CoRpoRAte lESSonS!!

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dimpy.handa

MP Guru
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle
 
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dimpy.handa

MP Guru
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and *****. She saw her
friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told...
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"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"
 
D

dimpy.handa

MP Guru
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut
 
D

dimpy.handa

MP Guru
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle
 
H

Hiral.s

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
An old man lived alone. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram "For Heaven's Sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the guns!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and started digging up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad, It's the best I could do for you from here."

Moral Of the Story
Nothing is Impossible. No matter where you are in the world, if you have decided to do something deep from your heart, you can do it. It's the thought that matters, not where you are or where the prison is.
 
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Hiral.s

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test you could perform to give me a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response. "

That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response. So he moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response so; he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"James, for the fifth time I've said, CHICKEN!"


Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think It could be very much within us..!
 
H

Hiral.s

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
A well-known motivational speaker gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife !"
The crowd was shocked! After a pause, the speaker followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.
About a week later, one of the top managers who had the training decided to use that joke at his house. He tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!" Naturally, his wife was shell shocked by hearing this.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out "... and I can't remember who she was !"
As expected, he got thrashing of his life time by his wife.


Moral of the story:
Don't copy if you can't paste.
 
H

Hiral.s

Par 100 posts (V.I.P)
A city boy, Aslam, moved to the village and bought a donkey from an old farmer for Rs. 1000. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said...
Farmer: "Sorry Aslam, but I have some bad news, the donkey died while I was bringing him here."
Aslam: "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Aslam: "OK then, just unload the donkey."
Farmer: "What you are going to do with him?"
Aslam: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: Raffle is like lottery - draw lot to a group of people each paying the same amount for a ticket and there is a big prize for the people who win.)
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Aslam: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Aslam and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Aslam: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at Rs. 10 each and made a profit of Rs 4990 with the donkey worth Rs. 1000 as the prize.
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Aslam: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his Rs. 10."

Moral of the story:
No situation is so bad that it cannot be turned around. You need to just think hard. So look at your glass always as half full (positive attitude) rather than half empty. Do not lose hope.
 
M

maurice

New member
Customer:Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter:Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer:No, I can't.
Waiter:Then does it really matter?
 
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chezhiyan

New member
Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.
 
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Ivanhoe123

New member
chezhiyan said:
Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here. The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him. The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch. So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.
Click to expand...

Hahaha sounds like a highschool stuff :)
 
S

swatsam

New member
What did one math book say to the other math book?

"I don't know about you man, but I got a lot of problems!"
 
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