Take some time off to laugh …

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lakshmansrg

New member
:SugarwareZ-191:
Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for
Microsoft Europe.


5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Kantibhai Shah.

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.


2000 people leave the room.


Kantibhai says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose
if I stay. I'll
give it a try'

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100
people may leave.


2000 people leave the room.


Kantibhai says to himself ' I never managed anybody by myself but I have
nothing to lose if I stay.
What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.


500 people leave the room.


Kantibhai says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to
lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo - Croat to
leave.


498 people leave the room.


Kantibhai says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo - Croat but
what do I have to lose?' So he stays and
finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only two candidates

who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation
together in that language.'

Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says `kem chho'


The other candidate answers 'ek dam majama'
 
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted.

Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.

He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his
birthday.

Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last
year.

Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this
year.

Then write a letter to krishna and tell him why you deserve a bike for
your
birthday.

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
krishna a letter.

**************

Letter 1

Dear krishna,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday.

I want a red one.

Your friend,

Bobby

**************

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year,

So he tore up the letter and started over.

**************

Letter 2

Dear krishna,

This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I
would
like

A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.

Your friend,

Bobby

**************

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.

**************

Letter 3

Dear krishna,

I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for
my
birthday.

Bobby

**************

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to krishna either. So, Bobby
wrote
a fourth letter.

**************

Letter 4

krishna,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.

I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.

Please! Thank you,

Bobby

**************

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him
a
bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he
wanted to go to temple.

Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.

Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the temple on the corner.

Little Bobby went into the temple and up to the altar.

He looked around to see if anyone was there.

Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the radha.

He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the temple, down
the street, into the house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a
pen.

Bobby began to write his letter to krishna.

**************

Letter 5

krishna,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR GIRLFRIEND. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE
BIKE!!!!!!
 
Sobriety Test

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
 
A lady and her baby...

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.

As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"

The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."

The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."
 
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. He constantly told his wife in front of all the people in the town: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
The neighbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was quite feared and enjoyed it very much.

Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and there was a closed-casket funeral. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife put down her drink, smiled and said, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried
 
The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. So, the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady. Upon reading his letter, and with great shock, the lady quickly decided not to got to that campground. The letter is as follows...

"Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

"It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks (remember, this is a friendly community)."
 
Santa thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and, also, their anniversary.

He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to Jeetoo on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."

Jeeto was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when Santa came home, kissed her and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, where'd you get them?"
 
Why you and the boss are totally different
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
 
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.” Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face. I’m going to have a beer.” The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses… ”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?” She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious…I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie h?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

“But my sweet honey…at the bar….you know there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie?…”LISTEN UP D*CKHEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*CK UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG, AND EAT YOUR F*CKIN’ HORS D’OEUVRES. BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A F*CKIN’ BAR! THAT SH*IT IS OVER… GOT IT, AS*HOLE?”

…and they lived happily ever after
 
A man walked into a bar room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks”. The bartender said, “No problem sir, but I’ll need to see some money first”. The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?”, asked the bartender. “I’m a professional gambler”, replied the man. The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?”. “Well, I only bet on sure things” said the guy.

“Like what?” asked the bartender. “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye.” The bartender thought about it. “OK”. So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. “Aw, you screwed me”, said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. “I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye” said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet”. So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. “Aw, you screwed me again”. “That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $100″, said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop”.

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “OK, you’re on”. The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me $500!”. The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 that I could piss all over you AND the bar AND still make you laugh!”.
 
A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, “I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.”

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies “But I don’t have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it’s urgent! I’ll do anything to get a message to her.”

The clerk replies “Anything?”

“Yes… ANYTHING!” replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants. She does. “Take it out”, says the clerk.”

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says “Well… go ahead and do it…” She brings her lips close to it and shouts “Hello? … Mom?”
 
A young, successful ventriloquist is on tour and stops in a small town to perform at a club. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman from the third row stands on her chair and screams: “I’ve had just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?”

“What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?” she goes on to say… “It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large - all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde screams again, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little sh*t on your knee!”
 
Three girls were on the run from the cops - a red head, a brunette, and a blonde. During the subsequent high speed chase the red head spotted a potato farm and suggested that the girls should hide out there.

Once at the farm all three girls girls climbed into a potato sack. The cops came to the potato farm, looked around, but saw no sign of the girls. The sheriff started kicking potato sacks to see if maybe they were hiding.

The sheriff kicked the bag with the red head in it and she yelped “Bark Bark” so they thought it was a dog. He kicked another sack, this one with the brunette in it, and she said “Meow Meow” so they thought it was a cat. Finally, just as the sheriff was about to give up - he kicked one last bag, with the blonde inside, and heard “POTATO!”
 
Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

… the teacher fainted!
 
That little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.

Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?”

Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually gets bucked off!”
 
Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiouysly loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of despiration, says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?”

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn’t a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.

Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked underneath her skirt.

“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly,”you’ve got a Double-Barrel!”
 
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
 
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
 
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.
 
The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.
 
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