Management Rhetoric
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:
Somebody in operations claims that we have finally written our first piece of software that doesn't freeze up the computer. When we find out what the program actually does, we will be ahead of Microsoft on 2 counts!
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but that's because the boss dated the editor-in-chief.
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions (hell, we are not really sure if they would understand the question)
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We are frankly not sure if this refers to the fact that we have a lot of turnover, or to the parking lot at quitting time.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:
Overweight guys in gray suits will bore you with tales how it used to be.... between the meetings run by the outside "facilitators" (who were formerly known as consultants until their knowledge became completely outdated).
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes...provided by those facilitator types.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We have some of the most clueless executives around. Watching them attack a simple problem will have you laughing so hard that it will bring tears to your eyes.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
Knowing the right thing to say at the right time, especially when no one has a clue of what's really going on is a skill that is required more often than not.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:
We'll offer you $22k to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:
You'll be sitting in the first desk in the open area next to the elevator.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
You get to chose which 72 hours a week you work, and we will pay you for the last 40.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around. We will keep to this approach until we find out which activities actually are related to positive outcomes!
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:
Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or world history.. then we're not really sure if you are qualified to do a job a six grader can master in 20 minutes. Besides with the proper education, you will certainly be smart enough not to ask questions that your immediate boss can't answer, and his boss doesn't even understand.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect, because the overweight gentleman with the management title hasn't got a clue of what needs to be done.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what is needed, do it, and explain to them why what you have done, is really what they asked for.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:
We loooooove brown-nosers.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:
Somebody in operations claims that we have finally written our first piece of software that doesn't freeze up the computer. When we find out what the program actually does, we will be ahead of Microsoft on 2 counts!
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but that's because the boss dated the editor-in-chief.
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions (hell, we are not really sure if they would understand the question)
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We are frankly not sure if this refers to the fact that we have a lot of turnover, or to the parking lot at quitting time.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:
Overweight guys in gray suits will bore you with tales how it used to be.... between the meetings run by the outside "facilitators" (who were formerly known as consultants until their knowledge became completely outdated).
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes...provided by those facilitator types.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We have some of the most clueless executives around. Watching them attack a simple problem will have you laughing so hard that it will bring tears to your eyes.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
Knowing the right thing to say at the right time, especially when no one has a clue of what's really going on is a skill that is required more often than not.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:
We'll offer you $22k to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:
You'll be sitting in the first desk in the open area next to the elevator.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
You get to chose which 72 hours a week you work, and we will pay you for the last 40.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around. We will keep to this approach until we find out which activities actually are related to positive outcomes!
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:
Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or world history.. then we're not really sure if you are qualified to do a job a six grader can master in 20 minutes. Besides with the proper education, you will certainly be smart enough not to ask questions that your immediate boss can't answer, and his boss doesn't even understand.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect, because the overweight gentleman with the management title hasn't got a clue of what needs to be done.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what is needed, do it, and explain to them why what you have done, is really what they asked for.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:
We loooooove brown-nosers.