HOW TO DRIVE YOUR WIFE CRAZY
1. Start asking her questions (don't mistakenly do anything) about cooking, cleaning and laundry. Say, I think its time I learn to take care of myself. You know, just in case.
2. Volunteer to cook for her. Make sure it's really greasy. Use every pot and pan in the house and be sure you spill and/or drop some of everything everywhere.
3. While brushing your teeth, flick the toothbrush first at the sink and then at the mirror.
4. Never ask her to get you something from the kitchen when she's in the kitchen. Let her spend a good 30 minutes in there and when she reaches the sofa with a sigh of relief say, "Will you PLEASE do me a big favor and get me a beer, my back is just killing me today."
5. Be sure to load up all your pockets with tissues before you drop them in the washing basket.
6. Leave yourself a trail of clothing, towels, dishes, and everything else you put your hands on. This will ensure you never lose your way.
7. Wait until she's overwhelmed with work and lean in close and say, "Did you see how dusty the leaves on your house plants are?"
8. Put on a TV program and them pretend to keep falling asleep. Wake up each time she tries to change the channel and say, "Damn it, you know how much I looked forward to watching this. Don't be so selfish."
9. Wait until she is totally engrossed in a movie then tell her something is bugging you and you really need to talk about it. Be sure it's as stupid, boring, and long winded as you can make it.
10. Wait until she's finally lost a few pounds on that diet. Start having uncontrollable urges for her favorite sin foods. When she repeatedly declines, stick it in her face anyway and say, "Oh stop it! A little X isn't going to hurt you."
11. Continue until all weight is regained. Then ask, "Hey, you've been on that diet a long time now, how much have you lost?"
12. Keep calling her at work to find out what time she plans to get home and what she plans to make for dinner. Make sure you're just not in the mood for whatever she's making.
13. When the opportunity arises be sure to cut the grass in your brand new white trainers.
14. When you retrieve your clothes from the closet leave the hanger in place and pull on the clothing until the hanger is mangled enough to allow the article to slip off.
15. Tell her something for the first time and act shocked that she didn't know about it. Pout and exclaim, "And you have the nerve to say I never listen to YOU."
16. When you know she's grocery shopping, disappear! Come home just in time to watch her carry the last bag in. Grab the receipt and say, "I'll get the rest of it for you dear." Feign surprise when she says that's it. End with, "This is all you got for how much?"
17. When ogling a woman say, "Sure she's gorgeous, but remember she's young. I remember when you looked good too."
18. On the odd occasion you actually clean up a disgusting mess you made, use the best towels in the house.
19. As your stomach grows just wear your pants lower and flop it over the waistband. Then brag that unlike your wife, you still wear the same size you did when you got married.
20. Wait until the night before you go on vacation and say, "Hon, you know the underwear and socks you packed for me? Well, the elastic is shot and I need new ones."
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