Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
Death is hereditary.
There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right
side.
An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound
confusing.
Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
When you're right, no one remembers.
When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.
Well done is better than well said.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
I have a drinking problem - I can't afford it.
Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is away.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence
is not trying.
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
When I was born, I got a choice- A big dick or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what did I choose.
There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? .
Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
