Business one liners

Business one-liners 62
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

If anything can go wrong, it will.

If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.

If at first you don't succeed, cheat!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 
Business one-liners 63
If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a stupid fool.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport.

If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.

If at first you don't succeed, try something else.

If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.

If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.

If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.

If at first you don't succeed, your successor will
 
Business one-liners 64
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.

If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is going on.

If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.

If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.

If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?

If I your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
 
Business one-liners 65
If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.

If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.

If it doesn't work, expand it.

If it happens, it must be possible.

If it is good, they will stop making it.

If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.

If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.

If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
 
Business one-liners 66
If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.

If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

If it works, don't fix it!

If idiots could fly, this world would be an airport.

If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.

If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.

If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.

If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
 
Business one-liners 67
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.

If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.

If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.

If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent.

If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

If the probability of success is not almost one, it is very near zero.
 
Business one-liners 68
If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event will take place, preferably during a demonstration.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

If there isn't a law, there will be.

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10 it will.

If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.

If things were left to chance, they would be better.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!

If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people who have not yet made it to the moon.

If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.
 
Business one-liners 69
If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.

If you are coasting, you're going downhill.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.

If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman

If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with lies.
 
Business one-liners 70
If you cannot fix it, feature it.

If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!

If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.

If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.

If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.

If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.

If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.
 
Business one-liners 71
If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.

If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

If you do not make dust, you eat dust.

If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.

If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.

If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.

If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
 
Business one-liners 72
If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.

If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a prophet.

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.

If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
 
Business one-liners 73
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.

If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.

If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.

If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.

If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.

If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

If you understand it, it is obsolete.

If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others.

It works better if you plug it in.
 
Business one-liners 74
If you want to get along, go along.

If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.

If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.

Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed.

Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the scum bags grind you down"

In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.

In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.

In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.
 
Business one-liners 75
In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.

In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.

In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: magic and lies.

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

Incompetence is a double-edged banana.

Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got. - Andrew Young, American politician

Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.

Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always chosen intelligently. - Larry Niven 'Protector'

Interchangable parts won't.

Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
 
Business one-liners 76
Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Indifference is the only sure defense.

Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.

Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.

Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.

Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.

Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.

Interchangeable parts won't.

Is there life before coffee?

It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty.
 
Business one-liners 77
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.

It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

It is a poor workman who blames his tools.

It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.

It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging the mouth.

It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.

It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.

It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.

It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious.

It just doesn't get any Beta than this.
 
Business one-liners 78
It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.

It is later than you think.

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too.

It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you.

It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.

It is not true that life is one thing after another, it's one stupid thing over and over.

It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.

It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.

It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.

It isn't that they can't see the solution, it's that they can't see the problem.
 
Business one-liners 79
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.

It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

It's always the wrong time of the month.

It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.

It's better to retire too soon than too late.

It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent.

It's Good Enough For Government Work.

It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous!
 
Business one-liners 80
It's Not My Job!

It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.

It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.

It's out of my control.

Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.

Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.

Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do.
 
Business one-liners 81
Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.

Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.

Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it anymore.

Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats.

Knowledge based on external evidence is unreliable.

Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.

Leakproof seals will.

Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
 
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