montu_1482
New member
• Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls??
• Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
• Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
• There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married and he kept his word now he is going thru hell.
• The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "That guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"
• Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
• A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?
• Santa: Do you know the meaning of WIFE. It means...Without Information Fighting Evrytime!
Jeeto: It could also mean - With Idiot For Ever.
• Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
• Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!!
• Five-year-old girl was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied, "Whatever my Mom tells him to."
• My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food...
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
• A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."
• Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so wife can vacuum.
• Q: What's the difference between women and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
• Wife is sweet, when she is new. Sweeter, when she is true. And she is the sweetest, when she is someone else's wife.
• Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."
• His wife said: "Be an angel and let me drive." So he did, and now he is.
• A funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased - what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
The widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your dad.
• Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
• Wife:"Look, here are some lion tracks."
Husband:"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
• A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor.
• Husband: 'Shall we try a different position tonight?'
Wife: 'That's a good idea. Why don't YOU stand by the sink and do the dishes and I'LL sit on the sofa and fart'.
• An old man goes to a gypsy to ask him if he can remove a curse he's been living with for 40 years. The gypsy says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
• Girl:"Honey, when we get married, I'll be there to share all your troubles and sorrows."
Boy:"But I don't have any, my love."
Girl:"I said, when we get married"
• A mobile is like a woman- talks non-stop, costs a fortune, disturbs when you are busy and when you need it urgently-there is no service!
• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it"
• A man tries to push an elderly woman over a balcony's railing on the third floor. A crowd of onlookers on the sidewalk is angry.
"Stop him! Stop the bastard!" they shout. "Help the poor woman!"
"She is my mother-in-law," the man on the balcony says.
"Ah... Look at the witch! She has the gall to grab at the railing and resist!"
• God thought that since he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother.
Then devil thought that he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
• A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
• A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"?
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
• The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."
• A husband and wife are shopping when the wife says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What should we buy her? She would like something electric."
The husband replies, "How about a chair?!?"
• At weddings old aunts used 2 tease me saying: You are next, you are next.
But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals!
• Q: How do you recognize a Santa's son in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.
• Banta was visiting Santa, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. Santa responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Banta: Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
"HELLOOOOOO," answered Santa. "They're watch dogs!"
• Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
• The owner of a company tells his employees:
You worked very hard this year. The company's profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for Rs 5000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.
• The boss called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
• Boss: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Agent: Sure, buddy.
Boss: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Agent: No, SIR!
• The weatherman is the only person who can be wrong every single day and still have their boss tell them see ya tomarrow
• When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. --Marcel Achard
• The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."
• A company offered Rs 500 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees.
First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to Rs 250.
• Q: Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
• An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Santa was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that Santa shouted, "Kya nishana lagaya hai!"
• Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
• Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
• There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married and he kept his word now he is going thru hell.
• The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "That guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"
• Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
• A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?
• Santa: Do you know the meaning of WIFE. It means...Without Information Fighting Evrytime!
Jeeto: It could also mean - With Idiot For Ever.
• Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
• Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!!
• Five-year-old girl was asked by her teacher what her father does, and she replied, "Whatever my Mom tells him to."
• My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food...
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
• A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."
• Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so wife can vacuum.
• Q: What's the difference between women and government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
• Wife is sweet, when she is new. Sweeter, when she is true. And she is the sweetest, when she is someone else's wife.
• Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."
• His wife said: "Be an angel and let me drive." So he did, and now he is.
• A funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased - what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
The widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your dad.
• Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
• Wife:"Look, here are some lion tracks."
Husband:"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
• A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor.
• Husband: 'Shall we try a different position tonight?'
Wife: 'That's a good idea. Why don't YOU stand by the sink and do the dishes and I'LL sit on the sofa and fart'.
• An old man goes to a gypsy to ask him if he can remove a curse he's been living with for 40 years. The gypsy says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
• Girl:"Honey, when we get married, I'll be there to share all your troubles and sorrows."
Boy:"But I don't have any, my love."
Girl:"I said, when we get married"
• A mobile is like a woman- talks non-stop, costs a fortune, disturbs when you are busy and when you need it urgently-there is no service!
• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it"
• A man tries to push an elderly woman over a balcony's railing on the third floor. A crowd of onlookers on the sidewalk is angry.
"Stop him! Stop the bastard!" they shout. "Help the poor woman!"
"She is my mother-in-law," the man on the balcony says.
"Ah... Look at the witch! She has the gall to grab at the railing and resist!"
• God thought that since he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother.
Then devil thought that he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother-in-law.
• A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
• A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"?
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
• The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."
• A husband and wife are shopping when the wife says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What should we buy her? She would like something electric."
The husband replies, "How about a chair?!?"
• At weddings old aunts used 2 tease me saying: You are next, you are next.
But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals!
• Q: How do you recognize a Santa's son in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.
• Banta was visiting Santa, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. Santa responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Banta: Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
"HELLOOOOOO," answered Santa. "They're watch dogs!"
• Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
• The owner of a company tells his employees:
You worked very hard this year. The company's profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for Rs 5000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.
• The boss called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
• Boss: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Agent: Sure, buddy.
Boss: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Agent: No, SIR!
• The weatherman is the only person who can be wrong every single day and still have their boss tell them see ya tomarrow
• When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. --Marcel Achard
• The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."
• A company offered Rs 500 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees.
First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to Rs 250.
• Q: Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
• An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Santa was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that Santa shouted, "Kya nishana lagaya hai!"
