Porus P. Munshi
At a recent out door program on leadership, one big, jovial chap kept kidding around with the other members of his team in a river-crossing exercise where they were all tied to each other. This particular team went through the crossing successfully, but other teams had fallen and been swept away and had to be rescued. At the debrief, the team with the jovial chap was naturally on a high since they were the only successful team. How so? It turned out that almost all the team members were upset with the jovial chap for kidding around during the exercise. Some told him that he was not being taken seriously and that his joking during critical situations upset them rather than reassured them and that his humour was in poor taste because it detracted from the task. The chap in question took it all well and said that he would change because he now understood how he was affecting others. Nobody had asked him why he did what he did. So later, in a one-to-one-feedback session with him, I asked him why his view of the world and his behaviour made sense to him. He said that he was a cancer survivor. He had been diagnosed as having cancer and he felt that it was only his sense of humour and good cheer and refusal to take anything too seriously that saw him through a traumatic and potentially life-threatening illness.
Now it all made sense. His clowning, his refusal to take a situation seriously came from a particular mindset and experience. If this had been shared with the group they might have accepted his clowning around as being part of his mental makeup and would have expanded their tolerance levels to accommodate him.
We, just like the chap discussed above, look out at the world through our own particular windows. And this affects how the world appears to us. Imagine if you always looked out of only one window of your house. Your perspective of the world would be limited to the view out of that window. If it looked out to the sea, the world would look like all water. If it looked out to the mountains, the world would look like all mountains. We have similar windows of the mind and we tend to look out of only one major window that affects our perspective of the world.
One person may lookout of the window of humour, another, the window of aggression, a third, the window of fear, or confidence, of uncertainty, or shyness, or whatever. To understand how a person looks at the world and why he acts in a particular way, understand the window he looks out of. To really understand a person, we also need to look at how his actions make sense to him. Not how they make sense or don't make sense to us. Once a person believes that you understand him, he becomes far more open in turn, to understanding your concerns.
Whenever a person says or does something that does not seem to make sense, ask for background factors like how did he arrive at the plan, or what his concerns are about the situation, or what he wants to achieve as an overall objective. Or just why he does the things he does. As far as possible, avoid imputing motives to a person's actions. Instead it's far better to say, `I don't get it'.
One executive who had been working in a company for nearly a year, still kept referring to his previous company to illustrate how they did things out there. Whenever he gave a suggestion or said anything, he would preface it with "In my previous company..." This began to irritate his colleagues and bosses. They saw it as an attempt at superiority or to highlight how well organised the previous company was. They also saw it as a non buy-in into the present organisation. The executive became the butt of jokes and wisecracks about his previous company. A high degree of resentment was building up against him. The executive had been given feedback many times about his behaviour, but seemed unable to change it.
At a group feedback session, when he brought his ex-company up again and there was eye-rolling taking place, I told him openly in front of the others that his references to his previous company was irritating them. I then asked him what prompted him to make repeated references to his pervious company. After a period of silence, he answered that he felt isolated in the present company. There was an air of insularity and a sense of bonding between the others that made him feel like an outsider. He wanted to fit in, but he also wanted to be respected for what he was bringing to the table in terms of his experience. This wasn't happening. There were understanding nods around the table, people began apologising to him for their behaviour and telling him how much they actually valued certain specific contributions he had made. There was a perceptible shift towards acceptance and understanding. And in the year since then, reports are that he hasn't mentioned his ex-company once.
To sum up, it's simply amazing what kind of fundamental alignments can take place when you take the time to probe what windows the other person is looking out of. The major part of team building lies in first de-layering a person's actions to understand how his "mistaken' way makes sense to him. And then to work forward with that understanding.
The author is Organisation Consultant,
Erehwon Consulting, Bangalore.
SOURCE:http://www.blonnet.com/life/2003/04/14/stories/2003041400100200.htm
At a recent out door program on leadership, one big, jovial chap kept kidding around with the other members of his team in a river-crossing exercise where they were all tied to each other. This particular team went through the crossing successfully, but other teams had fallen and been swept away and had to be rescued. At the debrief, the team with the jovial chap was naturally on a high since they were the only successful team. How so? It turned out that almost all the team members were upset with the jovial chap for kidding around during the exercise. Some told him that he was not being taken seriously and that his joking during critical situations upset them rather than reassured them and that his humour was in poor taste because it detracted from the task. The chap in question took it all well and said that he would change because he now understood how he was affecting others. Nobody had asked him why he did what he did. So later, in a one-to-one-feedback session with him, I asked him why his view of the world and his behaviour made sense to him. He said that he was a cancer survivor. He had been diagnosed as having cancer and he felt that it was only his sense of humour and good cheer and refusal to take anything too seriously that saw him through a traumatic and potentially life-threatening illness.
Now it all made sense. His clowning, his refusal to take a situation seriously came from a particular mindset and experience. If this had been shared with the group they might have accepted his clowning around as being part of his mental makeup and would have expanded their tolerance levels to accommodate him.
We, just like the chap discussed above, look out at the world through our own particular windows. And this affects how the world appears to us. Imagine if you always looked out of only one window of your house. Your perspective of the world would be limited to the view out of that window. If it looked out to the sea, the world would look like all water. If it looked out to the mountains, the world would look like all mountains. We have similar windows of the mind and we tend to look out of only one major window that affects our perspective of the world.
One person may lookout of the window of humour, another, the window of aggression, a third, the window of fear, or confidence, of uncertainty, or shyness, or whatever. To understand how a person looks at the world and why he acts in a particular way, understand the window he looks out of. To really understand a person, we also need to look at how his actions make sense to him. Not how they make sense or don't make sense to us. Once a person believes that you understand him, he becomes far more open in turn, to understanding your concerns.
Whenever a person says or does something that does not seem to make sense, ask for background factors like how did he arrive at the plan, or what his concerns are about the situation, or what he wants to achieve as an overall objective. Or just why he does the things he does. As far as possible, avoid imputing motives to a person's actions. Instead it's far better to say, `I don't get it'.
One executive who had been working in a company for nearly a year, still kept referring to his previous company to illustrate how they did things out there. Whenever he gave a suggestion or said anything, he would preface it with "In my previous company..." This began to irritate his colleagues and bosses. They saw it as an attempt at superiority or to highlight how well organised the previous company was. They also saw it as a non buy-in into the present organisation. The executive became the butt of jokes and wisecracks about his previous company. A high degree of resentment was building up against him. The executive had been given feedback many times about his behaviour, but seemed unable to change it.
At a group feedback session, when he brought his ex-company up again and there was eye-rolling taking place, I told him openly in front of the others that his references to his previous company was irritating them. I then asked him what prompted him to make repeated references to his pervious company. After a period of silence, he answered that he felt isolated in the present company. There was an air of insularity and a sense of bonding between the others that made him feel like an outsider. He wanted to fit in, but he also wanted to be respected for what he was bringing to the table in terms of his experience. This wasn't happening. There were understanding nods around the table, people began apologising to him for their behaviour and telling him how much they actually valued certain specific contributions he had made. There was a perceptible shift towards acceptance and understanding. And in the year since then, reports are that he hasn't mentioned his ex-company once.
To sum up, it's simply amazing what kind of fundamental alignments can take place when you take the time to probe what windows the other person is looking out of. The major part of team building lies in first de-layering a person's actions to understand how his "mistaken' way makes sense to him. And then to work forward with that understanding.
The author is Organisation Consultant,
Erehwon Consulting, Bangalore.
SOURCE:http://www.blonnet.com/life/2003/04/14/stories/2003041400100200.htm