gud joke

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dilipsakwadia_BE

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There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the +after-life+ with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died...

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait, just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there in the casket with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him !!! ?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
 
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems...
 
Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet...
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush....
 
Name : Kelly Brook
Birth Name : Kelly Parsons
Profession : model, actress, TV presenter
Place of Birth : Rochester, Kent, England
 
A newcomer in town goes to a bar, the bar manager notices he is new and says,"Sir, you're new, and when you're new, you have to drink a whole barrel of beer, then fix the crocodile's sore tooth, then, you give that nice lady right there a hug, or you can't come to this bar again!"

The newcomers says,"That's ridiculous!" And leaves the bar.



A couple minutes later, he comes back, he drinks the barrel of beer, then he goes into the backyard.

After a couple screams of bloody murder, screeches, crys of pain, the newcomer returns all bloody and bruised.

Then, he goes up to the manager and says,"Okay, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
 
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.


Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you eac h a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. :)


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.....

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The Indians and Pakistanis at the height of the arms race realized
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the
best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be
entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down
its arms.
The Pakistanis found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches
in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids
and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog
the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five
inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Indians showed up with a
strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for the Indians because they knew there was no way that this dog
could possibly last ten seconds with the Pakistani dog. When the cages
were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled
over towards the Pakistani dog. The Pakistani dog snarled and leaped out
of it's cage and charged the Indian dachshund. But, when it got
close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's
mouth and consumed the Pakistani dog in one bite. There was nothing left
at all of the Pakistani dog.
The Pakistanis came up to the Indians shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had
our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves."
"That's nothing", an Indian replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
 
Universal law:
"Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transferred from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money."

First Law:
"A Boy in love with A Girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent (brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy."
Second Law:
" The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance."
Third Law:
"The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals."
 
Little Lalloo was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. 'Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?' he asked his mother. 'He thinks a lot,' replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until little Lalloo thought for a second and asked, 'So why do you have so much hair?'
 
Two guys robbed a rob a bank and mess it up, managing to escape with two sacks that they find on the floor. And they take one sack each. After awhile they meet again and one asks the other, 'What did you find in your sack?' 'Ten lakh Rupees!' 'Wow.... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?' 'I bought a house. How about your sack?' 'Bah... it was full of bills.' 'And what did you do with them?' 'Eh, well... little by little, I'm paying them off...'
 
RAILWAY STATION
Three professors had walked down to the train station from the University. They were so absorbed in their conversation that they didn't hear the train arrive, but they did notice the noise of the train as it started to depart. After a desperate rush two of them manage to scramble onboard. The third looked sad and a passing railway official said, 'Don't feel bad, atleast two out of three of you made it.' 'True…', sighed the professor, 'But the other two were only here to see me off!'
 
WHAT A DREAM
Wife: I dreamed you gave me $100 for summer clothes last night. You wouldn’t spoil that dream, would you, Dear?
Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $100.
 
MARRYING DAUGHTER

Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
 
MUNDAN

This leave letter is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."
 
LEAVE APPLICATION


Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows: 'Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.'
 
PIANO

Sardarji zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar chalta tha, woh kya soch raha hoga....think............."SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI"
 
COINCIDENCE

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" STUDENT: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
 
STRANGE SOCKS

TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots! BALGOBIN: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
 
GEORGE WASHINGTON

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
SANTA: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
 
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