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enigma

enigma

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
***Etiquette class***

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher asks her students: “If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”
Mike replies “Wait a minute; I’m going for a pee.”
The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”

Charlie replies: “I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll be back in a minute.”
The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word ‘’toilet'’ during a meal, is unpleasant.”

Then Billy responds: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner”. The teacher passed out.
 
***True matrimonial ads***

These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!
Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this.

- Hello To Viewvers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart… when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send uletter.. Thanks yours Regards Sowmya ~*~
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i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework

(Homework?)

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Wants a man who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. he may never create any difficulties in my life or his life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you (The principle of running life smoothlywas never so easy!)

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he should be good looking and should have a service. he Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. he should be educated.

(ain’t it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)

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I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on … hold my hand forever !!!

(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)

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i am simple girl.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow I amlooking oneboyhe caremeandloveme lot lot lot (I don’t know why but this is one of my favorites)

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My husband should be as ‘Shiva’ as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as in KSBKBT……
(Ok I haven’t seen these soaps but I am sure she must be demanding too much, ain’t he?)

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i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast (by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell…)

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HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO
LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY ,THEY ARE 1.THEY
MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD
NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.

(all of us are loughing{laughing})

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whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he would bde called the man of the lamp (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants)

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i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of “ok”. The person is
suffering from “Ok-syndrome”)

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HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK

(the “ok syndrome” again)

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iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married ‘completely’?)

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iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.
(actually what is this girl doing? Postal service or tailor.??)

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my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (height of desperation! J )

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Iwant one boy who love me or my mother. he love me heartly or he havea frank he’s skin colour ‘normal’not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. But iam not a handsome girl or not a good looking. but my Mom say that
Iam a good girl. My father already expired . iam ‘’AEKLAUTA'’. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye.

(uttama purishinin)

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iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(No comments)

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I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON’T HAVE ANY HABIT.
(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)

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hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily. i divorced my first husband. his charactor is not good’. i expect the good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted …

(but credit cards not accepted..???)

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my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service (Zebra..???)

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i’m looking out for who lives in bombay, boy simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.

(Now that criterion is a must, isn’t it?)

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to be married on jan-2005. working man preferable (this girl has fixed the marriage date too! But she is yet to find a bridegroom. I wish her best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure she will get one soon.)

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i would like a beautyfull boy. and i do not want his any treasure. because boy is the maharaja.
(Now he is going to be a lucky boy! Any takers?)

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ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present.
(Any takers again?)
 
Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ahmed : I want 2 b a pilot.
James : I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Asif : I want 2 help Deepa.
=============================================================
Liar:
A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, “Dad, why do u keep telling people u’re dying of AIDS?”
Answer: “So when I’m dead no one will dare touch ur mom
=============================================================
Delivered:
Sardar sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing. The report said, “DELIVERED”.
=============================================================
 
***Sniffer dog inside plane***



A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever between them. The first man asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a sniffing dog. “His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is,” he said. “I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”

The plane took off, and once it had leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.” He told Sniffer to “search.” Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm.

The agent said, “Good boy.” He turned to the other man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number. The authorities will apprehend her when we land.” “Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat and placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.” The agent then told Sniffer to search again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent. He jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asked the agent, “What’s going on?” The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb!”
 
***LEAVE LETTERS BY VARIOUS COMPANIES***

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written
by people in various places of India ...

1. Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows:

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please
sanction me one-week leave.



2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing
the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."



3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."



4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it,
please grant me 10 days leave."



5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not
return, please grant me half day casual leave"



6. An incident of a leave letter

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."



7. A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you
to leave me today"



8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."



9. Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."



10. Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."



11. Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I
may be granted leave".



12. Letter writing: -

"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."



13. A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an
Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years
and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
 
. Ek dost ne sardar se poocha "yaar tu hamesha foreign channel kyon dekhta rehta."

Sardar "yaar kuch bijli unki bhi kharcha hone do."

2. Four hightech sardar inventions:
---Waterproof towel
---Solar powered torch
---Book on how to read
---Pedal powered wheel chair.

3. Why did sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it?
Guess what ---To avoid side effect!!!

4. Sardar ke bagiche me bahut pedh the. Sardar ne naukar se bola pedho ko pani dal.
Naukar bola "sahib barish ho rahi hai"
sardar : abe budhu chatri pakdke dal na"

5.Man:sardarji where were u born?
sardarji: punjab.
man: which part.
Sardar: oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".


6. Lawyer to sardar: Gita pe haath laga kar kaho ke ---Sardar :yeh kya,
sita pe haath lagaya to court me bulaiya. ab fir gita pe haath.


7. Ek teacher ne sardar se puchha
"akal badhi ya bhais "
Sardar bola "sir pehle date of birth to batao".

8. Why was sardarji writing the exam near the door
bcoz it was an entrance exam.

9.Banta's son:dad there is some one on the door 2 collect donations for a swimming pool.
Banta: give him a glass of water.

10.Santa:I am a proud sardar, my son is in medical college.
Banta: really what is he studying?
santa: he is not studying they r studying him.
 
***Three bank robbers***

Three robbers broke inside the bank shortly after midnight. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, “At least we’ll have a bit to eat.”

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.

Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
 
***The Preacher’s Donkey***

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
 
***God and the Harley Davidson Inventor***

Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”

Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, “I want to hang out with God.”

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?”

Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”

God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, “Excuse me, but aren’t You the inventor of woman?”

God said, “Yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;

5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”

“Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”

God went to His Celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”
 
***The King***

The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank’s most important clients.

After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank’s business relationship.

So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.

The king thought for a while and said finally, “No problem! I have, I have”.

One down, the lady thought up something more complex. “My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France.”

The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, “OK, I build, I build”.

Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.

Surely the king could not possibly fulfil this one. “Well,” she said, “You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis.”

The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, “OK, OK, I cut, I cut”.
 
***A Little Boy And A Little Girl***

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.

He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?” She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.”

“Why?” he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”

“Let me see” he said.

“Okay” and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.”

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said “Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the neck and the gizzards!!!!!!!!
 
***Chinese man in Australia***

This Chinese man moved into his new home in Australia. His Aussie neighbor, being the nice Aussie bloke that he was, decided to make him feel welcome. He went next door to wish him welcome.

He was shocked to see the Chinese man in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. “Must be a Chinese custom” he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Chinese man When he looked through his window, he saw the Chinese man urinate into a cup and drink it. “Must be a Chinese custom” he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Chinese man. At his gate, he saw the Chinese man with his ear pressed against a cow’s big fat butt.

He became angry and went up to the Chinese man. “I’m sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Chinese customs!” He yelled in the Chinese man’s face.

The Chinese man looked confused and answered. “Solly sir, I think you awe mistaken. These awe actually Austwalian customs. I was told, to become an Austwalian, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and lissen to boohll-sheet.”
 
***Little Johnny ***

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
 
***Old man going to get Viagra pills***

This old man in his eighty’s got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, “Where are you going?”

He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”

And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”

“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”

She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”

He said, “Why?”

She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”
 
***Pregnant daughter’s smart father***

A twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house! ; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?” At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “Then you can try again!”
 
*** Lecture on the supernatural***

A professor at Oklahoma State University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his class, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” 3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, “So, Bubba, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?”

Bubba replied, “Daaaang!!$!

From way back thar I thought you said “goats.”
 
***Blonde girl in school***

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, ” we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. 10!

“Very good,” said her mother.

” Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, It’s because you’re blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, ‘ we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B , C , D, E , F , G!”

“Very good,” said her mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, It’s because you’re blonde”

“The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled ” we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls have flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36cs.

“Very good,” said her embarassed mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“No, honey. It’s because you’re 24!”
 
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