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Three women sit in a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!" "I know!" the next woman says, "Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house, but when I...

Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local strip club for his birthday. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."...

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives. The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door." The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones." The...

A beautiful princess comes upon a frog in a meadow near her castle. The frog hops into the princess' lap and says, "My lady, one kiss from you, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I once was, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in yon castle with my...

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the...

After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over. "You know," says the police man, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?" "Last week my wife ran off with a police man," the man said...

A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes. The man says, "You and I should spend some time in...

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend. They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so...

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, eats your food, messes up your stuff, takes, your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place...

Q: How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly? A: Unzip it. Q: What's the thinnest book in the world? A: "What Men Know About Women." Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead? A: She unties you. Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women? A: Opposites attract.

Q: How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly? A: Unzip it. Q: What's the thinnest book in the world? A: "What Men Know About Women." Q: How do you know when you've satisfied a redhead? A: She unties you. Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women? A: Opposites attract.

Q: How do you know if a woman is ticklish? A: Give her a test tickle.

Q: What has a hard dome and sticks out of a man's pajamas? A: His head.

Q: What's hairy on the outside, wet on inside, starts with a "c" and ends in a "t'? A: A coconut -- and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Height of Lazines A boy lying on a naked girl waiting for an earthquake.

Man to wife: ''Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting!'' Wife: ''They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!'' Man: ''Nothing is that freakin' funny!!'''

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had...

When is a woman above a man? When the kitchen is upstairs!

Son: ''Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'' Dad: ''Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.''

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic...