ViJiT
Vijith Pujari
If Operating Systems Were Airlines...
DOS AIR
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the
ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the
air, hop on, etcetera.
WINDOWS AIRLINES
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very
attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. Your
jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000
feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS
The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel
the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they
reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you
please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers
milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologizing profusely
to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the
sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell
each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and
how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will
have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight
systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the
chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms
and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of OS/400
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest
planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them
look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend
to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid
questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which
requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer
club.
MVS AIRLINES
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of
technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft.
This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers.
All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of
200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit.
He guns the engines, only to realize that the plane is too big to get
through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to
the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what
kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together.
Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all
the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations.
All passengers believe they got there.
UNISYS WORLD AIRWAYS
The airplanes are very elegant and efficient, but are made of
an extremely exotic material called ALGOL. This means that the
planes nearly fly themselves, but maintenance technicians are
hard to find, expensive to train, and eclectic.
Ticket agents have been heard saying "We don't go there. We'd
have to recompile the entire airplane to go there."
CTOS Airline: You get on a first-class supersonic transport complete
with telephones and wet bar, get served a three course meal by a
stewardess who speaks your language, then watch a movie in comfort
as the turbulence-proof craft glides smoothly along. Upon reaching
your destination, the pilot is informed that the parent company
refuses to let him land. Everyone safely parachutes to the ground,
however, with the under-seat parachutes thoughtfully provided by the
designers of the aircraft. Your luggage is then threaded through some
unknown network to arrive at your feet.
WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR
CAR
MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your
keys.
Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly,
because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the
car drives you to church.
UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching
speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.
Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go
to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your
dashboard.
Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who
tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in
his Learjet.
OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the
car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in
town.
S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to the
store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the
way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.
OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to
the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.
A Series MCP/AS: You get in your externally non-descript car, notice
that internally it looks like the world's most personalized Rolls Royce, and
ask it to take you to the store. The chauffeur (looking remarkably like a
computer salesman) declines on the basis that your car is a well kept secret
and no one out there would appreciate it anyway.
CTOS: You get in your car, where you request it to take you to the store.
Your route takes you to the exchange where your long distance carrier
re-directs you to an out of state mall.
DOS AIR
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the
ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the
air, hop on, etcetera.
WINDOWS AIRLINES
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very
attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. Your
jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000
feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS
The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel
the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they
reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you
please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers
milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologizing profusely
to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the
sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell
each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and
how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will
have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight
systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the
chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms
and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of OS/400
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest
planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them
look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend
to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid
questions cost $230 per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which
requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer
club.
MVS AIRLINES
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of
technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft.
This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers.
All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of
200 technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit.
He guns the engines, only to realize that the plane is too big to get
through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to
the airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what
kind of plane they want to build and how to put it together.
Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all
the same name. Some passengers actually reach their destinations.
All passengers believe they got there.
UNISYS WORLD AIRWAYS
The airplanes are very elegant and efficient, but are made of
an extremely exotic material called ALGOL. This means that the
planes nearly fly themselves, but maintenance technicians are
hard to find, expensive to train, and eclectic.
Ticket agents have been heard saying "We don't go there. We'd
have to recompile the entire airplane to go there."
CTOS Airline: You get on a first-class supersonic transport complete
with telephones and wet bar, get served a three course meal by a
stewardess who speaks your language, then watch a movie in comfort
as the turbulence-proof craft glides smoothly along. Upon reaching
your destination, the pilot is informed that the parent company
refuses to let him land. Everyone safely parachutes to the ground,
however, with the under-seat parachutes thoughtfully provided by the
designers of the aircraft. Your luggage is then threaded through some
unknown network to arrive at your feet.
WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR
CAR
MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your
keys.
Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly,
because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the
car drives you to church.
UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching
speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.
Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go
to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your
dashboard.
Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who
tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in
his Learjet.
OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the
car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in
town.
S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to the
store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the
way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.
OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to
the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.
A Series MCP/AS: You get in your externally non-descript car, notice
that internally it looks like the world's most personalized Rolls Royce, and
ask it to take you to the store. The chauffeur (looking remarkably like a
computer salesman) declines on the basis that your car is a well kept secret
and no one out there would appreciate it anyway.
CTOS: You get in your car, where you request it to take you to the store.
Your route takes you to the exchange where your long distance carrier
re-directs you to an out of state mall.