Nice joke

M

manpar

New member
A man who was just married was flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany him the next day. When he got there he E-mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sent the E-mail he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the E-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother’s cry, the widow's 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads:

Dear love,
Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you.
 
The New Lawyer

A prominent lawyer's son dreamed of following in his father's footsteps. After graduating from college and law school with honors, he returned home to join his father's firm, intent on proving himself to be a skilled and worthy attorney.

At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, Father! The Smith case, that you always said would go on forever -- the one you have been toiling on for ten years -- in one single day, I settled that case and saved the client a fortune!"

His father frowned, and scolded his son, "I did not say that it WOULD go on forever, son. I said that it COULD go on forever! When you saw me toiling on that case for days and weeks at a time, didn't it ever occur to you that I was billing by the hour?"
 
Each day an elderly man endured the insults of a crowd of ten-year-olds as they passed his house on their way home from school. One afternoon, after listening to another round of jeers about how stupid and ugly and bald he was, the man came up with a plan. He met the children on his lawn the following Monday and announced that anyone who came back the next day and yelled rude comments about him would receive a dollar. Amazed and excited, they showed up even earlier on Tuesday, hollering epithets for all they were worth.. True to his word, the old man ambled out and paid everyone. “Do the same tomorrow,” he told them, “and you’ll get twenty-five cents for your trouble.” The kids thought that was still pretty good and turned out again on Wednesday to taunt him. At the first catcall, he walked over with a roll of quarters and again paid off his hecklers. “From now on,” he announced, “I can give you only a penny for doing this.” The kids looked at each other in disbelief. “A penny?” they repeated scornfully. “Forget it!” And they never came back again.
 
A policeman was testing 3 brothers who were training to become
detectives.


To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first brother a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"


The first brother answers, "That's
easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman
says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side
profile."



Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
5 seconds at the second brother and asks him, "This is your suspect, how
would
you recognize him?"



The second brother smiles and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy
to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds,


"What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are
showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer
you can come up with?"



Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third brother
and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?



He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The brother
looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears
contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really


doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an
interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and
I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office,


checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming
smile on his face.



"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"



"That's easy," the third brother replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he
only has one eye and one ear."
 
Telegram

It was the morning of Santa's birthday and there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" Santa asked.

"Telegram!" was the reply.

Enthusiastically, Santa opened the door and asked the messenger boy,
"Is it a singing telegram?"

"No Sir. We don't do singing telegrams," the messenger replied.

"Oh, but I've always wanted to receive a singing telegram!" Santa
said. "Couldn't you just bend the rules a little and make an old man
happy?"

"I'm sorry, sir, it wouldn't be appropriate," replied the messenger.

"Please," Santa pleaded, "After all, today is my birthday."

"OK, if you insist," the messenger said. He unfolded the telegram and
began singing, "tara-ra ra rum pum , your sister is dead..."
 
Eight-year-old Santa's father took him to the zoo one afternoon.

The boy asked his father all kinds of questions about the various
animals they visited.

They eventually came to the fenced-in preserve where they kept the
lions. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong the lions
were. Santa was hanging on every word.

"Pappa," he asked, "If a lion ever jumped over that fence and ate you up..."

"Han , Puttar ?" the father said.

Santa added, "Menu ghar layi kaunsi bus pakadni hai?"
 
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come
 
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
 
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
im003319.jpg
 
It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
g23ct.jpg
 
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
 
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
To be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot and not try understand her at all.
 
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
 
1) What is Common between : Krishna, Ram, Gandhiji & Jesus..?
Sardar ji Replied : All are Born on Government Holidays.

2) A Kid asks the Priest : Father what is your Favourite Pastime...?
The Priest pats the kids head & replys : NUN My Child NUN....!!

3) Sardar bought a new mobile. He called everyone from his Phone Book &
said "My Mobile No. has
changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"

4) Santa : I am a Proud Sardar, My son is in Medical College,
Banta : Really, what is he studing,
Santa : No is not studying, they r Studying him.

5) Santa Banta ko 3 live bomb mile, Police ko dene chale,
Santa: agar koi bomb raste mai Phat jaye to..?
Banta : Jhooth bol denge 2 hi mile the....!!!

6) Titanic was sinking. An englishman asked Santa, "How far is land"?
Santa: 2 KMs.
Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?
Santa: Downwards!

7) Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected
was
Delhi Metro station where
families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators


8) Santa: Do you know English?
Banta: Yes
Santa: Ok! Then tell what is the opposite of NAAG PANCHAMI?
Banta: So simple Yaar... NAAG DO NOT PUNCH ME.

9) Santa & banta sending sms 2 their gfs. Santa:mai tere mobile se apni gf
ko sms bheju dekhte hain kya
kahti hai? Banta: No, agar usne handwriting pehchan li to...?


10) Santa: Bhaisahab time kya hua?
Man: Sham ke 6 baje hain!
Santa: Sala, subah se pooch raha hoon, sab alag alag time bata rahe hain

11) Santa: I tried ur number so many times, it always said 'Switched Off'!"
Banta: Nooo, it's my HELLO TUNE!

12) A crow shits on a Banta. Preeto gives tissue paper to him.
! Banta: Koi phayda nahin, kauwa toh ud gaya!

13) Santa to a doc: Apne nurse bahut achchi rakhi hai, uska haath lagtey hi
mein theek ho gaya.
Doc: Jaanta hoon, thappad ki awaaz mujhe bhi sunai di thi.

14) Santa was writing the passive voice of 'I made a mistake.'
He wrote: I was made by a mistake.

15) Santa: Oh yaar main badi mushkil mein hoon. Meri biwi mujhse ek pappi
ka
Ek rupeya leti hai.
Banta: Oh yaar tu lucky hai, auron se to woh 5 rupye leti hai..

16) Santa to Banta: Main apna purse ghar bhool aaya, mainu 1000 Rs chahide
si.
Banta: Dost hi dost de kam aunda hai, le 10 Rs, riksha kar te purse le aa.

17) Banta: Wo ladki deaf lagti hai. Main kuch kehta hoon, woh kuch aur hi
bolti hai.
Santa: Kaise?
Banta: Maine kaha I Luv U, to woh boli 'Maine kal hi Naye Sandal kharide
hain'

18) Santa singh and Banta singh were always boasting of their parents
achievements to each other.
Santa singh : Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Banta singh : Yes, I have
Santa singh : Well, my father dug it.
Banta singh : Thats nothing, have you ever heard of Dead sea?
Santa singh : Yes, I have.
Banta singh : Well, my father killed it.

19) SANTA declares:

.. . . I will never marry in my life&. . .

.. . . I'll give same advice to my children also. .. . . .


20) SANTA talking on cell.

BANTA: kis se baat kar raho ho.

SANTA: biwi se.....

BANTA: itne... pyar se....?

SANTA: tumhari hai. . .


21) SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.

1.Strength:My wife,Jeeto.

2.Weakness:Banta' s wife,Preeto.

3..Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.

4.Threat:When I am on tour


22) SANTA: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.

Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml

now it's 1.5 ltr.


23) On Jeeto's bday

SANTA had no money, so he sent a cheque of 100 kisses.

When he returns home Jeeto said: Thanks I got cheque cashed from bank

manager.


24) Teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4 times

SANTA: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes lara lara


25) Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi

gya.

Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....


26) Santa went to mysore palace.

Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair

Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up when he comes.!!..


27) SANTA wanted to make a STD. call to punjab,

He wanted to save money so what did he do?

Simple, he went to punjab and made a local call.


28) Oye paaji, apni pregnant wife ko itne dard mein hospital

ki jagah pizza hut kyun leja raha hai........

SANTA: Kyun key pizza hut mein"Delivery Free" hai.


30) SANTA enters shop shouts, Where is my free gift with this oil?

Shopkeeper: Iske Saath koi gift nahin hai bhai saab.

SANTA : Oye ispe likha hai CHOLESTROL FREE.


31) One tourist from U.S.A. asked to SANTA: Any great man born in this

village?

SANTA: no sir, only small Babies!!!


32) Teacher: A for?

SANTA: Apple

Teacher: Jor se bolo?

SANTA: Jay mata di.


33) American says: "US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai.."

SANTA says: " India me to.. shaadi Fe-mail se hoti hai...!!!"


34) SANTA orders pizza.

Waiter: Sir shud i cut it into 4 pieces or into 8 pieces?

SANTA: 4 hi karde 8 khaye nahi jayenge


35) Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.

Santa: Who r u?

Girl: Seeta here.

Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya


36) Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?

Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai

jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.


37) Pathan sitting on the top of the mountain and studying.

When a person asked what he was doing?

He replied, Oye! higher studies yaar.


38) SANTA n BANTA were fighting after exam.

Sir: Y r u fighting?

SANTA: This fool left the answer sheet blank,

Sir: So what?

SANTA: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both

copied.


39) SANTA: I'm very kanjoos, I went 2 honeymoon alone & saved 1/2 money.

BANTA: You r nothing I saved all my money, my friend was going & I sent

my wife with him.
 
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