Five Habits of Highly Effective Conflict Resolvers
By Dian Beach Lynch, Esq
Summary: Learn and apply these five highly effective
habits of really excellent conflict resolvers,
following along the Steven Covey theme about highly
effective people. Particularly relevant to managers,
supervisors and workplace conflict.
Steven Covey had the right idea. There are discreet
skills and attitudes, habits if you will, that can
elevate your conflict practice to a new level. This
article shares a selection of habits and attitudes
that can transform a good conflict resolver into a
highly effective one. By that I mean someone who
facilitates productive, meaningful discussion between
others that results in deeper self-awareness, mutual
understanding and workable solutions.
I have used the term ‘conflict resolver’ intentionally
to reinforce the idea that human resource
professionals and managers are instrumental in ending
disputes, regardless of whether they are also
mediators. These conflict management techniques are
life skills that are useful in whatever setting you
find yourself. With these skills, you can create
environments that are respectful, collaborative and
conducive to problem-solving. And, you’ll teach your
employees to be proactive, by modeling successful
conflict management behaviors.
1. UNDERSTAND THE EMPLOYEE’S NEEDS
Since you’re the ‘go to person’ in your organization,
it’s natural for you to jump right in to handle
conflict. When an employee visits you to discuss a
personality conflict, you assess a situation,
determine the next steps and proceed until the problem
is solved. But is that helpful?
When you take charge, the employee is relieved of his
or her responsibility to find a solution. That leaves
you to do the work around finding alternatives. And
while you want to do what’s best for this person (and
the organization) , it’s important to ask what the
employee wants first-- whether it’s to vent,
brainstorm solutions or get some coaching. Understand
what the person entering your door wants by asking
questions:
• How can I be most helpful to you?
• What are you hoping I will do?
• What do you see my role as in this matter?
2. ENGAGE IN COLLABORATIVE LISTENING
By now everyone has taken at least one active
listening course so I won’t address the basic skills.
Collaborative Listening takes those attending and
discerning skills one step further. It recognizes that
in listening each person has a job that supports the
work of the other. The speaker’s job is to clearly
express his or her thoughts, feelings and goals. The
listener’s job is facilitating clarity; understanding
and make the employee feel heard.
So what’s the difference?
The distinction is acknowledgement. Your role is to
help the employee gain a deeper understanding of her
own interests and needs; to define concepts and words
in a way that expresses her values (i.e. respect means
something different to each one of us); and to make
her feel acknowledged— someone sees things from her
point of view.
Making an acknowledgement is tricky in corporate
settings. Understandably, you want to help the
employee but are mindful of the issues of corporate
liability. You can acknowledge the employee even while
safeguarding your company.
Simply put, acknowledgement does not mean agreement.
It means letting the employee know that you can see
how he got to his truth. It doesn’t mean taking sides
with the employee or abandoning your corporate
responsibilities. Acknowledgement can be the bridge
across misperceptions.
Engage in Collaborative Listening by:
• Help the employee to explore and be clear about
his interests and goals
• Acknowledge her perspective
• I can see how you might see it that way.
• That must be difficult for you.
• I understand that you feel _______ about this.
• Ask questions that probe for deeper understanding
on both your parts:
• When you said x, what did you mean by that?
• If y happens, what’s significant about that for you?
• What am I missing in understanding this from
your perspective?
3. BE A GOOD TRANSMITTER
Messages transmitted from one person to the next are
very powerful. Sometimes people have to hear it ‘from
the horse’s mouth’. Other times, you’ll have to be the
transmitter of good thoughts and feelings. Pick up
those ‘gems’, those positive messages that flow when
employees feel safe and heard in mediation, and
present them to the other employee. Your progress will
improve.
We’re all human. You know how easy it is to hold a
grudge, or assign blame. Sharing gems appropriately
can help each employee begin to shift their
perceptions of the situation, and more importantly, of
each other.
To deliver polished gems, try to:
• Act soon after hearing the gem
• Paraphrase accurately so the words aren’t distorted
• Ask the listener if this is new information and
if changes her stance
• Avoid expecting the employees to visibly
demonstrate a ‘shift in stance’
it happens internally and on their timetable,
not ours)
4. RECOGNIZE POWER
Power is a dominant factor in mediation that raises
many questions: What is it? Who has it? How to do you
balance power? Assumptions about who is the ‘powerful
one’ are easy to make and sometimes wrong. Skillful
conflict resolvers recognize power dynamics in
conflicts and are mindful about how to authentically
manage them.
You can recognize power by being aware that:
• Power is fluid and exchangeable
• Employees possess power over the content and
their process (think of employees concerns as
the water flowing into and being held by
the container)
• Resolvers possess power over the mediation
process (their knowledge, wisdom, experience,
and commitment form the container)
• Your roles as an HR professional and resolver
will have a significant impact on power dynamics
5. BE OPTIMISTIC & RESILIENT
Agreeing to participate in mediation is an act of
courage and hope. By participating, employees are
conveying their belief in value of the relationship.
They are also expressing their trust in you to be
responsive to and supportive of our efforts. Employees
may first communicate their anger, frustration,
suffering, righteousness, regret, not their best
hopes.
You can inspire them to continue by being optimistic:
• Be positive about your experiences with mediation
• Hold their best wishes and hopes for the future
• Encourage them to work towards their hopes
• Be Resilient. Remember the last time you were
stuck in a conflict? You probably replayed
the conversation in your mind over and
over, thinking about different endings and
scolding yourself. Employees get stuck, too.
In fact, employees can become so worn down and
apathetic about their conflict, especially a
long-standing dispute; they’d do anything to end it.
Yes, even agree with each other prematurely. Don’t let
them settle. Mediation is about each employee getting
their interest met.
Be resilient:
• Be prepared to move yourself and the
employees though productive and less
productive cycles of the mediation
• Help the employees see their movement and progress
• Be mindful and appreciative of the hard work you
all are doing
Hopefully, you’ve discovered that these are your own
habits in one form or another and that your
organization is benefiting from your knowledge.
By Dian Beach Lynch, Esq
Summary: Learn and apply these five highly effective
habits of really excellent conflict resolvers,
following along the Steven Covey theme about highly
effective people. Particularly relevant to managers,
supervisors and workplace conflict.
Steven Covey had the right idea. There are discreet
skills and attitudes, habits if you will, that can
elevate your conflict practice to a new level. This
article shares a selection of habits and attitudes
that can transform a good conflict resolver into a
highly effective one. By that I mean someone who
facilitates productive, meaningful discussion between
others that results in deeper self-awareness, mutual
understanding and workable solutions.
I have used the term ‘conflict resolver’ intentionally
to reinforce the idea that human resource
professionals and managers are instrumental in ending
disputes, regardless of whether they are also
mediators. These conflict management techniques are
life skills that are useful in whatever setting you
find yourself. With these skills, you can create
environments that are respectful, collaborative and
conducive to problem-solving. And, you’ll teach your
employees to be proactive, by modeling successful
conflict management behaviors.
1. UNDERSTAND THE EMPLOYEE’S NEEDS
Since you’re the ‘go to person’ in your organization,
it’s natural for you to jump right in to handle
conflict. When an employee visits you to discuss a
personality conflict, you assess a situation,
determine the next steps and proceed until the problem
is solved. But is that helpful?
When you take charge, the employee is relieved of his
or her responsibility to find a solution. That leaves
you to do the work around finding alternatives. And
while you want to do what’s best for this person (and
the organization) , it’s important to ask what the
employee wants first-- whether it’s to vent,
brainstorm solutions or get some coaching. Understand
what the person entering your door wants by asking
questions:
• How can I be most helpful to you?
• What are you hoping I will do?
• What do you see my role as in this matter?
2. ENGAGE IN COLLABORATIVE LISTENING
By now everyone has taken at least one active
listening course so I won’t address the basic skills.
Collaborative Listening takes those attending and
discerning skills one step further. It recognizes that
in listening each person has a job that supports the
work of the other. The speaker’s job is to clearly
express his or her thoughts, feelings and goals. The
listener’s job is facilitating clarity; understanding
and make the employee feel heard.
So what’s the difference?
The distinction is acknowledgement. Your role is to
help the employee gain a deeper understanding of her
own interests and needs; to define concepts and words
in a way that expresses her values (i.e. respect means
something different to each one of us); and to make
her feel acknowledged— someone sees things from her
point of view.
Making an acknowledgement is tricky in corporate
settings. Understandably, you want to help the
employee but are mindful of the issues of corporate
liability. You can acknowledge the employee even while
safeguarding your company.
Simply put, acknowledgement does not mean agreement.
It means letting the employee know that you can see
how he got to his truth. It doesn’t mean taking sides
with the employee or abandoning your corporate
responsibilities. Acknowledgement can be the bridge
across misperceptions.
Engage in Collaborative Listening by:
• Help the employee to explore and be clear about
his interests and goals
• Acknowledge her perspective
• I can see how you might see it that way.
• That must be difficult for you.
• I understand that you feel _______ about this.
• Ask questions that probe for deeper understanding
on both your parts:
• When you said x, what did you mean by that?
• If y happens, what’s significant about that for you?
• What am I missing in understanding this from
your perspective?
3. BE A GOOD TRANSMITTER
Messages transmitted from one person to the next are
very powerful. Sometimes people have to hear it ‘from
the horse’s mouth’. Other times, you’ll have to be the
transmitter of good thoughts and feelings. Pick up
those ‘gems’, those positive messages that flow when
employees feel safe and heard in mediation, and
present them to the other employee. Your progress will
improve.
We’re all human. You know how easy it is to hold a
grudge, or assign blame. Sharing gems appropriately
can help each employee begin to shift their
perceptions of the situation, and more importantly, of
each other.
To deliver polished gems, try to:
• Act soon after hearing the gem
• Paraphrase accurately so the words aren’t distorted
• Ask the listener if this is new information and
if changes her stance
• Avoid expecting the employees to visibly
demonstrate a ‘shift in stance’
it happens internally and on their timetable,
not ours)
4. RECOGNIZE POWER
Power is a dominant factor in mediation that raises
many questions: What is it? Who has it? How to do you
balance power? Assumptions about who is the ‘powerful
one’ are easy to make and sometimes wrong. Skillful
conflict resolvers recognize power dynamics in
conflicts and are mindful about how to authentically
manage them.
You can recognize power by being aware that:
• Power is fluid and exchangeable
• Employees possess power over the content and
their process (think of employees concerns as
the water flowing into and being held by
the container)
• Resolvers possess power over the mediation
process (their knowledge, wisdom, experience,
and commitment form the container)
• Your roles as an HR professional and resolver
will have a significant impact on power dynamics
5. BE OPTIMISTIC & RESILIENT
Agreeing to participate in mediation is an act of
courage and hope. By participating, employees are
conveying their belief in value of the relationship.
They are also expressing their trust in you to be
responsive to and supportive of our efforts. Employees
may first communicate their anger, frustration,
suffering, righteousness, regret, not their best
hopes.
You can inspire them to continue by being optimistic:
• Be positive about your experiences with mediation
• Hold their best wishes and hopes for the future
• Encourage them to work towards their hopes
• Be Resilient. Remember the last time you were
stuck in a conflict? You probably replayed
the conversation in your mind over and
over, thinking about different endings and
scolding yourself. Employees get stuck, too.
In fact, employees can become so worn down and
apathetic about their conflict, especially a
long-standing dispute; they’d do anything to end it.
Yes, even agree with each other prematurely. Don’t let
them settle. Mediation is about each employee getting
their interest met.
Be resilient:
• Be prepared to move yourself and the
employees though productive and less
productive cycles of the mediation
• Help the employees see their movement and progress
• Be mindful and appreciative of the hard work you
all are doing
Hopefully, you’ve discovered that these are your own
habits in one form or another and that your
organization is benefiting from your knowledge.