Corporate Lesson#1

D

dilwale

Sayed Shabbir
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
 
Office Jokes
Subcategories
communication (2)
management (8)
odds and ends (8)
projects (1)
stress (5)

Funny rejection letter

From a sign in a TV news director's office in Texas...

"Bad planning on your part does not necessarily constitute an emergency on my part."

One way of dealing with unruly staff

BBC NEWS | World | Africa | SA farmer 'fed worker to lions'


* BBC loses patience with tribunal pair
* How to be happy (word document)
* End the scandal of fat cat pay....
* The Procrastinator's Creed

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Thanks to Steve for that one

How rumours start in the office

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk, totally stressed out.

He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic, and it really helped; you should try it too!".

Two weeks later, when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up, and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice".

"I did", answers the employee. "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
 
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
 
Work vs Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

So why is it, again, that we work?
 
All Is Fair In Business

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
 
The Requirements Of This Job

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
 
The Best Boss in the World

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
 
A Bizarre Interview Technique

A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization. The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group." The man says O.K.

He is striped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join.

Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance.

The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again.

The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization." As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.
 
Differences Between You And Your Boss

1. When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
2. When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
4. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
5. When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
6. When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
7. When you please your boss, you're ass-kissing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
8. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
9. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
10. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
 
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
 
I Hate My Job Day

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer
made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get
home, lock your doors, draw the drapes and disconnect the phone so you
will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable
clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the
package and remove the thermometer.

Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not
become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that
accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company."
 
Early Retirement

Due to the financial situation within the farming industry, the
Government has decided to place all farmers over the age of 60
on an early retirement scheme.

The scheme (Retire Agricultural Personnel Early) will be known as RAPE.

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply for (Special Help After Farm
Termination) or SHAFT.

Those who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will then be reviewed under the
(Scheme for Retired Early Workers) or SCREW.

Please note: You can only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED
as many times as the Government deem appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income
for Dependants) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Rural Personnel on Early
Severance)

Those Farmers remaining in the Industry will receive as much Special
High Intensity Training or (SHIT) and Caring Responsive Assistance
Programme or (CRAP) as possible.

As you are aware, the Government has always prided itself on the amount
of SHIT and CRAP it gives to Farmers. Should you feel however, you are
not receiving enough SHIT, or that you are not responding to all the
CRAP, please bring this to the attention of the Minister as he has been
especially trained to give you all the SHIT and CRAP that you can handle.
 
In 1998 a business magazine ran a contest asking for Dilbert-like quotes from people who had real-life Dilbert-like managers. Here are some of the winners.

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(Microsoft Corporation - this one took first place)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft Development Team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

5. This project is so important that we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising /Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks, and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)

8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing Executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
(AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
(Microsoft Legal Affairs Division)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. He showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.
(Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memo: "Lucent Technologies is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!"
(Lucent Technologies - formerly a division of AT&T)
 
The Pheasant And The Bull

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy."

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
 
Applied Mathematics
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to do the work.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!
 
Native American Indian In Cafe
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up".

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"?

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day.
 
Drum Up Business
Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback to see if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines.

Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents.

The first said, "No business here... natives don't wear shoes."

The second one said, "Great opportunity here... natives don't wear shoes!"
 
t's Not What You Know
John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the US Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930s. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organising civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950s at the rank of full colonel.

Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College (later to become the California State University, Fresno). His work was well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.

He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor's degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favour by letting him keep his job by getting 'only' a master's degree.

So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA.

On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read John's name.

"Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook we'll be using?" he asked.

"I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you're using," came the dry response.
 
anager: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?”

Staff: “A little. What’s wrong sir?”

Manager: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.”

Staff: “How did you load the sheet?”

Manager: “I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”
 
Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.

Husband: (Returning late from work) “Good Evening Dear, I’m now logged in.”

Wife: Have you brought the grocery?

Husband: Bad command or file name.

Wife: But I told you in the morning

Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
 
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