just some mails

Yeh tumhara SULAGTA hua JISM ...
KAPKAPATAY HONT....
LARKHARATI AAWAZ...
THARTHARATA BADAN ...
Mujhe pehle se shuq tha ke tumhain
MALARIA HAI.....


............ ......... ......... ......... ..





Yaad hai hum pehli baar kahan miley they...
Train ruki.......
Khidki khuli.......
Nazron se nazren mili........ .
Aur app ne kaha........ ..
Allah ke naam pe dede BABA:-D


............ ......... ......... ......... ..





Dia hai upper waley ne mobile
To itnee to kadar kia kero karo
Na karo call per her roz
Do char sms to kia kero


............ ......... ......... ......... ..





Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!
 
BEST INTERVIEW - Office Humor :)



JUST GO THROUGH IT , YOU WILL ENJOY




One of the best interviews!! !




Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.




Candidate: I am SAMEER GUPTA. I did my Tele Communication engineering from
BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.




Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard
Of this college before!




Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission
Into it . What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! In 12th.I
Was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to
Call him 'baap') - "I can not invest so much of money".(The baap actually said
- "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this
College. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be
Related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.







Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your
Engineering.




Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you
Know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis
Tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and
3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.




Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.




Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try
To keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches
Really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.




Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.




Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!




Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?




Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I
Would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job
For me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.




Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?




Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education
Itself was so much of pain!!




Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have
You worked?




Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current
Platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can
See I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the
Places in Mumbai)




Interviewer: And which languages have you used?




Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in
German, French, Russian and many other languages.




Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?




Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher
Version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new
Language VD!




Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?




Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the
Language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.




Interviewer: What is your general project experience?




Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times
They are in pipeline!




Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?




Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech Ltd. Since
Joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that
Bench was another software like Windows.




Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?




Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and
Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call
And use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like -
'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes',
'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer
Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!




Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?







Candidate: Not much.



1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.



2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have
Deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.



3. I believe in flexi-timings.



4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I
Would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.



5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to
Avoid breakdown due to overwork.



6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term
preferably 2-4 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and
Europe. But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in
2007, I don't mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and
don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?







Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our
organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to
INFOSYS .. :-))
 
GIRL: I have sinned. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!
 
Boy: Chalo kisi viraan jagah chalte hain!
Girl: Tum aisivaisi harkat to nahi karoge?
Boy: Bilkul nahi!
Girl: To phir rehne do... Kya fayda.
******

Ravan was sent to court & was asked to keep a hand on Geeta.
He refused saying: Sita par hath rakh kar itni musibat aayi! Ab Geeta pe haath nahin rakhunga
******





Agar aap bus pe chade...
Ya phir bus aap pe chade...
Dono marthaba ticket aapka hi kat tha hai
******

A lady to another lady: Jab tera divorce huwa tha tab to ek hi baccha tha aur AB 3 kaise? She says: Who kabhi kabhi maafi mangne AA jate the...
******

Tumhari Girl friend ka sms mila hai,
Kahti hai koi patthar se na maare mere deewana ko, twenty first century hai bomb se uda do saale ko.
******

It takes thousand workers 2 build a castle,
Million soldiers 2 protect a country,
But just One woman 2 make a Happy Home!
Let's Thank... KAAMWALI
******

Jija: Sali ji, aapke yahan ki sabse mashhoor cheez kaunsi hai?
Sali: Jija ji, Jo mashhoor thi, usey to aap Le gaye!
******

An old rich man marries a young gal.
Interviewer asks the girl: Apne inmein shaadi ke liye kya dekha?
Girl: Ek to inki income aur doosre inke din kum.
******

Boy: Tum gaana bahut achcha gaate ho.
Girl: Nahin, mein to sirf bathroom singer hoon.
Boy: To bulaao na kabhi, mehfil jamaate hain.
******

Angry boss: Tumne kabhi Ullu dekha hai?
Executive (sar jhukate huwe): Nahin sir. Boss:
Niche kya dekh rahe ho ? Meri taraf dekho.
 
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling

Too hot that morning anyway.




I went to breakfast knowing my wife

Would be pleasant and say ?Happy Birthday,?




And would probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say ?Good Morning,? Let alone any ?Happy Birthday.?




I thought, ?Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember .?

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.




When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet , said,




?Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.?

So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.




I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said,

?You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,




let's go to lunch, just you and me.? I said, ?By George,

that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go. ?




We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go;

We went out into the country to a little private place.




We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said,




?You know, it's such a beautiful day.

We don't need to go back to the office, do we??




I said, ?No, I guess not.? She said, ?Let's go to my apartment.?

After arriving at her apartment she said, ?Boss, if you don't mind ,




I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. ?

?Sure,? I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and,




In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,

Followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.


All were singing ? Happy Birthday? And there on the couch I sat... Naked.
 
A man was praying to god.


He said, "God?"


God responded, " Yes?"


And the Guy said, " Can I ask a question?"




"Go right ahead", God said.


"God, what is a million years to you?"


God said, "A million years to me is only a second."


The man wondered.


Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"


God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."


So the man said, " God can I have a penny?"


And God cheerfully said,


"Sure!....... just a second."
 
Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ahmed : I want 2 b a pilot.
James : I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Asif : I want 2 help Deepa
=====================================================================
Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!
=====================================================================
Liar:
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom
=============================================================
Delivered:

Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to
his phone and he started dancing. The report said, "DELIVERED".
=============================================================

Three Feelings:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant, Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
=============================================================
The Equation:
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!
 
Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between
"Potentially" and "reality"?"
Dad: "I will show you"
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford
for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"!
Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1
Million dollars?
Daughter:" Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!"
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with, Tom
Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million
Dollars! I would never hesitate!"
So the father turns back to his younger son saying:" You see son,
"Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "Reality"
we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay
 
MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
 
Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found that they were unable to

communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a

solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?


For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If

you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is

a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "Reach over and pull on my penis

one time. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two- hundred and fifty times."
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
 
A little girl walked into the bathroom, saw her father in the
shower, and ran to her mother screaming, "Mommy, Mommy! Daddy
has a big ugly worm hanging out of his wee-wee!"

"That isn't a worm, sweetheart," said her mother
reassuringly. "That's part of your daddy's body, and a very
important part. If your daddy didn't have one of those, you
wouldn't be here."

Pausing thoughtfully, the woman added, "And come to think of
it,...neither would I."
 
Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils.

"Johnny, what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister

is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office.

The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic.

"What is three times three?"

"Nine, Sir."

"How much is nine times six?"

"Fifty-four."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looked at Ms Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"






Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"


"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"








"Pockets!"


"OK, what does a dog do that a man steps into?"





"Pants."


"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"








"Coconut. !"

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.








"Bubblegum!"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does! sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"









"Shake hands, Ma'am."


"Now for some "Who am I" sort of questions, OK? First one. You stick your poles inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do."








Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.








But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"


"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."





"Nose."


"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver."














"Arrow."


"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?"












"Fire truck, Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university!!!!, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
 
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
~ Unknown ~

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
~ David Bissonnette ~

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
~ Robert Orben ~

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
~ Henry Youngman ~

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
~ Lily Tomlin ~

Absence -- that common cure of love.
~ Miguel De Cervantes ~

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
~ John Barrymore ~

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
~ Mistinguette ~

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
~ Robert Frost ~
 
An elderly, hard of hearing man, along with his wife, visit his Doctor to check on his prostate problem. The Doctor says "I need a urine sample,
  a stool sample, and a semen sample."
  The old man cups his ear and asks "Ehhh?"
  The Doctor repeats louder, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample."
  The old man cups his ear and again asks "Ehhh?"
  So the wife tiptoes and yells into her husband's ear "Honey, the Doctor says he needs your shorts."
 
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began
  to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
  Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his
  head.
  The farmer said, "Having some problems with them there circle flies, are ya?"
  The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are --- I never heard of circle flies. "
  So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around
   the back end of a horse."
  The trooper says, "Oh, " and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey . . . wait a minute, are you trying to
  call me a horses ass? "
  The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
  The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing, " and goes back to writing the ticket.
  Then, after a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though. "




  The cattle farmer always makes two trips to the stockyard per week, his wife never goes until today. Today he's in search for a new bull. As
  they start down the first row of bulls a sign on the first pen says "This bull mated 35 times last year."
  The wife says, "look honey that's good?" The farmer says, "that's nothin".
  The next pen's sign says "This bull mated 148 times last year." The wife says, " I know that's good! " The farmer says, "oh, 'bout average,,, I
  need the best."
  The last pen has a huge bull and the sign says "This bull mated 339 times last year" The wife says "Oh, look honey that's what I need from
  you! The farmer says, "sure baby I understand all that, but there is one thing the sign didn't say."
  She asks, "Whats that?"
  "It didn't say it was 339 times with the same COW!"




  Q: What has four legs and no ears?
  A: Mike Tyson's dog.
 
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.



The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment; chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"



The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.



The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.



The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"



The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
 
With immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more Consistent method of accounting for staff during working hours, thus Ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all.
In future, the doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked Voice recognition devices, which can only be activated to open at the Sound of a person's voice. Staff must therefore immediately provide management with two voices Prints one in a normal tone and one under stress/desperation.

The following rules shall also apply:

1) On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued with 22 Toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.
2) Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the Toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first Working day of the following month.
3) In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed Paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three Minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper Will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will Open automatically.
4) If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a Security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board.
5) Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip Credits.
6) Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo Counseling by a clinical psychologist.
7) Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any Injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting Into the dispenser, or trying to keep the toilet door from opening.
We trust that you will co-operate fully with us, and suggest that if You have any problems with this policy; you should make more use your own Toilet facilities at home where you can s(h)it to your hearts
content.
 
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