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Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.....lolzzzz

A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here". A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

Q: Why was the leper caught speeding? A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. Never happens.`

How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran

Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up.

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors