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Employer Speak Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait...

Everything I Need To Know I Learned In Corporate America 1. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. 4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain. 5...

Quotes Taken From Performance Reports Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. I would not allow this associate to breed. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a...

For All You Dilberts Out There (The New Management Speak) MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting. TRANSLATION: I disagree. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree." TRANSLATION: "I disagree." MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you. TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care...

How To Handle A Rejection Letter [Date Today] Dear [Interviewer's Name]: Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in...

Greg's Job Application NAME: Greg B DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package...

How To Handle Stress 1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out 2. Use your MasterCard to pay your VISA bill. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4. When someone says, "Have a nice day!", tell them you have other plans. 5. During your next meeting, sneeze and...

How To Be A Bank Robber PICK THE RIGHT BANK You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. STUDY YOUR HISTORY Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse...

How to Know You're Dating A Consultant 10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "preliminary assessment period." 9. Talks to the waiter about process flows when dinner arrives late. 8. Takes a half-day at the office on Sunday because "Sunday is your day." 7. Congratulates your...

Prison vs. Work IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good...

IF ARCHITECTS HAD TO WORK LIKE PROGRAMMERS Please design and build me a house. I am not sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you...

Job Titles and Descriptions CEO: Leaps tall buildings on a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives Policy to God Project Manager: Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a...

The New Employee Interview Guide Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs...

Professional Characteristics Why won't sharks attack brokers?....professional courtesy. ------------------------------ A traveler wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialised in human brains differentiated according to source. The...

Resumes That Didn't Work *Compiled from actual resumes by Robert Half International* I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0, computor and spreadsheat progroms. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. Reason for leaving last job...

Notice to All Employees On Timesheets It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5309). To our department, unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not...

Taken from Actual Performance Evaluations "Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." "I would not allow this associate to breed." "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but...

Spindler Calls In Air Strike, Destroys Apple To Save It OFFICE MEMO Date:1/18/96 Stock Price Increases 50% "We'll do it better," Says Microsoft CUPERTINO, Calif. ------- JANUARY 18, 1996 ------ The massive pile of smoking rubble near Interstate 280 here in Cupertino was not the result of an...

The Air Force Creed According To The Other Branches United States Air Force Creed I, (insert name), swear to sign four years of my useless life away to the United States Air Force because I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take...

The Boss & I When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I don't do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy. When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, he's showing initiative...