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“Shubhankaroti kalyanam, Aarogyam dhan sampada……..”!!! My evening never start without saying this small little prayer in front of the god after lighting a diva. My mother has always told me that when the sun bids us farewell , when my father starts his journey back home after closing his office , even Gods close their offices and take out time to listen to prayers of small kids .
She told me this was the time the God waits to have a conversation with his little loved ones. Then the picture was very clear in my mind. God closing the shutter of the heaven engulfed in cloud, giving the keys to ‘Chitragupt’ (to make sure he opens it before the god can come in the next morning) and then sitting on his gold thrown amongst soft, snow white clouds, tentatively listening to me speak with him. The picture has somehow become blur now but the habit still remains but the conversation with God has changed to a mechanical said prayer, so had my life. Handling office work and house had become my life, leaving no space for hobbies, social life or even family.
Amongst the busy daily routine, I use to sit in Barista Coffee shop on my way home to gasp for a breather. A very rare but cherished occasion for me to reminiscence some lost moments of my life. An imaginary video film use to run in front of my eyes...My parents who I had left back in pune when I chose my profession over them, my sister ,my brother, my 1 room kitchen apartment in the busiest chawl in pune, full of hustle bustle and laughter. Very often wondering if the choices in my life made me happy or sad.
Today was one of the lucky days where I could squeeze in a breather at Barista. Facing the marine drive decorated with excited children and blushing couples. I ordered for the usual Café Latte ,noticing the small kid on the piggy back ride on his father. It somehow gave me a feeling of void in my heart with a tinge of envy for the kid. I paused on my father’s frame in the imaginary video film in my mind and tried zooming on the smile on his younger face. My vision was interrupted by the waiter. He asked me to order for something else since Café latte was unavailable. I could’ve simply ordered for Cappuccino or something else, but I simply snapped at him and asked for his manager. My frustration had more to do with the void in my heart than the menu available. Café Latte was made available to me but the triumph feeling did nothing to my feeling of loneliness.
The piggy back ride was over for the kid, so I turned my face to notice the waiter who had just being yelled at because of me. I then noticed he was an elderly man, which was surprising in Barista. He smiled at me, a very peculiar smile; there was something soothing about it. I asked him to come over, he obeyed. I then apologised for my behaviour,” I’ve had a very rough day, I am really sorry to venting it out on you!” He simply said” My daughter does the same thing to me”. He just compared me with his daughter; it just made me a little uncomfortable for no obvious reason. “Oh...is she of my age?” I enquired, “She is just your age and as innocent and confused as you are”.”Huh??” I was a little taken aback. “Well I am lawyer, so it alone proves that I am neither innocent nor confused”. Sipping on my prize, my Café Latte I was getting all snobby and pompous as I had just mentioned my profession to a mere waiter. “Innocence is lost when you don’t miss being innocent”. He was still smiling, a ‘know it all’ kind of a smile. I did not want to interrupt him, he continued saying “My daughter needed more space to start her own family so I just have moved out of our home with my wife to a small room”. “You mean she just took over your house and asked you to leave? Is that house under your name?” I deal with such cases everyday in the court where a father sues his child or vice versa. “Oh no... I moved out on my own, I am very happy for her, she is going to start a family where I had done once”. He did genuinely seem happy; I could see it in his eyes. Suddenly a guilty feeling engulfed me for no reason, I had not pushed my father out of his house why am I feeling guilty but then again definitely left him alone when I chose my career over him, but I support him, I send him cheques . I was defending my self in the court of my own. I changed the topic to make my self feel better.” Is she at least going to pay the rent of your house and support you? If not we can sue her for this.” His eyes widened with astonishment “Sue my own daughter, my little princess!!” MY LITTLE PRINCESS!! That is what my father use to call me!! My father with whom I converse only when I send him the monthly cheque. Was it enough?? But why am I asking my self this today? “I have spent my entire life to give her all the happiness in this world , now when she starts her life on her own you expect me to ruin it ?? ” He seemed so sure of what he was saying, there was nothing saintly about him but still for her he was ok working at a Barista coffee shop as a mere waiter at this age. “ But you have made her , whatever she is right now she is because of you, your sacrifices, your hard work , you compromises only for her happiness and well being. She has to be with you and not leave you working in some coffee shop at this age.”. He just smiled, in the same peculiar way and said “ So you do understand that , don’t you?”. “ Well of course, I …. ” . I suddenly felt short of words. I could not defend my case anymore. I did understand . I did know that money does not matter to my parents at this age. The monthly cheques are not what is going to make them happy. I could sense I had lost my case in my court.
I suddenly felt all of it , my father could have simply left me in the best of boarding school and send truck full of money every month. That wouldn’t have made me what I am right now. It was his love, his compassion, those piggy back rides, those trips to water kingdom and snake parks wouldn’t have been the same without him. It was his presence that mattered. It was my presence that is going to matter to my father. The waiter was still looking down upon me and smiling. The soothing smile. I remember where I had seen that smile before. It was on my father’s younger face when I was with him in the imaginary video film . Suddenly my cheeks could feel warm water trickling down. My eyes were burning when I tried closing them to hide the water works. My head was suddenly very light and spinning . I could now name the void in me , it was the void I have been carrying for past five years when I had left my parents house to become successful. It just did not seem worth it. I could not talk anymore. I asked him to get the bill for me. I paid and without a second glance at the waiter I rushed outside. I could not bear to see him smile.
That was the night when I decided to make everything right. I eventually shifted my base to Pune. I got a bigger place where my parents could move in with me and have all the luxuries in life and also enjoy it along with their daughter. The void was suddenly full. My life was full and happy. I could go home where someone was waiting for me to come. I would not trade even one time dinner with my family for anything in this world. I could see the peculiar smile everyday. It was broader and satisfied. I could see it.
I had been to Mumbai to collect my last pay cheque , it had been almost a month that I had been to Barista. I decided to meet the waiter and thank him for the drastic change in everybody’s lives, including my parents. He had to know what huge favour he had for me . I entered the place at around the same time in the evening. I was desperately looking for him. The waiter was not around. I enquired at the counter, the young fellow had no idea. I then called for his manager, he recognised me immediately. This time I was very polite “ Hi! You do remember me right ?” , there was an instant nod. “ Yes of course ma’am , you are regular customer here, we always get you what you want. How can I help you today?”. I was a little embarrassed by his statement, but nevertheless I asked for the old gentleman . “ Oh that guy, surprisingly he quit the same day he was hired. That was the only day her worked here! Is there a problem ?” . I was stunned! “ Ma’am is there a problem” he asked again. I simply nodded to say no, none at all.
How come he was hired on that particular day? Why did he quit ? That peculiar smile of my father’s on his face??… My little princess?? Everything seemed unnatural to me then. Who was he ? Someone who knew everything about me , what I was thinking when I was watching the kid on piggy back ride? What was that void in me? What was that one thing missing in my parent’s life? Why were there warm water trickling down my face?
I guess my mother was right. God does take time out in the evening after he closes the shutters of heaven to have a conversation with his loved ones.
She told me this was the time the God waits to have a conversation with his little loved ones. Then the picture was very clear in my mind. God closing the shutter of the heaven engulfed in cloud, giving the keys to ‘Chitragupt’ (to make sure he opens it before the god can come in the next morning) and then sitting on his gold thrown amongst soft, snow white clouds, tentatively listening to me speak with him. The picture has somehow become blur now but the habit still remains but the conversation with God has changed to a mechanical said prayer, so had my life. Handling office work and house had become my life, leaving no space for hobbies, social life or even family.
Amongst the busy daily routine, I use to sit in Barista Coffee shop on my way home to gasp for a breather. A very rare but cherished occasion for me to reminiscence some lost moments of my life. An imaginary video film use to run in front of my eyes...My parents who I had left back in pune when I chose my profession over them, my sister ,my brother, my 1 room kitchen apartment in the busiest chawl in pune, full of hustle bustle and laughter. Very often wondering if the choices in my life made me happy or sad.
Today was one of the lucky days where I could squeeze in a breather at Barista. Facing the marine drive decorated with excited children and blushing couples. I ordered for the usual Café Latte ,noticing the small kid on the piggy back ride on his father. It somehow gave me a feeling of void in my heart with a tinge of envy for the kid. I paused on my father’s frame in the imaginary video film in my mind and tried zooming on the smile on his younger face. My vision was interrupted by the waiter. He asked me to order for something else since Café latte was unavailable. I could’ve simply ordered for Cappuccino or something else, but I simply snapped at him and asked for his manager. My frustration had more to do with the void in my heart than the menu available. Café Latte was made available to me but the triumph feeling did nothing to my feeling of loneliness.
The piggy back ride was over for the kid, so I turned my face to notice the waiter who had just being yelled at because of me. I then noticed he was an elderly man, which was surprising in Barista. He smiled at me, a very peculiar smile; there was something soothing about it. I asked him to come over, he obeyed. I then apologised for my behaviour,” I’ve had a very rough day, I am really sorry to venting it out on you!” He simply said” My daughter does the same thing to me”. He just compared me with his daughter; it just made me a little uncomfortable for no obvious reason. “Oh...is she of my age?” I enquired, “She is just your age and as innocent and confused as you are”.”Huh??” I was a little taken aback. “Well I am lawyer, so it alone proves that I am neither innocent nor confused”. Sipping on my prize, my Café Latte I was getting all snobby and pompous as I had just mentioned my profession to a mere waiter. “Innocence is lost when you don’t miss being innocent”. He was still smiling, a ‘know it all’ kind of a smile. I did not want to interrupt him, he continued saying “My daughter needed more space to start her own family so I just have moved out of our home with my wife to a small room”. “You mean she just took over your house and asked you to leave? Is that house under your name?” I deal with such cases everyday in the court where a father sues his child or vice versa. “Oh no... I moved out on my own, I am very happy for her, she is going to start a family where I had done once”. He did genuinely seem happy; I could see it in his eyes. Suddenly a guilty feeling engulfed me for no reason, I had not pushed my father out of his house why am I feeling guilty but then again definitely left him alone when I chose my career over him, but I support him, I send him cheques . I was defending my self in the court of my own. I changed the topic to make my self feel better.” Is she at least going to pay the rent of your house and support you? If not we can sue her for this.” His eyes widened with astonishment “Sue my own daughter, my little princess!!” MY LITTLE PRINCESS!! That is what my father use to call me!! My father with whom I converse only when I send him the monthly cheque. Was it enough?? But why am I asking my self this today? “I have spent my entire life to give her all the happiness in this world , now when she starts her life on her own you expect me to ruin it ?? ” He seemed so sure of what he was saying, there was nothing saintly about him but still for her he was ok working at a Barista coffee shop as a mere waiter at this age. “ But you have made her , whatever she is right now she is because of you, your sacrifices, your hard work , you compromises only for her happiness and well being. She has to be with you and not leave you working in some coffee shop at this age.”. He just smiled, in the same peculiar way and said “ So you do understand that , don’t you?”. “ Well of course, I …. ” . I suddenly felt short of words. I could not defend my case anymore. I did understand . I did know that money does not matter to my parents at this age. The monthly cheques are not what is going to make them happy. I could sense I had lost my case in my court.
I suddenly felt all of it , my father could have simply left me in the best of boarding school and send truck full of money every month. That wouldn’t have made me what I am right now. It was his love, his compassion, those piggy back rides, those trips to water kingdom and snake parks wouldn’t have been the same without him. It was his presence that mattered. It was my presence that is going to matter to my father. The waiter was still looking down upon me and smiling. The soothing smile. I remember where I had seen that smile before. It was on my father’s younger face when I was with him in the imaginary video film . Suddenly my cheeks could feel warm water trickling down. My eyes were burning when I tried closing them to hide the water works. My head was suddenly very light and spinning . I could now name the void in me , it was the void I have been carrying for past five years when I had left my parents house to become successful. It just did not seem worth it. I could not talk anymore. I asked him to get the bill for me. I paid and without a second glance at the waiter I rushed outside. I could not bear to see him smile.
That was the night when I decided to make everything right. I eventually shifted my base to Pune. I got a bigger place where my parents could move in with me and have all the luxuries in life and also enjoy it along with their daughter. The void was suddenly full. My life was full and happy. I could go home where someone was waiting for me to come. I would not trade even one time dinner with my family for anything in this world. I could see the peculiar smile everyday. It was broader and satisfied. I could see it.
I had been to Mumbai to collect my last pay cheque , it had been almost a month that I had been to Barista. I decided to meet the waiter and thank him for the drastic change in everybody’s lives, including my parents. He had to know what huge favour he had for me . I entered the place at around the same time in the evening. I was desperately looking for him. The waiter was not around. I enquired at the counter, the young fellow had no idea. I then called for his manager, he recognised me immediately. This time I was very polite “ Hi! You do remember me right ?” , there was an instant nod. “ Yes of course ma’am , you are regular customer here, we always get you what you want. How can I help you today?”. I was a little embarrassed by his statement, but nevertheless I asked for the old gentleman . “ Oh that guy, surprisingly he quit the same day he was hired. That was the only day her worked here! Is there a problem ?” . I was stunned! “ Ma’am is there a problem” he asked again. I simply nodded to say no, none at all.
How come he was hired on that particular day? Why did he quit ? That peculiar smile of my father’s on his face??… My little princess?? Everything seemed unnatural to me then. Who was he ? Someone who knew everything about me , what I was thinking when I was watching the kid on piggy back ride? What was that void in me? What was that one thing missing in my parent’s life? Why were there warm water trickling down my face?
I guess my mother was right. God does take time out in the evening after he closes the shutters of heaven to have a conversation with his loved ones.