Search results

Another Management Speak Primer MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting. TRANSLATION: I disagree. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree." TRANSLATION: "I disagree." MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you. TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care. MANAGEMENT SPEAK...

Answering Machine Messages to Try Are you bored with that tired old "We're not home right now, please leave a mesasage but." Well here are some novel new messages for you to try. It will both amuse your friends and family, and keep them wondering... 1) Hi. This is John: If you are the...

Applicant Speak "I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. "I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do...

Application for a White House Internship Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet...

Best Excuses When Caught Napping In Your Cubicle 1. It's okay... I'm still billing the client. 2. They told me at the blood bank this might happen. 3. This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to. 4. I was working smarter-not harder. 5...

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? * Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. * Bill Clinton: I don't recall. * Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only...

CIA Position Open A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the...

Customers By The Balls I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g. "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over...

Dr. Seuss As A Technical Writer Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an...

Employee Speak I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. I'M...

Employee Travel Cutbacks Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective immediately, the following revised procedures apply: LODGING All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on...

Employer Speak Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait...

For All You Dilberts Out There (The New Management Speak) MANAGEMENT SPEAK: That's very interesting. TRANSLATION: I disagree. MANAGEMENT SPEAK: "I don't disagree." TRANSLATION: "I disagree." MANAGEMENT SPEAK: I don't totally disagree with you. TRANSLATION: You may be right, but I don't care...

Greg's Job Application NAME: Greg B DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package...

Greg's Job Application NAME: Greg B DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package...

How To Be A Bank Robber PICK THE RIGHT BANK You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. STUDY YOUR HISTORY Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse...

How To Handle A Rejection Letter [Date Today] Dear [Interviewer's Name]: Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in...

How to Know You're Dating A Consultant 10. Referred to the first month of your relationship as a "preliminary assessment period." 9. Talks to the waiter about process flows when dinner arrives late. 8. Takes a half-day at the office on Sunday because "Sunday is your day." 7. Congratulates your...

IF ARCHITECTS HAD TO WORK LIKE PROGRAMMERS Please design and build me a house. I am not sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you...

Job Titles and Descriptions CEO: Leaps tall buildings on a single bound Is more powerful than a locomotive Is faster than a speeding bullet Walks on water Gives Policy to God Project Manager: Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a...