1
APOSTOLI C CHRI STI AN
COUNSELI NG AND FAMI LY
SERVI CES
877- 370- 9988
www. ac c ouns el i ng. or g
Effective Workplace Effective Workplace
Communication and Conflict Communication and Conflict
Resolution Resolution
7 Keys to Effective Workplace
Communication and Conflict Resolution
Key #1: Focusing on the Goal:
Ensuring conflict generates light and not just
heat
Key #2: Understand the types of “High-Maintenance”
relationships
Key #3: Knowing “who” is responsible for “what”
when there is conflict
Key #4: Understanding levels of communication- Facts
vs. Feelings
Key #5: Understanding filters and barriers to effective
communication
Key #6: Being an assertive communicator
Key #7: Empathy, humility, and self-examination
7 keys to effective workplace communication
and conflict resolution cont.
Types of High-Maintenance Relationships
The Critic: Constantly complains and gives unwanted
advice
The Martyr: Forever the victim and wracked with
self-pity
The Wet Blanket: Pessimistic and automatically
negative
The Steamroller: Blindly insensitive to others
The Gossip: Spread rumors and leaks secrets
types of high-maintenance
relationships cont.
The Control Freak: Unable to let go and let be
The Backstabber: Irrepressibly two faced
The Cold Shoulder: Disengages and avoids contact
The Green-Eyed Monster: Seethes with envy
The Volcano: Builds steam and is ready to erupt
The Sponge: Constantly in need but gives nothing
back
types of high-maintenance
relationships cont.
The Competitor: Keeps track of tit for tat
The Workhorse: Always pushes and is never satisfied
The Flirt: Imparts innuendoes, which may border on
harassment
The Chameleon: Eager to please and avoids conflict
2
A Comparison of Non-Assertive,
Assertive and Aggressive Behavior
and The Consequences of Each
Passive Behavior Passive Behavior
Intent: To Please
Ignores/does not express own rights, needs, desires.
Permits others to infringe on rights.
Emotionally dishonest, indirect, inhibited.
Allows others to choose for him/her.
How you feel: Hurt, anxious, disappointed in self at the
time and possibly angry later.
Outcome: Does not achieve desired goal(s).
Payoff: Avoids unpleasant and risky situations, avoids
conflict, tension, confrontation. Does not get needs met.
Accumulates anger. Feels non-valued.
Passive Aggressive Behavior
Intent: I’ll get you
Expects others to know their needs, desires, and
feelings.
Permits others to infringe on their rights then
becomes angry and wants to get back.
Emotionally confusing, avoids, distracts when on the
spot, gets back later, uses sarcasm or gallows humor.
How you feel: Self-righteous, vindictive, “got ya”, and
need to justify behavior.
Outcome: Achieves desired goal(s), but leaves others
hurt or uneasy.
Payoff: Feels vindicated, smug, or smarter than others.
Feels others are fools.
Aggressive Behavior Aggressive Behavior
Intent: To dominate or humiliate
Expresses own rights at expense of others.
Inappropriate outbursts or hostile overreaction, intent
to humiliate, to “get even,” to put down the other.
Emotionally honest, direct, expressive at other’s
expense.
Chooses for others.
How you feel: Angry, then righteous, superior,
depreciatory at the time, possibly guilty later.
Outcome: Achieves desired goal(s) by hurting others.
Payoff: Saving up anger, resentment, justifies blow-up, an
emotional outburst, “to get even, get back at.”
Assertive Behavior Assertive Behavior
Intent: To communicate
Expresses and asserts own rights, needs, and desires.
Stands up for legitimate rights in a way that rights of
others are not violated.
Emotionally honest, direct, expressive.
Chooses for self
How you feel: Confident, self-respecting, feels good and
self at the time and later.
Outcome: May achieve desired goal(s).
Payoff: Feels good, valued by self and others. Feels better
about self; improves self-confidence; needs are met;
relationships are freer more honest.
Communication
3
Ineffective Communication
Speaker Listener Technique
Rules for the Speaker
Speak for yourself, don’t mind read!
Keep statements brief. Don’t go on and on.
Stop to let the listener paraphrase.
Rules for the Listener
Paraphrase what you hear.
Focus on the speaker’s message. Don’t rebut.
Rules for Both
The speaker has the floor.
Speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases.
Share the floor.
Hearing What’s Not Being Said
Look for. . .
Body Language
Observe facial expressions, how the speaker uses his or
her hands, posture and movements.
Eye Contact
Looking around while speaking may indicate that the
speaker wishes to end the conversation with you.
Tone of Voice
Does it match the words?
Be Completely Present
Be free from prejudgments or extraneous thoughts.
Tips for Communicating Effectively
With Your Boss
Prepare and write down topics you like to discuss.
Be clear about what you want/need from your boss.
Rehearse what you want to say.
Use qualifying words (“perhaps” and “maybe” instead
of “always”, “every”, “all the time”, and “never”).
Make “I” statements, instead of “you” statements
Avoid going to your boss when you’re emotional.
Talk to your boss before issues become heated and
you become emotionally involved.
tips for communicating effectively
with your boss cont.
Be an active listener
Repeat and rephrase the points you boss makes.
Practice good body language.
Be assertive, not aggressive.
Keep an open mind and be open to compromise.
Avoid gossiping or spreading rumors to your boss.
Have a positive attitude.
Give your boss praise and recognition when due.
Communicate regularly and maintain a comfortable
relationship.
4
Teamwork & Boundaries
Introduction to Boundaries
Boundaries separate what is your ______ from what
is not.
Boundaries are ______ they are not inborn.
Boundaries are designed to let the ______ in and
keep the ______ out.
If you do not maintain your boundaries, they will
______.
The best example of healthy boundaries was ______.
Common Boundary Problems
in the Workplace
Disagreements due to different workplace values and
goals
Taking on the responsibilities of others
(Overfunctioning).
Not putting good effort into your work
(Underfunctioning).
Role conflicts with coworkers and supervisors
Playing the 50/50 game.
Taking your work stress home or bringing your home
stress to work.
common boundary problems in the
workplace cont.
Letting poor attitudes prevail
Communicating indirectly and using triangles.
Taking criticism too personally and/or making criticism
too personal
Shortcutting established procedures because you do
not want to do it all.
Not prioritizing tasks.
Overloading of work responsibilities by supervisors.
Identifying Preferences, House Rules,
Norms and Absolutes
Preferences: Preferences are personal choices that everyone has the
right to make. Examples include: Your favorte color, food, or way to
relax. You cannot really say that someone’s preference is wrong. You
may disagree, but neither of you is wrong.
House Rules: House rules are determined by an organization like a
family. What is a rule in one family may not be rule for another family.
However, the members of each family must abide by the rules of the
house where they live. Example: Curfew in house “A” is 10:00 p.m.
Curfew in house “B” is 10:30. These rules are different but neither
house is wrong. Children in house “A” must be in by 10:00 p.m.
regardless of the curfew in house “B.”
identifying preferences, house rules, norms
and absolutes cont.
Organizational Norms: Organizational norms are created by
organizations and groups such as churches, businesses and professional
associations. The organization creating a house rule may determine
standards pertaining to conduct, dress, and participation or
nonparticipation in activities. The organization creating a norm may also
set standards for when and where these house rules are in effect.
Absolutes: Absolutes are defined in Scripture and are true for all
people, at all times, and at all places. For example, “Though shalt not
commit adultery” is an absolute. We know it is not a preference, house
rule, or organizational norm because absolutes are not personal
opinions or acceptable in some families or groups and not in others.
5
COMMON COMMUNI CATI ON TRAPS
Understanding Triangles
Person A
Person C
Person B
Healthy Communication Loop
Godly,
appropriate
Communication
Person A
Person C Person B
Unhealthy Triangle #1
Broken
Communicati
on
“Messenge
r”
Person A
Person C Person B
Unhealthy Triangle #2
Broken
Communicati
on
Broken
Communicati
on
Coalition
Against
A
WHAT ARE WE REALLY TALKING
ABOUT?
Events and Issues
Event or Topic
Hidden Issues
6
Separating Events from Issues
There are two layers to most conversations:
Events – the topic at hand
Issues – the “under-the-surface” feelings,
meanings, and goals
Always seek to communicate on the same issue.
Many conflicts are never solved because the people talking
are actually arguing about different hidden issues.
It is a loving act (though often a challenge) to work at
understanding why another person is reacting to an issue
the way he or she is.
SCRI PTURAL DI RECTI ON
&
BI BLI CAL PRI NCI PLES
Dealing with Conflict
It Happens: Even In the Best Relationships
Occasional conflict in relationships is both normal and
inevitable.
However, how you handle conflict (submitting
yourselves to the flesh or the spirit) determines
whether it harms your relationship or helps you to
grow.
John 16:33“These things I have spoken unto you, that in
me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have
tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the
world.”
Active Listening Is Important
Active listening is a key skill to understanding each other
and in dealing with conflict.
James 1:19-20“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every
man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the
wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”
Proverbs 29:20 “Seest thou a man that is hasty in his
words? There is more hope of a fool than of him.”
Consequences of not actively listening!
Watch What You Say
Avoid speaking quickly and angrily. Criticism, sarcasm,
and put-downs are hurtful to your relationships.
Proverbs 29:11 “A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise
man keepeth it in till afterwards.”
Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupt communication proceed
out of your mouth, but that which is good to use of
edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but
grievous words stir up anger.”
7
Honesty, Truthfulness, & Love
Working through conflict successfully takes honest and
truthful communication done in a loving manner.
Ephesians 4:15 “But speaking the truth in love, may grow
up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ.”
Deal With Anger Appropriately
Deal with anger and hurt proactively. Don’t deny it,
“stuff ” it, or let it turn to bitterness.
Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the
sun go down upon your wrath: neither give place to the
devil.”
Hebrews 12:15“Looking diligently lest any man fail of
the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up
trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.”
Forgiveness is Essential
The ongoing practice of seeking forgiveness and being
forgiving is essential to a healthy, Christ-centered
relationship.
Ephesians 4:32 “And be ye kind one to another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for
Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
1 Peter 3:8-9 “Finally, be ye all of one mind, having
compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be
courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing:
but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto
called, that ye should inherit a blessing.”
Acceptance & Forbearance
Accept that you will not agree on everything.
Forbearance is an act of love.
Colossians 3:12-14 “Put on therefore, as the elect of
God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness,
humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing
one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a
quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do
ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the
bond of perfectness.”
No Magic Formula to Resolving Conflict
No right answer exists for every situation.
Match your response to the needs of the situation and
the other person.
Sometimes remaining silent or saying few words is best
while other situations will require loving confrontation.
Steps of Good Problem Solving
When you have an issue that isn’t solved through
communication alone, go through the steps below.
For minor issues, you can move through the steps fairly
quickly.
For emotionally charged, difficult issues you should
move through the steps slowly and deliberately.
1. Find an appropriate time and setting to discuss the
issue (Ecc. 3:1)
2. Decide what issue is going to be discussed. Don’t
switch topics mid-conversation.
8
steps of good problem solving cont.
3. Define the problem clearly - from both points of view
4. State what you can agree on
5. Brainstorm together for possible solutions
6. With an attitude of mutual submission, summarize,
compromise, and agree upon a plan of action to try
7. Pray to God for help to take the necessary steps and
to make progress
Use the James 1:19-20 Model
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be
swift to hear,
slow to speak,
slow to wrath:
For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of
God.”
Be Swift to Hear
When working through a conflict, remember that the
other person wants to be listened to and understood
just as much as you do.
Research indicates that 80% of relationship conflicts can
be resolved simply by using good communication and
listening skills.
2
“Using” good communications skills is very different
from just “knowing about” them.
be swift to hear cont.
Listening to each other and trying to understand where
the other person is coming from is a good way to show
love, honor, and submission to each other
Romans 12:10 “Be kindly affectioned one to another
with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another.”
Ephesians 5:21 “Submitting yourselves one to another in
the fear of God.”
Soften Your Start-Ups
4
Research shows that 96% of the time you can predict the
outcome of a conversation during the first three minutes
of talking!
This means that harsh words spoken early in a
conversation can doom the discussion to turn into
destructive conflict.
When entering difficult or tense conversations, don’t use
inflammatory words, keep your voice tone steady, and the
volume moderate.
Be Slow to Speak
The words we speak when frustrated or angry often hurt
others deeply and leave us feeling regret.
Remember that when you hurt your spouse or others,
you hurt yourself.
Ephesians 5:28-29 “So ought men to love their wives as
their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For
no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and
cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are
members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.”
9
be slow to speak cont.
Many people think that they need to “vent” their anger
in order to deal with it.
However, venting often leads us to “spew out” words
and actions that are neither Godly nor healthy.
As our tension level goes up, our ability to think clearly
and solve problems effectively GOES DOWN.
Rate Your Level of Anger/Tension
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Green Zone Yellow Zone Red Zone
Moderate
Tension
High
Tension
Calm
Peaceful
be slow to speak cont.
Many individuals try to work through their most
difficult problems when they are in the Red Zone!!
No wonder why these conversations fail.
Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the
sun go down upon your wrath: neither give place to the
devil.”
Satan has a much harder time of getting an advantage
with us when we deal with anger appropriately!
be slow to speak cont.
If your level of tension is in the Red Zone (7-10), don’t try
to talk out any problems right now.
Take steps to calm down such as going for a walk, writing
out your feelings, working in your garden, and taking deep
breaths.
If you are in the Yellow Zone (4-6), be aware that you can
quickly move into the Red Zone (7-10), so pay attention
and work to stay calm.
Ideally, we would always talk to each other from the Green
Zone (1-3) with a prayer on our heart and with the other
person’s best interest in mind.
Be Slow to Wrath
When conflicts occur, pray!
Ask for God’s help in dealing with your feelings,
understanding the other person, and sharing your feelings.
Anger is often referred to as a secondary emotion
because it comes as a result of another issue.
When you are angered by something, try to identify
which of the following categories likely triggered the
anger.
Triggers for Anger
Emotional Hurt (embarrassment, rejection, etc.)
Frustration
Fear
Physical Pain
Injustice/Sin (Righteous anger)
10
triggers for anger cont.
Identify the source of your anger so that you can
deal with the root issues rather that just the
symptoms. For example:
1. Were you embarrassed by someone?
2. Frustrated because of a missed deadline?
References
1. Thurman, C. (1999). The Lies We Believe. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.
2. Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., & Blumberg, S.L. (1994). Fighting for your
marriage: Positive steps for a loving and lasting relationship. San
Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
3. Wright, H. (2000). Communication: key to your marriage.
Ventura, CA: Regal Books.
4. Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making
marriage work. Three Rivers Press: New York.
5. Stanley, S.M., Trathen, D., McCain, S., & Bryan, M. (1998). A lasting
promise: A Christian guide to fighting for your marriage. San
Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
6. Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., Blumberg, S.L., Jenkins, N.H., & Whiteley,
C. (2004). 12 hours to a great marriage: A step-by-step guide for
making love last. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
doc_326422283.pdf
APOSTOLI C CHRI STI AN
COUNSELI NG AND FAMI LY
SERVI CES
877- 370- 9988
www. ac c ouns el i ng. or g
Effective Workplace Effective Workplace
Communication and Conflict Communication and Conflict
Resolution Resolution
7 Keys to Effective Workplace
Communication and Conflict Resolution
Key #1: Focusing on the Goal:
Ensuring conflict generates light and not just
heat
Key #2: Understand the types of “High-Maintenance”
relationships
Key #3: Knowing “who” is responsible for “what”
when there is conflict
Key #4: Understanding levels of communication- Facts
vs. Feelings
Key #5: Understanding filters and barriers to effective
communication
Key #6: Being an assertive communicator
Key #7: Empathy, humility, and self-examination
7 keys to effective workplace communication
and conflict resolution cont.
Types of High-Maintenance Relationships
The Critic: Constantly complains and gives unwanted
advice
The Martyr: Forever the victim and wracked with
self-pity
The Wet Blanket: Pessimistic and automatically
negative
The Steamroller: Blindly insensitive to others
The Gossip: Spread rumors and leaks secrets
types of high-maintenance
relationships cont.
The Control Freak: Unable to let go and let be
The Backstabber: Irrepressibly two faced
The Cold Shoulder: Disengages and avoids contact
The Green-Eyed Monster: Seethes with envy
The Volcano: Builds steam and is ready to erupt
The Sponge: Constantly in need but gives nothing
back
types of high-maintenance
relationships cont.
The Competitor: Keeps track of tit for tat
The Workhorse: Always pushes and is never satisfied
The Flirt: Imparts innuendoes, which may border on
harassment
The Chameleon: Eager to please and avoids conflict
2
A Comparison of Non-Assertive,
Assertive and Aggressive Behavior
and The Consequences of Each
Passive Behavior Passive Behavior
Intent: To Please
Ignores/does not express own rights, needs, desires.
Permits others to infringe on rights.
Emotionally dishonest, indirect, inhibited.
Allows others to choose for him/her.
How you feel: Hurt, anxious, disappointed in self at the
time and possibly angry later.
Outcome: Does not achieve desired goal(s).
Payoff: Avoids unpleasant and risky situations, avoids
conflict, tension, confrontation. Does not get needs met.
Accumulates anger. Feels non-valued.
Passive Aggressive Behavior
Intent: I’ll get you
Expects others to know their needs, desires, and
feelings.
Permits others to infringe on their rights then
becomes angry and wants to get back.
Emotionally confusing, avoids, distracts when on the
spot, gets back later, uses sarcasm or gallows humor.
How you feel: Self-righteous, vindictive, “got ya”, and
need to justify behavior.
Outcome: Achieves desired goal(s), but leaves others
hurt or uneasy.
Payoff: Feels vindicated, smug, or smarter than others.
Feels others are fools.
Aggressive Behavior Aggressive Behavior
Intent: To dominate or humiliate
Expresses own rights at expense of others.
Inappropriate outbursts or hostile overreaction, intent
to humiliate, to “get even,” to put down the other.
Emotionally honest, direct, expressive at other’s
expense.
Chooses for others.
How you feel: Angry, then righteous, superior,
depreciatory at the time, possibly guilty later.
Outcome: Achieves desired goal(s) by hurting others.
Payoff: Saving up anger, resentment, justifies blow-up, an
emotional outburst, “to get even, get back at.”
Assertive Behavior Assertive Behavior
Intent: To communicate
Expresses and asserts own rights, needs, and desires.
Stands up for legitimate rights in a way that rights of
others are not violated.
Emotionally honest, direct, expressive.
Chooses for self
How you feel: Confident, self-respecting, feels good and
self at the time and later.
Outcome: May achieve desired goal(s).
Payoff: Feels good, valued by self and others. Feels better
about self; improves self-confidence; needs are met;
relationships are freer more honest.
Communication
3
Ineffective Communication
Speaker Listener Technique
Rules for the Speaker
Speak for yourself, don’t mind read!
Keep statements brief. Don’t go on and on.
Stop to let the listener paraphrase.
Rules for the Listener
Paraphrase what you hear.
Focus on the speaker’s message. Don’t rebut.
Rules for Both
The speaker has the floor.
Speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases.
Share the floor.
Hearing What’s Not Being Said
Look for. . .
Body Language
Observe facial expressions, how the speaker uses his or
her hands, posture and movements.
Eye Contact
Looking around while speaking may indicate that the
speaker wishes to end the conversation with you.
Tone of Voice
Does it match the words?
Be Completely Present
Be free from prejudgments or extraneous thoughts.
Tips for Communicating Effectively
With Your Boss
Prepare and write down topics you like to discuss.
Be clear about what you want/need from your boss.
Rehearse what you want to say.
Use qualifying words (“perhaps” and “maybe” instead
of “always”, “every”, “all the time”, and “never”).
Make “I” statements, instead of “you” statements
Avoid going to your boss when you’re emotional.
Talk to your boss before issues become heated and
you become emotionally involved.
tips for communicating effectively
with your boss cont.
Be an active listener
Repeat and rephrase the points you boss makes.
Practice good body language.
Be assertive, not aggressive.
Keep an open mind and be open to compromise.
Avoid gossiping or spreading rumors to your boss.
Have a positive attitude.
Give your boss praise and recognition when due.
Communicate regularly and maintain a comfortable
relationship.
4
Teamwork & Boundaries
Introduction to Boundaries
Boundaries separate what is your ______ from what
is not.
Boundaries are ______ they are not inborn.
Boundaries are designed to let the ______ in and
keep the ______ out.
If you do not maintain your boundaries, they will
______.
The best example of healthy boundaries was ______.
Common Boundary Problems
in the Workplace
Disagreements due to different workplace values and
goals
Taking on the responsibilities of others
(Overfunctioning).
Not putting good effort into your work
(Underfunctioning).
Role conflicts with coworkers and supervisors
Playing the 50/50 game.
Taking your work stress home or bringing your home
stress to work.
common boundary problems in the
workplace cont.
Letting poor attitudes prevail
Communicating indirectly and using triangles.
Taking criticism too personally and/or making criticism
too personal
Shortcutting established procedures because you do
not want to do it all.
Not prioritizing tasks.
Overloading of work responsibilities by supervisors.
Identifying Preferences, House Rules,
Norms and Absolutes
Preferences: Preferences are personal choices that everyone has the
right to make. Examples include: Your favorte color, food, or way to
relax. You cannot really say that someone’s preference is wrong. You
may disagree, but neither of you is wrong.
House Rules: House rules are determined by an organization like a
family. What is a rule in one family may not be rule for another family.
However, the members of each family must abide by the rules of the
house where they live. Example: Curfew in house “A” is 10:00 p.m.
Curfew in house “B” is 10:30. These rules are different but neither
house is wrong. Children in house “A” must be in by 10:00 p.m.
regardless of the curfew in house “B.”
identifying preferences, house rules, norms
and absolutes cont.
Organizational Norms: Organizational norms are created by
organizations and groups such as churches, businesses and professional
associations. The organization creating a house rule may determine
standards pertaining to conduct, dress, and participation or
nonparticipation in activities. The organization creating a norm may also
set standards for when and where these house rules are in effect.
Absolutes: Absolutes are defined in Scripture and are true for all
people, at all times, and at all places. For example, “Though shalt not
commit adultery” is an absolute. We know it is not a preference, house
rule, or organizational norm because absolutes are not personal
opinions or acceptable in some families or groups and not in others.
5
COMMON COMMUNI CATI ON TRAPS
Understanding Triangles
Person A
Person C
Person B
Healthy Communication Loop
Godly,
appropriate
Communication
Person A
Person C Person B
Unhealthy Triangle #1
Broken
Communicati
on
“Messenge
r”
Person A
Person C Person B
Unhealthy Triangle #2
Broken
Communicati
on
Broken
Communicati
on
Coalition
Against
A
WHAT ARE WE REALLY TALKING
ABOUT?
Events and Issues
Event or Topic
Hidden Issues
6
Separating Events from Issues
There are two layers to most conversations:
Events – the topic at hand
Issues – the “under-the-surface” feelings,
meanings, and goals
Always seek to communicate on the same issue.
Many conflicts are never solved because the people talking
are actually arguing about different hidden issues.
It is a loving act (though often a challenge) to work at
understanding why another person is reacting to an issue
the way he or she is.
SCRI PTURAL DI RECTI ON
&
BI BLI CAL PRI NCI PLES
Dealing with Conflict
It Happens: Even In the Best Relationships
Occasional conflict in relationships is both normal and
inevitable.
However, how you handle conflict (submitting
yourselves to the flesh or the spirit) determines
whether it harms your relationship or helps you to
grow.
John 16:33“These things I have spoken unto you, that in
me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have
tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the
world.”
Active Listening Is Important
Active listening is a key skill to understanding each other
and in dealing with conflict.
James 1:19-20“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every
man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the
wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”
Proverbs 29:20 “Seest thou a man that is hasty in his
words? There is more hope of a fool than of him.”
Consequences of not actively listening!
Watch What You Say
Avoid speaking quickly and angrily. Criticism, sarcasm,
and put-downs are hurtful to your relationships.
Proverbs 29:11 “A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise
man keepeth it in till afterwards.”
Ephesians 4:29 “Let no corrupt communication proceed
out of your mouth, but that which is good to use of
edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.”
Proverbs 15:1 “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but
grievous words stir up anger.”
7
Honesty, Truthfulness, & Love
Working through conflict successfully takes honest and
truthful communication done in a loving manner.
Ephesians 4:15 “But speaking the truth in love, may grow
up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ.”
Deal With Anger Appropriately
Deal with anger and hurt proactively. Don’t deny it,
“stuff ” it, or let it turn to bitterness.
Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the
sun go down upon your wrath: neither give place to the
devil.”
Hebrews 12:15“Looking diligently lest any man fail of
the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up
trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.”
Forgiveness is Essential
The ongoing practice of seeking forgiveness and being
forgiving is essential to a healthy, Christ-centered
relationship.
Ephesians 4:32 “And be ye kind one to another,
tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for
Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
1 Peter 3:8-9 “Finally, be ye all of one mind, having
compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be
courteous: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing:
but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto
called, that ye should inherit a blessing.”
Acceptance & Forbearance
Accept that you will not agree on everything.
Forbearance is an act of love.
Colossians 3:12-14 “Put on therefore, as the elect of
God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness,
humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing
one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a
quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do
ye. And above all these things put on charity, which is the
bond of perfectness.”
No Magic Formula to Resolving Conflict
No right answer exists for every situation.
Match your response to the needs of the situation and
the other person.
Sometimes remaining silent or saying few words is best
while other situations will require loving confrontation.
Steps of Good Problem Solving
When you have an issue that isn’t solved through
communication alone, go through the steps below.
For minor issues, you can move through the steps fairly
quickly.
For emotionally charged, difficult issues you should
move through the steps slowly and deliberately.
1. Find an appropriate time and setting to discuss the
issue (Ecc. 3:1)
2. Decide what issue is going to be discussed. Don’t
switch topics mid-conversation.
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steps of good problem solving cont.
3. Define the problem clearly - from both points of view
4. State what you can agree on
5. Brainstorm together for possible solutions
6. With an attitude of mutual submission, summarize,
compromise, and agree upon a plan of action to try
7. Pray to God for help to take the necessary steps and
to make progress
Use the James 1:19-20 Model
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be
swift to hear,
slow to speak,
slow to wrath:
For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of
God.”
Be Swift to Hear
When working through a conflict, remember that the
other person wants to be listened to and understood
just as much as you do.
Research indicates that 80% of relationship conflicts can
be resolved simply by using good communication and
listening skills.
2
“Using” good communications skills is very different
from just “knowing about” them.
be swift to hear cont.
Listening to each other and trying to understand where
the other person is coming from is a good way to show
love, honor, and submission to each other
Romans 12:10 “Be kindly affectioned one to another
with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another.”
Ephesians 5:21 “Submitting yourselves one to another in
the fear of God.”
Soften Your Start-Ups
4
Research shows that 96% of the time you can predict the
outcome of a conversation during the first three minutes
of talking!
This means that harsh words spoken early in a
conversation can doom the discussion to turn into
destructive conflict.
When entering difficult or tense conversations, don’t use
inflammatory words, keep your voice tone steady, and the
volume moderate.
Be Slow to Speak
The words we speak when frustrated or angry often hurt
others deeply and leave us feeling regret.
Remember that when you hurt your spouse or others,
you hurt yourself.
Ephesians 5:28-29 “So ought men to love their wives as
their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For
no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and
cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are
members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.”
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be slow to speak cont.
Many people think that they need to “vent” their anger
in order to deal with it.
However, venting often leads us to “spew out” words
and actions that are neither Godly nor healthy.
As our tension level goes up, our ability to think clearly
and solve problems effectively GOES DOWN.
Rate Your Level of Anger/Tension
0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Green Zone Yellow Zone Red Zone
Moderate
Tension
High
Tension
Calm
Peaceful
be slow to speak cont.
Many individuals try to work through their most
difficult problems when they are in the Red Zone!!
No wonder why these conversations fail.
Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the
sun go down upon your wrath: neither give place to the
devil.”
Satan has a much harder time of getting an advantage
with us when we deal with anger appropriately!
be slow to speak cont.
If your level of tension is in the Red Zone (7-10), don’t try
to talk out any problems right now.
Take steps to calm down such as going for a walk, writing
out your feelings, working in your garden, and taking deep
breaths.
If you are in the Yellow Zone (4-6), be aware that you can
quickly move into the Red Zone (7-10), so pay attention
and work to stay calm.
Ideally, we would always talk to each other from the Green
Zone (1-3) with a prayer on our heart and with the other
person’s best interest in mind.
Be Slow to Wrath
When conflicts occur, pray!
Ask for God’s help in dealing with your feelings,
understanding the other person, and sharing your feelings.
Anger is often referred to as a secondary emotion
because it comes as a result of another issue.
When you are angered by something, try to identify
which of the following categories likely triggered the
anger.
Triggers for Anger
Emotional Hurt (embarrassment, rejection, etc.)
Frustration
Fear
Physical Pain
Injustice/Sin (Righteous anger)
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triggers for anger cont.
Identify the source of your anger so that you can
deal with the root issues rather that just the
symptoms. For example:
1. Were you embarrassed by someone?
2. Frustrated because of a missed deadline?
References
1. Thurman, C. (1999). The Lies We Believe. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.
2. Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., & Blumberg, S.L. (1994). Fighting for your
marriage: Positive steps for a loving and lasting relationship. San
Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
3. Wright, H. (2000). Communication: key to your marriage.
Ventura, CA: Regal Books.
4. Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making
marriage work. Three Rivers Press: New York.
5. Stanley, S.M., Trathen, D., McCain, S., & Bryan, M. (1998). A lasting
promise: A Christian guide to fighting for your marriage. San
Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
6. Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., Blumberg, S.L., Jenkins, N.H., & Whiteley,
C. (2004). 12 hours to a great marriage: A step-by-step guide for
making love last. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.
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