happy

Fake two dollar bill
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me.

ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

IT: "Is that it?"

ME: "Yep."

IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"

ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and says

IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

MG: "No. A what?"

IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."

IT: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

IT: "I don't know."

ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"

IT: "Yeah."

ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"

IT: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and . . .

IT: "He says I have to take it."

MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."

MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."

IT: "What should I do?"

MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."

IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."

MG: "Just tell him."

IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night."

[it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor

mall with 100 other stores.]

ME: "Well, here's a two."

MG: "We don't take *those* either."

ME: "Why the hell not?"

MG: "I think you *know* why."

ME: "No really, tell me, why?"

MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."

ME: "Excuse me?"

MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."

ME: "What the hell for?"

MG: "Please, sir."

ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

MG: "Would you please just leave?"

ME: "No."

MG: "Fine, have it your way then."

ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."

SG: "Really? What?"

MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."

SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]

MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has

is a fifty."

SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"

MG: "NO, the $2 is."

SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"

MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

SG: "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says . . .

SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

ME: "Uh, no."

SG: "Lemme see 'em."

ME: "Why?"

SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said

ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says:

SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

MG: "It's fake."

SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."

MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."

SG: "Yeah?"

MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. It makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.
 
Paying in advance
A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."
 
Bad Japanese economy
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
 
Travel in a sailboat
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.

The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"

"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."
 
Wealthy investors
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
 
Bank customer service
"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
 
A walking economy
This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend asks, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
 
I'm at the wrong bank
Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Doing Business With The Wrong Bank

10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other.

9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast.

8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon.

7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English.

6. You notice Kato Kaelin is sleeping in the vault.

5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil.

4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants.

3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos.

2. Toll-free customer service line is: 1-800-GET-HOSED.

1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez
 
Newest ATM machines
"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno
 
Newest ATM machines
"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno
 
Daughter in college
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"
 
Investment counselor
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor.

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
 
Buy machine factory
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

"Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them."

"Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?"

"Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
 
Trouble sleeping
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
 
Low self-esteem
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
 
Loud, mad, or sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
 
often feel guilty
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
 
Better relationship
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
 
Emotional extremes
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
 
Doctors meeting
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
 
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