gud joke

TEACHER: Why are you late?
SANTA: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
SANTA: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
 
The scene in the film was tense and the audience sat enthralled. Suddenly, the hero slapped the heroine on the face. In the silence that followed, a young voice piped up: 'Why doesn’t she hit back like you do, mummy?'
 
These are funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country.


1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.

4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.

5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.
 
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a baseball.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,'How much?'

Boy - '$750'

Man - 'Fine.'

A few days later, the father says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, 'I can't ., I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy -'$1,000'

The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again'.
 
The manager was very angry with this beginner who wanted a very high
salary. He asked him why he wanted so much money whereas he had no
experience. The beginner replied "Work is very difficult when you are
a beginner. It becomes easier as you get experience."
 
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

"And did he?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
 
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more
specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,
"Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
"Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even
THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his
diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
 
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
 
Mad Cows
Two cows are chatting in a field. One says to the other, "Are you worried by this mad cow disease?"

The second cow says, "It doesn't affect me - I'm a rabbit!"
 
Blonde's Headset
A hairdresser was trying to cut a blonde's hair but, because she refused to take off the headset of her iPod, he found his task very difficult. Finally, exasperated, he pulled off the handset and she collapsed on the floor.

An ambulance rushed her to hospital but too late, she was dead. The hairdresser felt very bad about this but wondered what she was listening to.

He put on the headset and heard the words, "Breathe in....breathe out....breathe in....!"
 
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
"Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER
 
Hitler asked for a stenographer but was given a loptop.Don't you
know,he screamed, I am a
dictator.

Interviewer: Why are you changing your current job?
Applicant:Because the company shifted,and they did'not tell me where?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Courage is the price that life enacts for granting peace.

Ram: My wifeWent out to buy Ladies finger last week,but not returned.
Bheem: Then why don't you cook something else?

Even ifyou are on the right track,you will get runover if you
just sit there.

Ram: Where did you get those big eyes ?
Bheem:They came with the face.
 
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