manishsinghon
Manish Singh
NOTE: these jokes are not mine. This deviation is merely a collection.
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Q: Is it true that freedom of speech is the same in USSR as in USA?
A: Yes. If you stand on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C and shout: "Down with Reagan!" you will not be punished. If you stand in Red Square in Moscow and shout: "Down with Reagan!", you will also not be punished.
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Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn't there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!"
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A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. "So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife. "Two," he responds. She slaps him hard across the face. "What was that for?"
"You have a mistress, now do you!!?"
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Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of the celebration activities, there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow. While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child replies, "Mother Russia." "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, "Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!". Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to be when you grow up?". The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!".
Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic - East Germany]." "And who is your father?", asks Honnecker. "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!", replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan."
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When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in his study and complained to President Kalinin about this. The President thought for a moment and suggested, "Why don't you put up a sign reading 'Collective Farm'? Half the mice will die of hunger and the other half will run away."
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Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon began talking. "What are you here for?" asked one inmate of another. "They put me in for beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich," snarled one man. "And why are you here?" asked the second of the first. "For having defended some old Jew named Khaimovich in a fight," he replied. "And what were you arrested for?" the third inmate was asked. "For being Khaimovich," he sighed.
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A Russian spy is caught by Nazis during WWII. They torture him all night long, but he doesn't tell them anying. They put him back in the cell and observe secretly through the peep-hole. The Russian is hitting himself on the head and saying: "Here's one for the restaurants! Here's one for the girls! I knew I should have been learning codes and secret addresses!" Finally he manages to escape. To his comrades, he says: "Guys, learn all this stuff! Or they beat the crap out of you in there!"
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An American, a French guy and a Russian are sentenced to death. Each is allowed to choose the method of execution. The Frenchman goes first, and chooses a guillotine. But the guillotine is not working, so they set him free. As he passes by the American, he whispers: "The guillotine is broken", so the American also chooses the guillotine, and is also set free. As the American passes by the Russian, he whispers: "The guillotine is broken". "Well, since the guillotine is broken, - says the Russian, - then give me the firing squad!"
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A German, a Japanese and a Russian were stranded on a tropical island. Hungry, the Japanese dude went to fish, and he caught the Golden Fish as a result.
Golden fish: For releasing me, each of you would be granted a wish.
The German wished to go home and have the best beer, and poof! He was back in Germany, drinking the best beer. The Japanese wished to go home and have the best sake in the world, and poof! He was back in Japan, savouring the best sake he has ever drank. When it was the Russian's turn, he simply said, "I'm very lonely here! All I want is a bottle of vodka and those two guys back!"
(In Soviet Russia, three people was considered the ideal number for collective drinking. A bottle of vodka cost 2 roubles and 87 kopecks, so if each person gave a rouble they could buy a bottle and 13 kopecks' worth of snacks.)
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A peasant dies and goes to Hell, but discovers when he gets there that there are actually two versions of Hell: Capitalist Hell and Communist Hell. Since he's never actually seen a capitalist system before, he decides to have a look at Capitalist Hell first. When he gets there, he finds a huge empty antechamber with a demon who looks a lot like Ronald Reagan standing at the gates.
Peasant: "So, what is Capitalist Hell like?"
Reagan: "Well, in Capitalist Hell, first we flay all the flesh off your bones with our whips, then we boil you in oil for a while, and finally we cut you to pieces with our knives and scatter you all over the room."
Peasant: "Augh! That's hideous! Forget you! I'm going to go try Communist Hell instead!"
So the peasant goes to Communist Hell. When he gets there, he finds an enormous line of people awaiting entry that's backed up all the way out of the antechamber. Being used to waiting in lines, of course, he stands in this one for as long as it takes, which is for more than a month. When he finally gets up near the gates, he sees a demon who looks a lot like Karl Marx standing at the gates and looking very exasperated at how slowly the line is moving.
Peasant: "So, what is Communist Hell like?"
Marx: "*Sigh* Do I have to explain this again? All right. In Communist Hell, first we flay all the flesh off your bones with our whips, then we boil you in oil for a while, and finally we cut you to pieces with our knives and scatter you all over the room."
Peasant: "Augh! That's just as hideous as Capitalist Hell! But... why is there this long line, comrade?"
Marx: "*Sigh* Well, sometimes we run out of knives, sometimes there's an oil shortage, and other times we don't have enough leather for the whips, and sometimes all the demons are away on a Party meeting..."
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An American and Russian had two hells to choose from after they died. The American hell had its people eat one bucket of shit every day, while the Russian hell is just the same, save for two buckets of shit. The American, seeing that there is one less bucket of shit, he chose the American hell, while the Russian, being a patriot, chose the Russian hell.
They met each other during their coffee breaks. The Russian asked how the American was faring. the American said, "It sucks! I have to eat a bucket of shit every day!"
The Russian replied, "My hell is so much better! Either the shit doesn't get carted around, or there is a shortage of buckets!"
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Satan is giving a politician a tour of Hell. They come to a huge kettle at which a lot of demons are gathered and busy thrusting away at all the people being boiled in it with their tridents.
Satan: "This is where we keep the Jews. They're a troublesome lot, these Hebrews; every time one of them tries to escape, the others all follow his lead, so they keep our guards really busy."
Next they come to another huge kettle in which just a few demons are gathered around mostly leaning on their tridents and looking bored.
Satan: "This is where we keep the Poles. They're only a little trouble, since every time one of them tries to escape, the others just ignore him. We only have to keep a few guards around to make sure none of them ever gets out."
Finally, they come to another kettle just as big as the others, but there's no one guarding it.
Satan: "This is where we keep the Russians. Whenever one of them tries to escape, the others all grab him by the heels and drag him back in!"
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Hitler and Stalin meet in hell, each standing in a pool of blood. Hitler's pool comes up to his neck, Stalin's only to his waist.
Hitler: How come? You killed many more people than I did, but there is less blood on you.
Stalin: Yes, but I am standing on Lenin's shoulders.
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A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
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During the 1930s, a Party commissioner is inspecting a typical farming village. He goes to the headman and asks how the potato harvest has gone.
Headman: Comrade, the potatoes, when piled up, reach to the feet of God!
Commissioner: Excellent! But, I hope you're aware that God doesn't actually exist.
Headman:: Indeed. Nor do the potatoes!
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At the CYKA Asylum, a speaker comes in from the Party and gives a speech to the people there about how great Communism is. At the crescendo of his speech, he notices that there is one person who is not cheering excitedly. The speaker asks him "Why are you so discontent, Comrade?" The man replies "I'm not a psychopath; I work here."
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Stalin is giving a speech in front of the Party, when in the middle of a pause someone sneezes. He asks who sneezed, but there is total silence. He continues to ask, finally threatening to have the front row shot if no one owns up. No one does, so the guards open fire on the first row. Still no one confesses, so they shoot the second row, the third row, etc. Finally the culprit can't take it anymore and yells out "I did it! I'm the one who sneezed!" Stalin responds "Bless you, comrade!"
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Q: Why do policemen travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
Suddenly, three policemen come from behind.
Policeman A: What did you say? Produce ID! (examines the documents, turns to policeman B) Write down their names!
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Tell a joke to a German, and he will not understand it.
Tell a joke to an Englishman, and he will understand it, but won't show it.
Tell a joke to a Japanese, and he will understand it his own way.
Tell a joke to a Russian, and he will tell you that he knows three more versions of that joke that are much better.
Share your views...:SugarwareZ-165:
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Q: Is it true that freedom of speech is the same in USSR as in USA?
A: Yes. If you stand on Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington D.C and shout: "Down with Reagan!" you will not be punished. If you stand in Red Square in Moscow and shout: "Down with Reagan!", you will also not be punished.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn't there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. "So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife. "Two," he responds. She slaps him hard across the face. "What was that for?"
"You have a mistress, now do you!!?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of the celebration activities, there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow. While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child replies, "Mother Russia." "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, "Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!". Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to be when you grow up?". The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!".
Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic - East Germany]." "And who is your father?", asks Honnecker. "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!", replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in his study and complained to President Kalinin about this. The President thought for a moment and suggested, "Why don't you put up a sign reading 'Collective Farm'? Half the mice will die of hunger and the other half will run away."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon began talking. "What are you here for?" asked one inmate of another. "They put me in for beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich," snarled one man. "And why are you here?" asked the second of the first. "For having defended some old Jew named Khaimovich in a fight," he replied. "And what were you arrested for?" the third inmate was asked. "For being Khaimovich," he sighed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A Russian spy is caught by Nazis during WWII. They torture him all night long, but he doesn't tell them anying. They put him back in the cell and observe secretly through the peep-hole. The Russian is hitting himself on the head and saying: "Here's one for the restaurants! Here's one for the girls! I knew I should have been learning codes and secret addresses!" Finally he manages to escape. To his comrades, he says: "Guys, learn all this stuff! Or they beat the crap out of you in there!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An American, a French guy and a Russian are sentenced to death. Each is allowed to choose the method of execution. The Frenchman goes first, and chooses a guillotine. But the guillotine is not working, so they set him free. As he passes by the American, he whispers: "The guillotine is broken", so the American also chooses the guillotine, and is also set free. As the American passes by the Russian, he whispers: "The guillotine is broken". "Well, since the guillotine is broken, - says the Russian, - then give me the firing squad!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A German, a Japanese and a Russian were stranded on a tropical island. Hungry, the Japanese dude went to fish, and he caught the Golden Fish as a result.
Golden fish: For releasing me, each of you would be granted a wish.
The German wished to go home and have the best beer, and poof! He was back in Germany, drinking the best beer. The Japanese wished to go home and have the best sake in the world, and poof! He was back in Japan, savouring the best sake he has ever drank. When it was the Russian's turn, he simply said, "I'm very lonely here! All I want is a bottle of vodka and those two guys back!"
(In Soviet Russia, three people was considered the ideal number for collective drinking. A bottle of vodka cost 2 roubles and 87 kopecks, so if each person gave a rouble they could buy a bottle and 13 kopecks' worth of snacks.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A peasant dies and goes to Hell, but discovers when he gets there that there are actually two versions of Hell: Capitalist Hell and Communist Hell. Since he's never actually seen a capitalist system before, he decides to have a look at Capitalist Hell first. When he gets there, he finds a huge empty antechamber with a demon who looks a lot like Ronald Reagan standing at the gates.
Peasant: "So, what is Capitalist Hell like?"
Reagan: "Well, in Capitalist Hell, first we flay all the flesh off your bones with our whips, then we boil you in oil for a while, and finally we cut you to pieces with our knives and scatter you all over the room."
Peasant: "Augh! That's hideous! Forget you! I'm going to go try Communist Hell instead!"
So the peasant goes to Communist Hell. When he gets there, he finds an enormous line of people awaiting entry that's backed up all the way out of the antechamber. Being used to waiting in lines, of course, he stands in this one for as long as it takes, which is for more than a month. When he finally gets up near the gates, he sees a demon who looks a lot like Karl Marx standing at the gates and looking very exasperated at how slowly the line is moving.
Peasant: "So, what is Communist Hell like?"
Marx: "*Sigh* Do I have to explain this again? All right. In Communist Hell, first we flay all the flesh off your bones with our whips, then we boil you in oil for a while, and finally we cut you to pieces with our knives and scatter you all over the room."
Peasant: "Augh! That's just as hideous as Capitalist Hell! But... why is there this long line, comrade?"
Marx: "*Sigh* Well, sometimes we run out of knives, sometimes there's an oil shortage, and other times we don't have enough leather for the whips, and sometimes all the demons are away on a Party meeting..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An American and Russian had two hells to choose from after they died. The American hell had its people eat one bucket of shit every day, while the Russian hell is just the same, save for two buckets of shit. The American, seeing that there is one less bucket of shit, he chose the American hell, while the Russian, being a patriot, chose the Russian hell.
They met each other during their coffee breaks. The Russian asked how the American was faring. the American said, "It sucks! I have to eat a bucket of shit every day!"
The Russian replied, "My hell is so much better! Either the shit doesn't get carted around, or there is a shortage of buckets!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Satan is giving a politician a tour of Hell. They come to a huge kettle at which a lot of demons are gathered and busy thrusting away at all the people being boiled in it with their tridents.
Satan: "This is where we keep the Jews. They're a troublesome lot, these Hebrews; every time one of them tries to escape, the others all follow his lead, so they keep our guards really busy."
Next they come to another huge kettle in which just a few demons are gathered around mostly leaning on their tridents and looking bored.
Satan: "This is where we keep the Poles. They're only a little trouble, since every time one of them tries to escape, the others just ignore him. We only have to keep a few guards around to make sure none of them ever gets out."
Finally, they come to another kettle just as big as the others, but there's no one guarding it.
Satan: "This is where we keep the Russians. Whenever one of them tries to escape, the others all grab him by the heels and drag him back in!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hitler and Stalin meet in hell, each standing in a pool of blood. Hitler's pool comes up to his neck, Stalin's only to his waist.
Hitler: How come? You killed many more people than I did, but there is less blood on you.
Stalin: Yes, but I am standing on Lenin's shoulders.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
During the 1930s, a Party commissioner is inspecting a typical farming village. He goes to the headman and asks how the potato harvest has gone.
Headman: Comrade, the potatoes, when piled up, reach to the feet of God!
Commissioner: Excellent! But, I hope you're aware that God doesn't actually exist.
Headman:: Indeed. Nor do the potatoes!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the CYKA Asylum, a speaker comes in from the Party and gives a speech to the people there about how great Communism is. At the crescendo of his speech, he notices that there is one person who is not cheering excitedly. The speaker asks him "Why are you so discontent, Comrade?" The man replies "I'm not a psychopath; I work here."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stalin is giving a speech in front of the Party, when in the middle of a pause someone sneezes. He asks who sneezed, but there is total silence. He continues to ask, finally threatening to have the front row shot if no one owns up. No one does, so the guards open fire on the first row. Still no one confesses, so they shoot the second row, the third row, etc. Finally the culprit can't take it anymore and yells out "I did it! I'm the one who sneezed!" Stalin responds "Bless you, comrade!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do policemen travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.
Suddenly, three policemen come from behind.
Policeman A: What did you say? Produce ID! (examines the documents, turns to policeman B) Write down their names!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tell a joke to a German, and he will not understand it.
Tell a joke to an Englishman, and he will understand it, but won't show it.
Tell a joke to a Japanese, and he will understand it his own way.
Tell a joke to a Russian, and he will tell you that he knows three more versions of that joke that are much better.
Share your views...:SugarwareZ-165: