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Business one-liners 07 After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. Aiming for the least common...

Business one-liners 06 A stagnant science is at a standstill. A theory is better than its explanation. A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. Ability is a...

Business one-liners 05 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants. A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth. A penny saved has not been spent. A penny saved...

Business one-liners 04 A good scapegoat is hard to find. A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years. A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem. A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. A little humility is...

Business one-liners 03 A day without sunshine is like night. A disagreeable task is its own reward. A donkey is a horse designed by a study team. A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. A flying particle will seek the nearest eye. A fool and his money are soon elected. A fool and his...

Business one-liners 02 A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle A committee is twelve men doing the work of one. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes...

Business one-liners 01 A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense. A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work. A bird in the...

Wife: What about my new TV? Husband: Variable not found… Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied… Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband: Too many parameters… Wife: It...

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer. Husband: (Returning late from work) “Good Evening Dear, I’m now logged in.” Wife: Have you brought the grocery? Husband: Bad command or file name. Wife: But I told you in the morning...

anager: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?” Staff: “A little. What’s wrong sir?” Manager: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.” Staff: “How did you load the sheet?” Manager: “I...

t's Not What You Know John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the US Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930s. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organising civilian police forces in...

Drum Up Business Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback to see if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines. Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents. The first said, "No...

Native American Indian In Cafe An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee". The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down...

Applied Mathematics The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do...

The Pheasant And The Bull A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy." 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. 'They're packed with...

In 1998 a business magazine ran a contest asking for Dilbert-like quotes from people who had real-life Dilbert-like managers. Here are some of the winners. 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next...

Early Retirement Due to the financial situation within the farming industry, the Government has decided to place all farmers over the age of 60 on an early retirement scheme. The scheme (Retire Agricultural Personnel Early) will be known as RAPE. Persons selected to be RAPED can apply for...

I Hate My Job Day When you have an "I hate my job" day try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw...

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was...

Differences Between You And Your Boss 1. When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. 2. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. 3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your...