Take some time off to laugh …

No $



Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad
 
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation
"I now pronounce you man and wife".
 
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts
her Lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there
already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it
is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy
it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I
have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit
again, you're in my closet now."
 
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one
question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the
Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that
this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people
died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered,
"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
 
Working With The FBI


The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is
hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at
Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
 
English is a Crazy Language


From: Charlie Indelicato

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,
2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
when I wind up this essay, I end it.
 
Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
_
/ \
| | O
\ _ /

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd
boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the
small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......"
 
Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates. After
knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes
there?" inquired St. Peter.

"'It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on
earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana
but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I
guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that
against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I
lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK,
here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot,
but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period
of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all
hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to
freeze over."
 
A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were
discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright,
I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over
here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and
then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows
away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off
that tower!"
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains
too!"
 
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will
be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a
season pass?"
 
Chanowski & his other Polak drinking buddy are sitting at a bar . " See
those guys over there ? " Chanowski says." I'm going over there and ask
them what they think of Polaks." Chanowki walks up to the two guys sitting
at the other end of the bar and asks them what they think of Polaks. One
of the men gives Chanowski the finger. The middle finger. Chanowski then
walks back to his drinking buddy. " Well , what do they think of Polaks?"
he asks. "We're still number one , " replies Chanowski.
 
George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal
and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a
long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone
tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked,
"Aren't you Moses?" But the man wouldn't listen to him
and continued walking. George asked him again, "Aren't
you Moses?" The old man continued ignoring him, even
turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man's
arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me
-- Aren't you Moses?" The man replies, "I'm not saying
shit! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming
the desert for 40 years!"
 
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she
replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My
Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
 
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the
longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you
off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity."

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's
schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to
show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"
 
A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's been drinking."
 
Two Tourists

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr,
Kiiiing."
 
One day a blonde went into Wal-Mart and saw something she liked.
The Blonde asked the clerk what it was. The Clerk said it was a
thermous. What does the thermous do? It keeps hot things hot
and cold things cold. So she bought one. The blonde brought it to
work one day and the blondes boss who also is a blonde said what
is that thing? It is a thermous the first blonde said. What does
it do? Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. What do you have
in it? I have coffee and a popcycle in it.
 
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