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small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?" "Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once." "Whom did you marry?" the lawyer demanded. "Well, a woman," the witness answered timidly. The lawyer said angrily, "Of...

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it." "Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"...

A man walks into a bar, and orders a drink. A few minutes later, he says to no one in particular, "All lawyers are assholes." The fellow next to him lit into him. "How dare you just stereotypically categorize all lawyers as assholes? How have you missed that it's just not okay to cast...

Two doctors were discussing a case in a mental ward. The first doctor asked what had triggered such a profound depressive psychosis in the patient. The second one answered, "He's a lawyer. One day at home, he started to think about how much money he'd screwed his partners and clients out of...

A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful. "For example," the Judge said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket. Then I...

A woman was suing a man for defamation of character, charging that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial, he asked the Judge, "Does this mean that I can't call Miss Stuart a pig?" The Judge said that was accurate. "Does this also mean that I can't call a...

Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary. One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child...

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the...

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You , attorney Leon; gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his...

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you...

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question. "Isn't it true that you...

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Nothing", the man responds, "this turtle is...

The 5 Stages of Drunkenness Stage 1 - SMART: This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking...

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood. "Shertainly!" said the...

A man whose son was crushed to death by a soda vending machine has filed a $500,000 wrongful-death lawsuit against the company that manufactured the machine. The 27-year-old man apparently rocked the machine, which fell, pinning him against a wall and crushing his chest. The father decided to...

About four years ago David Weinlick, 28, Minneapolis, got tired of people asking him when he was going to get married, so he started to answer, "June 13, 1998." It became part of his shtick. Only one thing is missing from his upcoming wedding: a bride. Potential brides are invited to attend...

A custody battle in Santa Ana, CA, took an unusual turn when the mother of a 3-year-old girl claimed the girl`s father is actually a woman. Kristie Vecchione, 27, said her husband became a man through sex-change operations more than 20 years ago. Vecchione, who was impregnated by artificial...

Three dead bodies of Indian politicians turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The medical examiner calls the police to show them what has happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken to the first body. "He was a BJP leader, 65 years of age, died of heart...

George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that`s them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We`re planning...

A major traffic jam was preventing people from moving forward. A motorist shouted out wanting to know what was happening. A guy from the front replied, "Well at the traffic crossing Laloo Yadav is sprawled across the road. He is refusing to move from there!" "But why?" "He has lost the elections...