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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: Why are you late Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School ahead. Go slow." TEACHER: John, why...

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down, Leroy." All the children rush to find...

A wife comes home early to find her husband in bed with a strange woman. She says, "That's it, I'm leaving & never coming back." He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?" She shrugs & says, "Fine, let's hear your story. This had better be good!" He says, "Well, I'm driving...

The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in...

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for many years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but...

We were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. I said "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and...

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified to look at...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the hu sband...

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man...

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she...

Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Your Desk - Abbie Barbley 10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to!" 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here...

Consider these three thoughts - (1) Zero Gravity When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity...

Many people are unaware how much the ability to spell correctly is overrated. Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in...

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman...

A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional. "But," said the guy from Tech, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There's one place where...

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench close by begins to ring with a deafening and highly irritating Rap Tune. Someone screams, "Turn that thing off before I throw it in the shower room!" The man nearest to the phone reaches over. He engages the hands-free...

For the young, Red Skelton was a marvelous comic back in the 1950s. As you will see, his humor is timeless. These lines are from the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four-letter word 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and...

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" To which the lady replied, "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."