Quenching Your Spiritual Thirst
Ramesh Richard, PhD, ThD


Greetings World! This message on the soul-hole is an attempt to uncover the hunger in your heart and the thirst in your soul for something that is permanent and free and lasts forever.

The Soul Hole. I'd like to call you the Soul Hole. It's perhaps the most profound phrase by which you can describe yourself. I invite you to give me a mind that's open and a heart that's ready. I would like to end your quest for spiritual food and your pursuit of spiritual drink. I want to dig deep down into your soul. Some of this digging may either be a superficial unraveling, or a deep enough digging to uncover the secrets you have kept hidden in your heart.

Have you noticed that what you see or hear is not necessarily the case? In fact, what you conclude from what you see and hear may not be the case at all. Some time ago, a German scientist dug down fifty meters to find some metal below the earth. The German Institute of Science and Technology promptly concluded that ancient Germans, 5,000 years ago, had a telephone network. The Russians were not impressed by this conclusion, so they asked their own scientists to dig down one hundred meters. They found some glass there, and the Russian Institute of Science and Technology decided that ancient Russians, 10,000 years ago, had a fiber-optic network. The Americans were not easily taken by this new finding either. They too had their scientists dig down two hundred meters and found . . . nothing. They promptly concluded that ancient Americans, 20,000 years ago, had a cellular mobile phone network!

The assumption I'm going to make is this: you'd like to dig deep down, examine your life and arrive at the appropriate conclusions, whether impressive or not. Is that a safe assumption on my part about you? If you honestly examine your life, you'll realize that there is a spiritual hunger and a thirst inside, that you'd like to see filled and quenched. The complexity of the problem points to a hole in your soul that keeps on leaking.



Secret Features

First, let me address some features of your soul hole. Are you silently, even secretly hungering and thirsting after things that cannot satisfy?

You hunger and thirst for peace-internal peace-and you cannot find it. There are too many anxieties and fears in your life: fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of defeat, fear of failure, fear of bankruptcy, fear of a downward-spiraling working situation or fear of a broken relationship. There is also; fear of tomorrow, the fear of today, even the fear of yesterday and finally the fear of judgment. You wish you could possess a peace that the world cannot give. If this is your soul secret, keep reading or register on this Web site, and I'll give you a free and permanent solution.

You may carry a thirst for meaning-the meaning of life. You are not sure what life is about. This morning did you get up, and wonder why you exist? What you are doing here? Where you are going? Where did you come from? You go through the same motions and emotions, and one day you will die. You wonder what the next life looks like. If you wish you could find the meaning of life and perhaps even the key to the next life, you have a soul hole. Please keep reading or register on the Web site and we can further discuss the free and permanent offer of a solution.

You are hungering and thirsting for love. "Unconditional love." Love that has no strings attached, similar to the love you experienced during your first romance or early years of your marriage. Remember when love made your heart skip-not skip beats but actually skip steps? You wish that original love could be awakened. This would be marvelous. Instead you've turned into a crusty, selfish, hard person. That's because you have tried to stifle your hole in the soul and have the need to pursue love again. If seeking love is a part of your soul's secret, come to our Web site, and we'll give you a free and permanent solution.

You may be hungering and thirsting for forgiveness when the guilt lingers. Things that you have done in the past, or are choosing to do in the present haunt your conscience. You have managed to keep others from finding out about your secret life, but your heart bothers you and your mind condemns you. You have succeeded in suppressing guilt well inside your soul, but you wish you could start again or feel clean again. This is due to the hole in your soul. Come to our Web site if that guilt is part of your secret, and we'll give you a free and permanent solution.

You are hungry and thirsty for hope since life seems hopeless. The lights have gone out. The questions, the demands, and the needs of life seem confusing, and the options are making you wonder if hope is true and possible at all. This is one of the main questions all human beings ask: is there hope? What can I look forward to? These types of questions reveal a secret in your system-a soul hole that needs to be fixed and filled. Come to our Web site right now, and we'll give you a free and permanent solution.

The hole in your soul is a stubborn secret which refuses to budge. The strategies you pursue are not going to really help you. Some time ago in Hong Kong, a tourist bought a hand-fan for relief from heat and humidity. She paid five U.S. dollars instead of the five Hong Kong dollars, which is about seven or eight times what local people paid. When she waved the fan in front of her face, it broke immediately. The woman immediately went back into the shop to exchange her broken fan. The shopkeeper said, "No, we cannot take goods that have already been sold." She was able to convince him to sell her a second fan for three dollars. Apparently he showed much reluctance in selling it for a much lower price. The tourist again began to wave the fan, and within minutes the second fan broke too. With anger, she marched back into the store and created an ugly tourist scene, and demanded another fan for free. The storekeeper asked, "Madam, how do you use your fan?" She demonstrated her cooling strategy. He then replied, "Ha-ha, that's not how we do it in Hong Kong. We hold the fan upright, straight in front of our face and wave our face at the fan." The soul hole shows up the stubborn secret reality of every strategy you try to fill it as deficient. You end up fooling yourself. At times, you wonder if you have been attempting the wrong strategies. As you shake your head in dismay, you realize you are sweating further as you lose more of life. Would you like your soul-hole fixed?
Strategic Failures

My wife and I were in Montego Bay, Jamaica in the Caribbean where I was offered an expensive Swiss watch look-alike for $45. Upon examining the watch, I told the vendor that I could get the same watch in Lagos, Nigeria for $8. He immediately replied, "Sir, the watch you get in Lagos, Nigeria for $8 is a fake-fake. The one I am selling is a genuine-fake because it has the words 'Swiss Made' written on it. That watch is a fake-fake; this watch is a genuine-fake." The only difference between the two kinds of "fakes" is one being more expensive than the other!

If you type the phrase "the soul hole" on the search engine of your heart, you'll find dozens of pages and hundreds of entries talking about the failed strategies you have pursued in order to fill your soul hole. Let me expand on a couple of these fake-fake and genuine-fake strategies for you and examine them very briefly.

Fake-fake Strategy One

One fake-fake strategy is the pursuit of stuff-possessions and things. Stuff to drive with, stuff to live inside, old stuff or new stuff. The only thing that bothers you is that others would like to help themselves to your stuff while you're sleeping. Unfortunately, there's no security system that'll keep you from being stuffed into a coffin or a crematorium some day. Then all of your stuff will be sold off in estate sales, garage sales and antique markets where other people can buy your stuff to add to their stuff. Wealth and possessions and things are fake-fake strategies to fill the soul hole.

Fake-fake Strategy Two

Another fake-fake strategy is pleasure. The pursuit of pleasure consumes many, many people. We find pleasure from many sources-both good and bad, , sanctioned and unsanctioned, or right and wrong sources. The right sources for pleasure could be any object in God-made creation or man-made creativity. Wrong sources for pleasure are every where to be found. Filth that comes across the pages of your mind and the computer are tempting you to engage and indulge. The problem with the pleasure philosophy is that it provides the benefits right away but extracts a cost over the long term. In fact if you pursue pleasure as the guiding principle of your life, you need to be able to distinguish between price and cost. The price of pleasure is far less than the cost of pleasure, especially if you pick it up from the wrong sources. Pleasure is a fake-fake strategy in attempting to fill the soul hole.

Some time ago, two thieves planned, connived and executed a flawless robbery. They broke into a hotel in Oslo, Norway where the fine masterpieces of Edward Munch, the Father of Expressionism, were on display. Or so they thought. Seemingly a first-class robbery, the two made off with . . . worthless photocopies. An Oslo museum which once featured Edward Munch had been victimized earlier by thieves with the originals stolen and eventually destroyed. Upon hearing of that robbery, the hotel manager had replaced all his originals with worthless photocopies! Clearly, lost photocopies are worthless when the original is preserved. Your pursuits may resemble the activities of the hotel thieves as seen in your acquisition, your grabbing, and yes, you’re stealing. You plan, connive and execute so well, but your best work evaporates into vacuous, worthless nothings.

Genuine-Fake Strategy One

What about genuine-fake strategies? They are a little bit more sophisticated, expensive and intensive. Using knowledge as your means to fill the hole in your heart is a genuine fake strategy. There are all kinds of knowledge: general knowledge, philosophical knowledge, scientific knowledge, religious knowledge, technical knowledge and mystical knowledge. If you have a problem with knowledge, I have a problem with you. Someone once said, "The only people who have a problem with knowledge are college students. If you think the problem of knowledge is too expensive for you, try the cost of ignorance." However, knowledge is not good for results. It is necessary for process, but not sufficient to fill the hole in your soul. Philosophical knowledge, for instance, will give you the ability to ask the right questions, but it will not give you the right answers. Religious knowledge is like putting water into your car when you need petrol or gasoline. Scientific knowledge is good for experiments that are repeatable in controlled environments in empirically observable situations, but your soul hole defies science. What about mystical knowledge? In essence mysticism says you cannot recommend one solution to another person because every thing is so private and ends up being of no help to the rest of us. The limitations of knowledge are that it is good for process, but not adequate for result. What you want is necessary knowledge that can be sufficiently available to all, acceptable to all, applicable to all without cost, simply given and received. Knowledge, by itself, is a genuine-fake strategy for the hole in your soul.

Genuine-Fake Strategy Two

Morality is a genuine-fake strategy. Morality could be both positive-doing good works; and negative-refraining from doing bad things. I like positive morality. We need and want good works in order to address the many needs of the world. You should pursue good works because you can help your neighbor down the road, down the street, across the world and across the seas. However, good works are not good as an approach to fill the hole in your soul. Why? We don't know how many good works are needed to fix and fill the hole in the soul. Good works cannot secure the heart hole.

An Australian professor set a single condition to pass his course: His students had to make a perfect one-hundred on the final test, to merely pass. He distributed the dreaded exam and waited for the students to finish. A clever student turned in his paper along with one hundred dollars with a scribble, "One dollar per point." The professor returned the graded test the following week with the mark of 36 and $64 change. You see, a genuine-fake strategy may earn you a 99, but it's still not 100. A fake-fake strategy may earn you 36, but both 36 and 99 are failures. The question is rather clear: Is there a solution, a genuinely true solution, that can be offered to you to simply receive? Is there an answer key I can recommend to you that is uncomplicated and true, straightforward and right? With much delight, I can and I will.
Solutions For You

You may not have heard the story of the good old barber in London. A florist came in for a haircut and when she was about to pay the barber, he said, "This week I'm doing community service. You don't have to pay." The next day there was a thank-you card with a dozen roses attached. A policeman came in for his haircut and when he was about to pay, the barber told him too, "No, you don't have to pay. This week I'm doing community service." The next day the policeman sent him a thank-you card with a dozen donuts. Next came an Indian software engineer who got his hair cut and as he was about to pay, the barber said, "No, this is my community service week. You do not have to pay." The next day the Indian software engineer sent in a thank-you card along with a dozen other Indian software engineers.

I certainly understand this engineer's thinking, because once you've received a favor, you want to point other people to this person who has done so much for you, free of cost, and at his own expense. That is exactly the kind of person I'm going to recommend to you as the solution to the hole in your soul. There is not cost to you, but is of great expense to him. I've cleared His offer with Him, and He is very, very willing to do community service for the entire world.

You can't fill the soul hole without fixing it first. You must have it repaired and mended before you fill it or it will develop a leak and everything that you put in there slowly and simply goes away. We have looked at some features of your soul hole and opened some secret boxes in your life. We alaso looked at some failures of your strategies-fake-fake and genuine-fake-and all of them failed to deliver. Let's now speak about solutions for the soul hole. Forgive the pun, but let me get to the bottom of the hole because you have holed yourself in. In fact, your hole is holding you hostage.

But I've got great news for you.

Your soul hole is really a God hole. Your soul hole is immense and God is immense. Your soul hole is infinite and God is infinite. Your soul hole is deep and God is deep. Your soul hole is personal and God is personal. Your soul hole is eternal and God is eternal. When God created humanity, He created us full and perfect, but we disqualified ourselves. We didn't meet His expectations of us. We broke His standards and our own principles. Therefore, God left a hole in our heart. The soul hole became true of every individual on the planet.

As you've read, we've tried to fill that hole with all sorts of stuff-good and bad-but all of them leak through. What we really need is someone who fits the hole in our soul, and fixes it, and then fills it. For this we have to go outside the human situation for all others in the human situation are in holey-situations! We've must go outside for help because one hole-bound person cannot help another hole-bound person. All of us are stuck in the hole. What we need is a solution from outside the human situation, but communicated inside our existence.

I do not want principles and platitudes from outside the human race, I've studied those major prescriptions for the human dilemma. One says, "You know, the reason you have a soul hole is because God wants you to have a soul hole and you are stuck with it." Another says, "The reason you have a soul hole is because of your sin and karma and you cannot be liberated from it." Yet another one says, "You have done too much bad in your life so you cannot fix the soul hole. Stay there" Still another one says "If you do enough good, you can fill the soul hole." How do we know how much good to do. Regrettably, there's the sad view that you simply have to be content and miserable in your soul hole. Your desire to solve the problem is the cause of your misery. Instead of dealing with frustration of trying to solve the problem for inside the human situation, I want an answer from the outside of the human situation to help me on this side.

That is where I have grand news for you. I want to share a claim, an astounding promise. Read this next sentence carefully.

He who comes to Me will never go hungry.

He who comes to Me will never be thirsty.

Can you imagine what is being promised? No one who comes to this person will ever go hungry! No one will ever go thirsty! Let us look at that promise briefly and unpack it phrase by phrase:

First, "He who" comes to me. Anybody can come. This message is for everybody. For somebody reading this message. For anybody who wants to come. This promise applies regardless of what your economic background in a nine class system: upper-upper, upper-middle, upper-lower, middle-upper, middle-middle, middle-lower, lower-upper, lower-middle, lower-lower. It doesn't matter what your sociological class is: high or low caste. It doesn't matter what your psychological background is: free or burdened. It does not matter what your skin color, your national heritage, your gender or your age is. You too can come because the invitation goes out to all. You are welcome. The promise begins with, "Everybody who comes. . . ; he who comes to Me."

Next, we highlight the verb in 'he who "comes" to me. What does coming mean? Coming is just that, coming or arriving as you are-in your heart and soul-openly, honestly, without reservation, without payment, without pride, without ritual, and without religion.

Then we point out the object of your coming inHe who comes to "Me." Just coming, simply as you are-but coming on the terms of the One who is making the invitation. You can't come on your own terms for that guarantees a failure whether you get a 99 or a 36. You're also coming to Him alone. Not Him plus something else, or , somebody else. This coming is focused on "Me." I'll tell you who the "me" soon.

Finally, we consider the promise itself. He who comes to me, "will never go

hungry, will never be thirsty." Can you envision what this promise is offering? Your spiritual hunger will always be fully satisfied. Your spiritual thirst will always be fully quenched. In the original language of the speaker, this promise is made in in the strongest possible terms, "never, ever will you go hungry. Never, ever will you go thirsty."

Come with me to desert Algeria, the sand-laden area of Northern Africa where a traveler got lost. Without direction and being desperate, he frantically began to search for food and water. Tired and continuing to wander in the heat of the desert, he spied a tent about five hundred meters away and barely got there in a weak, slow walk. He pulled at the skirt of the tent and whispered, "Food, water, food, water."

Out came a Bedouin shepherd with his customary headgear and head rope and sympathetically replied, , "Sir, I'm not able to give you any food or water, but I've got a necktie for you as a gift." The traveler gasped for breath and in disappointment murmured, "I am looking for food and water and you are giving me a necktie." The Bedouin shepherd humbly said, "That is all I can give you. I do not carry food and water myself, but I know where you can get food and water-about two kilometers away. You will need this necktie in order to get that food and water." The traveler raised his voice in anger and muttered, "You fool! I need food and water. I'm dying, and you're giving me a necktie." The wanderer summoned as much energy as possible and crawled the next two kilometers to this other tent where he tugged at its skirt, and whimpered, "Food and water." Another Bedouin shepherd came out. In an uncharacteristic formal dress, black suit, white crisp shirt and a black bow tie he said , "You cannot be let in unless you wear a tie." "Sir, I need food and water." The tent owner remarked,, "That's the rule, my criterion. In fact, I've placed people all around two kilometers away giving people free ties who are stranded, needing food and water. If you had received a tie, I could have let you in. These are my terms to come into my tent for food and water."

The story may seem silly, sorry, stupid and sad. But the point of the story remains: you are looking for food and water, spiritually speaking, and you have tried many things to fill the hole in your soul. I am like the first Bedouin shepherd recommending you to understand and accept the terms of the Tent Owner who has plenty of food and water so no one will ever go hungry or thirsty. I cannot prevail on Him to change the rules, but I can show you what will qualify you for the solution. In fact, the first thing which qualifies you is your own understanding of your own disqualification-you don't deserve to get in. For you see, the person who made this promise, "Come to me and believe on me," was God-Jesus Himself. He came from outside the human situation into our human situation and presented the God who does indeed fits, fixes, and fills the hole in the human heart.

Here's a list of his claims and benefits for those who come to him:

"I am the one who fits the hole in the soul, and if you're hungering for joy, I can give you my joy. I can fix the hole in your soul, and fill it, because I fit it perfectly."

If you are hungering and thirsting for peace, God--Jesus, says, "Come to Me. Believe in Me. I fit the hole in your soul. I can fix it. I can fill it with the peace that the world cannot give."

You are looking for meaning and direction in life. God-Jesus says, "I can be a shepherd directing you through the course of life. You cannot qualify yourself, but I can qualify you. I fit the hole in your soul because I died for you and I have risen from death for you. I have paid for everything that disqualifies you. I've passed the final exam for all human beings. I've received the 100 marks. I fit the hole in your soul. I can fix it and I can fill it."

You are looking for forgiveness. God-Jesus says, "I will forgive your sins. Who can forgive sins except God alone? I will forgive you." God fits the hole in your heart. He will fix it and fill it.

If you would you like to come to Him, then believe on Him, believe His words. Receive His offer of Himself as the one who fits, fixes and can fill the spiritual hunger in your heart, and the spiritual thirst in your spirit. There are no charges. Come to Him and buy food without money. Why labor for that which will not satisfy? "Come to Me. Believe on Me," says Jesus "and you will never be spiritually hungry and spiritually thirsty again. I am the God who fits the hole in your soul. I will fix it, and then I will begin the process of filling it because the hol
 
What in God's name is that?? Mr. Bean's jokes? Post in the correct section. Please take ur time to go around the forum and see how the various sections are organised.
 
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