1. Know what you don't like about yourself, early on in your career. We often don't like in others what we don't want to see in ourselves.
a. Write down 5 traits that really bug you when see them in others.
b. Be aware that these traits are your "hot buttons".
2. Manage yourself. If you and/or the other person are getting heated up, then manage yourself to
stay calm by
a. Speaking to the person as if the other person is not heated up - this can be very
effective!
b. Avoid use of the word "you" - this avoids blaming.
c. Nod your head to assure them you heard them.
d. Maintain eye contact with them.
3. Move the discussion to a private area, if possible.
4. Give the other person time to vent.
a. Don't interrupt them or judge what they are saying.
5. Verify that you're accurately hearing each other. When they are done speaking:}
a. Ask the other person to let you rephrase (uninterrupted) what you are hearing from
them to ensure you are hearing them.
b. To understand them more, ask open-ended questions. Avoid "why" questions -
those questions often make people feel defensive.
6. Repeat the above step, this time for them to verify that they are hearing you. When you present
your position
a. Use "I", not "you".
b. Talk in terms of the present as much as possible.
c. Mention your feelings.
7. Acknowledge where you disagree and where you agree.
8. Work the issue, not the person. When they are convinced that you understand them:
a. Ask "What can we do fix the problem?" They will likely begin to complain again.
Then ask the same question. Focus on actions they can do, too.
9. If possible, identify at least one action that can be done by one or both of you.
a. Ask the other person if they will support the action.
b. If they will not, then ask for a "cooling off period".
10. Thank the person for working with you.
11. If the situation remains a conflict, then:
a. Conclude if the other person's behavior conflicts with policies and procedures in
the workplace and if so, present the issue to your supervisor.
b. Consider whether to agree to disagree.
c. Consider seeking a third party to mediate.
a. Write down 5 traits that really bug you when see them in others.
b. Be aware that these traits are your "hot buttons".
2. Manage yourself. If you and/or the other person are getting heated up, then manage yourself to
stay calm by
a. Speaking to the person as if the other person is not heated up - this can be very
effective!
b. Avoid use of the word "you" - this avoids blaming.
c. Nod your head to assure them you heard them.
d. Maintain eye contact with them.
3. Move the discussion to a private area, if possible.
4. Give the other person time to vent.
a. Don't interrupt them or judge what they are saying.
5. Verify that you're accurately hearing each other. When they are done speaking:}
a. Ask the other person to let you rephrase (uninterrupted) what you are hearing from
them to ensure you are hearing them.
b. To understand them more, ask open-ended questions. Avoid "why" questions -
those questions often make people feel defensive.
6. Repeat the above step, this time for them to verify that they are hearing you. When you present
your position
a. Use "I", not "you".
b. Talk in terms of the present as much as possible.
c. Mention your feelings.
7. Acknowledge where you disagree and where you agree.
8. Work the issue, not the person. When they are convinced that you understand them:
a. Ask "What can we do fix the problem?" They will likely begin to complain again.
Then ask the same question. Focus on actions they can do, too.
9. If possible, identify at least one action that can be done by one or both of you.
a. Ask the other person if they will support the action.
b. If they will not, then ask for a "cooling off period".
10. Thank the person for working with you.
11. If the situation remains a conflict, then:
a. Conclude if the other person's behavior conflicts with policies and procedures in
the workplace and if so, present the issue to your supervisor.
b. Consider whether to agree to disagree.
c. Consider seeking a third party to mediate.