A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
________________________________________
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
________________________________________
A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.
He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."
________________________________________
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
________________________________________
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
________________________________________
In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.
Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!
________________________________________
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?'
The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?'
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, 'My wife's first husband.'
________________________________________
I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down.
Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom. Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat.
'My wife's been annoying me for 50 years,' he said with a chortle. 'There's no sense in separating us now.'
________________________________________
Bill and Hillary had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one.
No matter what Bill tried to say or do, Hillary refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated.
After a while, Bill said 'When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey.'
Hillary replied, 'I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding.'
________________________________________
An old man asks a Wizard if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard replies, 'Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man answers without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
________________________________________
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. 'C'mon, tell me,' she asked for the thousandth time, 'how many women have you slept with?'
'Baby, ' he protested, 'if I told you, you'd throw a fit.'
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
'Okay,' he said, 'One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.....'
________________________________________
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife 'dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 50 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take all that away. But...I must know, did he have a different father?'
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. 'yes. Yes he did.'
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks 'who?...who was he? Who was the father?'
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then finally, she says 'you'.
________________________________________
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, 'As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him.'
The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, 'No deposit, no return.'
________________________________________
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, 'Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?'
'Well,' she replied, 'since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions.'
'What? How could you?'
'Let me tell you about it,' she said. 'The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free.'
'Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?'
'Do you remember that VP of Sales promotion you desperately wanted, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and he gave you the job.'
'Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?'
'Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become president of the Golf Club, and you were missing 53 votes...'
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."
"Yes, this is June."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course I will! Who's this?"
________________________________________
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
________________________________________
A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.
He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."
________________________________________
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
________________________________________
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
________________________________________
In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.
Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!
________________________________________
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?'
The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?'
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, 'My wife's first husband.'
________________________________________
I watched a man rush onto our plane at the last minute before takeoff. He spotted one of the few empty seats on board and silently sat down.
Later that night, though, he seemed bothered as the woman next to him fidgeted and got up frequently to use the bathroom. Still, the man never uttered a word. Feeling sorry for him, I quietly asked if he would like to move to another seat.
'My wife's been annoying me for 50 years,' he said with a chortle. 'There's no sense in separating us now.'
________________________________________
Bill and Hillary had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and were having their first fight, and it was a big one.
No matter what Bill tried to say or do, Hillary refused to compromise, or even listen. He started growing exasperated.
After a while, Bill said 'When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey.'
Hillary replied, 'I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding.'
________________________________________
An old man asks a Wizard if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard replies, 'Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man answers without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
________________________________________
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. 'C'mon, tell me,' she asked for the thousandth time, 'how many women have you slept with?'
'Baby, ' he protested, 'if I told you, you'd throw a fit.'
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
'Okay,' he said, 'One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.....'
________________________________________
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife 'dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 50 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take all that away. But...I must know, did he have a different father?'
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. 'yes. Yes he did.'
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks 'who?...who was he? Who was the father?'
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then finally, she says 'you'.
________________________________________
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, 'As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him.'
The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, 'No deposit, no return.'
________________________________________
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, 'Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?'
'Well,' she replied, 'since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions.'
'What? How could you?'
'Let me tell you about it,' she said. 'The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free.'
'Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?'
'Do you remember that VP of Sales promotion you desperately wanted, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and he gave you the job.'
'Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?'
'Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become president of the Golf Club, and you were missing 53 votes...'
congo