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Those who don't know The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who...

Japanese management lecture Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout. "You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of...

Why did he fire you? Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

Keeping a high profile in an office Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants to talk whenever you're ready. Don't sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and remember that most people are a bit deaf so speak up louder! Try to talk with...

Reasons to stay at work all night 1. Act out your version of a company takeover. 2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum". 3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature. 4...

Reasons to leave work 1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances. 2. Came dressed in only a towel...again. 3. Ran out of paper clips. 4. I've decided to telecommute. 5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House. 6. It's a long drive home to Texas. 7. One-day sale at...

The Procrastinator's creed 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly...

The copy machine handout In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet. The copier is out of order! Yes, we have called the service man...

Looks bad on resume cover letters 1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good. 2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down. 3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job. 4. I know where you live. 5. Any sentence...

Performance evaluation translations A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused. Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job. Active socially: Drinks heavily. Alert to company developments: An office gossip. Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job...

Employee want ad translations Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission. Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law. Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this. Fast learner: You will get no training from us. Flexible work...

Signs Technology Took Over Your Life by Joe Mullich, AmericanWay Magazine, November 15, 1994 1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the...

Bosses versus workers When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I don't do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative. When I...

The work qualification test Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed...

How to look busy by Dan Zevin Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world...

The accident report Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will...

The boss tells some jokes The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to...

Stop being late to work Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom...

Lawyers arrive in Japan Source: Sunday Daily Breeze Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail. What could cause such a sharp turnaround...

The results of a government study For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment. They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population. Now let's just hope that the...