The Importance Of Listening
In these modern times we as people are very busy. We have multiple distractions. Distractions such as cell phones, computers, Ipods and 24/7 television. We are constantly talking. Even when we are listening we are continually chattering in our brain. Formulating an answer, or reacting to what is being said. We all want to talk, but so few wish to listen. We hear what is being said but are we really listening? What is listening?
To go into this question we can begin with what it is not. Maybe from there we can discover its quality. Listening is not a reaction. Listening is not talking. Listening is not thinking. Listening is not what someone tells you it is. What I mean by that is. You and I could describe it, but that is not listening, that is merely its description. I could describe water to you, however the description of water will not quench your thirst.
When a person is listening there are no reactions. There is no thinking. There is no talking. Listening is not judging. Listening as I see it is a very humble quality. There is no me. There is no what I want to say. Listening is very revealing. Listening to your own thoughts or what others say can be very informative.
These days we lay so much emphasis on the intellect that we close our hearts and remove the beating moment to moment of life, because we are no longer listening. We have filled our lives with knowledge, beliefs, opinions, which lead to prejudgments.
The importance of listening is this. When you are not listening you are not learning. When you are not listening you are preventing opportunity. The fact that you do not listen reveals the reality that your mind is closed. When you are not listening you are preventing intelligence. When you are not listening there is nothing new, there are only your reactions. If you wish to live life to its fullest, then listening is vital.
Barriers to Listening
Listening takes time or, more accurately, you have to take time to listen.
A life filled with back-to-back commitments offers little leeway for listening. Similarly, a mind constantly buzzing with plans, dreams, schemes and anxieties is difficult to clear. Good listening requires the temporary suspension of all unrelated thoughts -- a blank canvas. In order to become an effective listener, you have to learn to manage what goes on in your own mind.
Technology, for all its glorious gifts, has erected new barriers to listening. Face-to-face meetings and telephone conversations (priceless listening opportunities) are being replaced by email and the sterile anonymity of electronic meeting rooms.
Other barriers to listening include:
1. worry, fear, anger, grief and depression
2. individual bias and prejudice
3. semantics and language differences
4. noise and verbal "clutter"
5. preoccupation, boredom and shrinking attention spans
The Three Basic Listening Modes
1. Competitive or Combative Listening happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention we are impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
2. In Passive or Attentive Listening we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We are attentive and passively listen. We assume that we heard and understand correctly. but stay passive and do not verify it.
3. Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.
What is the Learning Process:
A listening process is an open commitment to engage actively in the world and thought of the person or people to whom you are listening and a corresponding commitment on the part of the other person or people to enter into yours. It does not presume agreement or disagreement; it presumes a striving for empathy.
It involves asking such questions as ‘What would I feel in that situation?’, ‘What would I have done?’ ‘How does that person think, what is her world view?’ rather than, ‘How can I counter that argument?’
Listening requires respect. Point scoring and name calling can have no place in a listening process. The words we use may cause offence and so they need to be chosen carefully.
The process of listening to lesbian and gay people is a commitment to hear what they have to say, how they feel and how they understand the gospel.
The listening process is not a debate. It is not about persuading someone else that you are right, nor is it about finding a compromise between two positions. One writer has said: “Debate is too often about two opposing opinions, about making points that build up one and demolish the other. It’s adversarial … In my experience, debates rarely build anything or anybody up; rather they entrench us and our opinions.”[1] Listening processes are about how another person sees and understands the world and the gospel and not about you making others agree with you, or others making you agree with them.
A listening process concerned with human sexuality has to include lesbian and gay people and ‘straight’ people. All have something to share in the process. People who find they are attracted to people of their own gender are present in all our churches and have a range of opinions. Each of their diverse stories is significant.
While the listening process is not aimed at defining theology, some ask about the place experience plays in the Anglican theological method. The way Anglicans do theology is through the Bible, tradition and reason. The Virginia Report defines reason as the ‘human being’s capacity to symbolise, and so to order, share and communicate experience’.[2] Taking note of experience is part of our theological method, but it cannot override our commitment to scripture and tradition. Listening to the experience of gay and lesbian people is not primarily about shaping our theology but it may influence our theology and will change the way we proclaim the message of God’s love for the world.
Where listening processes have been entered into the life of the church has been enriched and enabled to focus on mission in its local context and in the world.
What does it mean to really listen?
Real listening is an active process that has three basic steps.
1. Hearing. Hearing just means listening enough to catch what the speaker is saying. For example, say you were listening to a report on zebras, and the speaker mentioned that no two are alike. If you can repeat the fact, then you have heard what has been said.
2. Understanding. The next part of listening happens when you take what you have heard and understand it in your own way. Let's go back to that report on zebras. When you hear that no two are alike, think about what that might mean. You might think, "Maybe this means that the pattern of stripes is different for each zebra."
3. Judging. After you are sure you understand what the speaker has said, think about whether it makes sense. Do you believe what you have heard? You might think, "How could the stripes to be different for every zebra? But then again, the fingerprints are different for every person. I think this seems believable."
Tips for being a good listener
1. Give your full attention on the person who is speaking. Don't look out the window or at what else is going on in the room.
2. Make sure your mind is focused, too. It can be easy to let your mind wander if you think you know what the person is going to say next, but you might be wrong! If you feel your mind wandering, change the position of your body and try to concentrate on the speaker's words.
3. Let the speaker finish before you begin to talk. Speakers appreciate having the chance to say everything they would like to say without being interrupted. When you interrupt, it looks like you aren't listening, even if you really are.
4. Let yourself finish listening before you begin to speak! You can't really listen if you are busy thinking about what you want say next.
5. Listen for main ideas. The main ideas are the most important points the speaker wants to get across. They may be mentioned at the start or end of a talk, and repeated a number of times. Pay special attention to statements that begin with phrases such as "My point is..." or "The thing to remember is..."
6. Ask questions. If you are not sure you understand what the speaker has said, just ask. It is a good idea to repeat in your own words what the speaker said so that you can be sure your understanding is correct. For example, you might say, "When you said that no two zebras are alike, did you mean that the stripes are different on each one?"
7. Give feedback. Sit up straight and look directly at the speaker. Now and then, nod to show that you understand. At appropriate points you may also smile, frown, laugh, or be silent. These are all ways to let the speaker know that you are really listening. Remember, you listen with your face as well as your ears!
In these modern times we as people are very busy. We have multiple distractions. Distractions such as cell phones, computers, Ipods and 24/7 television. We are constantly talking. Even when we are listening we are continually chattering in our brain. Formulating an answer, or reacting to what is being said. We all want to talk, but so few wish to listen. We hear what is being said but are we really listening? What is listening?
To go into this question we can begin with what it is not. Maybe from there we can discover its quality. Listening is not a reaction. Listening is not talking. Listening is not thinking. Listening is not what someone tells you it is. What I mean by that is. You and I could describe it, but that is not listening, that is merely its description. I could describe water to you, however the description of water will not quench your thirst.
When a person is listening there are no reactions. There is no thinking. There is no talking. Listening is not judging. Listening as I see it is a very humble quality. There is no me. There is no what I want to say. Listening is very revealing. Listening to your own thoughts or what others say can be very informative.
These days we lay so much emphasis on the intellect that we close our hearts and remove the beating moment to moment of life, because we are no longer listening. We have filled our lives with knowledge, beliefs, opinions, which lead to prejudgments.
The importance of listening is this. When you are not listening you are not learning. When you are not listening you are preventing opportunity. The fact that you do not listen reveals the reality that your mind is closed. When you are not listening you are preventing intelligence. When you are not listening there is nothing new, there are only your reactions. If you wish to live life to its fullest, then listening is vital.
Barriers to Listening
Listening takes time or, more accurately, you have to take time to listen.
A life filled with back-to-back commitments offers little leeway for listening. Similarly, a mind constantly buzzing with plans, dreams, schemes and anxieties is difficult to clear. Good listening requires the temporary suspension of all unrelated thoughts -- a blank canvas. In order to become an effective listener, you have to learn to manage what goes on in your own mind.
Technology, for all its glorious gifts, has erected new barriers to listening. Face-to-face meetings and telephone conversations (priceless listening opportunities) are being replaced by email and the sterile anonymity of electronic meeting rooms.
Other barriers to listening include:
1. worry, fear, anger, grief and depression
2. individual bias and prejudice
3. semantics and language differences
4. noise and verbal "clutter"
5. preoccupation, boredom and shrinking attention spans
The Three Basic Listening Modes
1. Competitive or Combative Listening happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention we are impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy their argument and make us the victor.
2. In Passive or Attentive Listening we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other person’s point of view. We are attentive and passively listen. We assume that we heard and understand correctly. but stay passive and do not verify it.
3. Active or Reflective Listening is the single most useful and important listening skill. In active listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message means, and we are active in checking out our understanding before we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender for verification. This verification or feedback process is what distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.
What is the Learning Process:
A listening process is an open commitment to engage actively in the world and thought of the person or people to whom you are listening and a corresponding commitment on the part of the other person or people to enter into yours. It does not presume agreement or disagreement; it presumes a striving for empathy.
It involves asking such questions as ‘What would I feel in that situation?’, ‘What would I have done?’ ‘How does that person think, what is her world view?’ rather than, ‘How can I counter that argument?’
Listening requires respect. Point scoring and name calling can have no place in a listening process. The words we use may cause offence and so they need to be chosen carefully.
The process of listening to lesbian and gay people is a commitment to hear what they have to say, how they feel and how they understand the gospel.
The listening process is not a debate. It is not about persuading someone else that you are right, nor is it about finding a compromise between two positions. One writer has said: “Debate is too often about two opposing opinions, about making points that build up one and demolish the other. It’s adversarial … In my experience, debates rarely build anything or anybody up; rather they entrench us and our opinions.”[1] Listening processes are about how another person sees and understands the world and the gospel and not about you making others agree with you, or others making you agree with them.
A listening process concerned with human sexuality has to include lesbian and gay people and ‘straight’ people. All have something to share in the process. People who find they are attracted to people of their own gender are present in all our churches and have a range of opinions. Each of their diverse stories is significant.
While the listening process is not aimed at defining theology, some ask about the place experience plays in the Anglican theological method. The way Anglicans do theology is through the Bible, tradition and reason. The Virginia Report defines reason as the ‘human being’s capacity to symbolise, and so to order, share and communicate experience’.[2] Taking note of experience is part of our theological method, but it cannot override our commitment to scripture and tradition. Listening to the experience of gay and lesbian people is not primarily about shaping our theology but it may influence our theology and will change the way we proclaim the message of God’s love for the world.
Where listening processes have been entered into the life of the church has been enriched and enabled to focus on mission in its local context and in the world.
What does it mean to really listen?
Real listening is an active process that has three basic steps.
1. Hearing. Hearing just means listening enough to catch what the speaker is saying. For example, say you were listening to a report on zebras, and the speaker mentioned that no two are alike. If you can repeat the fact, then you have heard what has been said.
2. Understanding. The next part of listening happens when you take what you have heard and understand it in your own way. Let's go back to that report on zebras. When you hear that no two are alike, think about what that might mean. You might think, "Maybe this means that the pattern of stripes is different for each zebra."
3. Judging. After you are sure you understand what the speaker has said, think about whether it makes sense. Do you believe what you have heard? You might think, "How could the stripes to be different for every zebra? But then again, the fingerprints are different for every person. I think this seems believable."
Tips for being a good listener
1. Give your full attention on the person who is speaking. Don't look out the window or at what else is going on in the room.
2. Make sure your mind is focused, too. It can be easy to let your mind wander if you think you know what the person is going to say next, but you might be wrong! If you feel your mind wandering, change the position of your body and try to concentrate on the speaker's words.
3. Let the speaker finish before you begin to talk. Speakers appreciate having the chance to say everything they would like to say without being interrupted. When you interrupt, it looks like you aren't listening, even if you really are.
4. Let yourself finish listening before you begin to speak! You can't really listen if you are busy thinking about what you want say next.
5. Listen for main ideas. The main ideas are the most important points the speaker wants to get across. They may be mentioned at the start or end of a talk, and repeated a number of times. Pay special attention to statements that begin with phrases such as "My point is..." or "The thing to remember is..."
6. Ask questions. If you are not sure you understand what the speaker has said, just ask. It is a good idea to repeat in your own words what the speaker said so that you can be sure your understanding is correct. For example, you might say, "When you said that no two zebras are alike, did you mean that the stripes are different on each one?"
7. Give feedback. Sit up straight and look directly at the speaker. Now and then, nod to show that you understand. At appropriate points you may also smile, frown, laugh, or be silent. These are all ways to let the speaker know that you are really listening. Remember, you listen with your face as well as your ears!