TOP 50 one-liners on the internet!
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather..
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
5. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
6. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
7. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
8. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
9. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
11. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
12. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
15. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
16. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
17. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
18. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
19. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
20. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
21. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong
22. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
23. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything,
but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
24. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
25. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..
26. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak up and remove all doubt.
27. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
29. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
30. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
31. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
32. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
33. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
34. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
35. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
36. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
37. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
38. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
39. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
40. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
41. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
42. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
43. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
44. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
45. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says
"In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
46. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
47. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
48. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
49. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
50. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
:SugarwareZ-082:
1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather..
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
3. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
4. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
5. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
6. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
7. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
8. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
9. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
11. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
12. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
13. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
15. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
16. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
17. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
18. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
19. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.
Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
20. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
21. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong
22. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
23. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything,
but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
24. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
25. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..
26. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak up and remove all doubt.
27. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
28. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
29. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
30. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
31. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
32. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
33. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
34. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
35. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
36. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
37. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
38. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
39. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
40. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
41. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
42. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
43. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
44. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
45. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says
"In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
46. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
47. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
48. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
49. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
50. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
:SugarwareZ-082: